Spray of the Day:
Totally Juicy News
12/22/00
Top of the morning!
I'm telling you, for the last time!:
The Juicy Cerebellum will be
doing "Spray of the Day" Monday-Friday and regular updates on Saturday
and/or Sunday. This brings you 6-7 updates a week, versus the average 2-3
that there used to be. More Juice for your use, and I'm still not getting
paid! Nifty.
Politics
So much for Bipartisanship:
Key Democrats have been
accusing President-Erect (err, wait, the "erect" one was Bill), George
W. Bush of exaggerating the consequences of the recent economic slowdown in an
attempt to pass his proposed 1.3 trillion dollar tax cut for the wealthy, once
he gets in office. Bush says that he has seen "warning signs on the
horizon." He also says that, when he's sworn in, people will find
that he's a "realist." Gene Sperling, President Clinton's chief
economic advisor, and some other white house officials that aren't as important,
think Bush's bleak economic forecast could lead to “unnecessary fear and
anxiety." In response, Bush said that what he is saying is not intended
to cause anxiety, but will probably make folks really nervous.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
There's an Intern out there for everyone!:
"Hail to the Thief"
the sign of a Gore voting protester reads, in reference to George W. Bush.
This man, along with what is expected to be close to 800,000 angry voters (and
people that just want to pretend that they voted, to pick up chicks) are heading
to Washington for George W. Bush's January 20th inauguration. “This will
be by far the biggest counter-inauguration since the 1973 Nixon
counter-inauguration,” said Brian Becker, co-director of the International
Action Center in New York. The voters are there to protest a person they
think won the Presidency illegitimately, and, to presumably cheat on their
long-term partners while in Washington, to see what it feels like to be a
politician for a day.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Presidential Inaugural Committee planning to
waste shitload of money:
The Presidential Inaugural
committee is planning on raising around 30 million dollars for George W. Bush's
inauguration festivities. This sets a great example: when there are
homeless people all around you, desperate for spare change, ignore them, and
spend millions buying balloons, champagne and caviar. The committee
raising this excessive cash is going to post contributor's names on their
website, giving corporations even more power, and name recognition. Jeanne
Johnson Phillips, Executive Director of the committee, claims that this all
needs to be done because America deserves "a great
celebration." Hey, Jeanne, I'm sorry to tell you this, but most
of us Americans can celebrate with a keg of beer and handful of friends.
The price? A hell of a lot less than 30 million. Stupid, stupid
Government.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Corporate Watch (Business):
Dirty, corporate whore expected to be appointed
EPA Chief today:
Faithful to the big businesses
that got him elected, George W. Bush is expected to appoint New Jersey (known
across the country as America's "cleanly" state) Governor, Christine
Todd Whitman as head of the Environmental Protection Agency. As Governor,
Whitman has compromised water pollution protections and reduced spending for
state offices created to prosecute corporations for environmental abuses.
After taking office, Whitman declared New Jersey “open for business.”
She then proceeded to fire the state's environmental prosecutor and, ironically
enough, cut funds to the Department of Environmental Protection. Predictably
enough, big business in the state was fined less, and less environmental
violations were found in the state. Now, doesn't this sound like the ideal
candidate to head the Environmental PROTECTION Agency? Obviously not, but
if you're the unethical head of a large corporation, it probably does sound
like money to your ears.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Warner Brothers continues to lower the bar on
how low a corporation can go:
Yesterday I reported on
Warner Brothers, and how they were intimidating people, through letters sent
from WB lawyers, into giving up Harry Potter domain names, rather than simply
registering the domain names themselves, earlier. Since then, Warner
Brothers has actually stepped up their effort to stop Harry Potter fan sites by
sending legal letters out across the world, to places such as Germany, Scotland
and Singapore, insisting fan sites come down. One saddened Potter fan
posted a message to his site, before removing it, which read: "All I wanted
to do was set up a site for fans of Harry Potter, like myself, and now I'm being
attacked by a large corporation who know I don't have the financial means to
defend myself." A confused 15-year-old girl wrote to the London
Daily Mirror wondering how "a 15-year-old schoolgirl can pose such a
threat to an international company, like Warner Brothers." If,
by some miracle, either of those Potter fans are reading this, I just want to
tell ya that the public is with you, and you should have stuck to your guns,
and, in the future, stick to them. Microsoft and Geocities have both came
after me with legal letters and threats, and I stood up to both of them.
These corporations are only bullying to see how much they can get away
with. Once we all put our collective foot down, and let them know who
makes them their money (us), they'll have to apologize and offer us all a free,
autographed, first edition Harry Potter book and a cameo role in the Potter
movie, and then, and only then, will we upgrade them from our "shitlist"
to our "list of corporations that totally suck."
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Health
Majority of Doctors are arrogant idiots, FDA
takes notice:
Okay, as an epileptic, I
deal with doctors a lot. These doctors know what pills I'm
on. These doctors prescribe me more pills. These doctors are
supposed to know whether or not the pills they are prescribing me can be taken
with the pills I am currently taking. Over and over again, I am prescribed
a pill that, once I get home and read the warnings, I discover CANNOT be taken
in combination with one of the other pills that I'm on. There is no excuse
for this, being that I ALWAYS ask my doctors whether or not this pill is okay to
take, before they prescribe it. In the latest example of this, I was at a
Neurologist, and I explained the difficulty I have sleeping. She
prescribed sleeping pills for me. I informed her that I have sleep apnea,
and told her of the seizure medications that I am on. She insured me that
the sleeping pill she prescribed me did NOT affect apnea, and could be mixed,
safely, with my other medications. Before taking the pill that night, I
double checked, and found out that taking the pill with sleep apnea can be
fatal, and taking it with 2 of the 3 seizure meds that I'm on can put a person
in a coma, or a grave. It's pretty freaky to think doctors are reckless
enough to risk killing you, rather than doing their job, but, surprisingly, a
large number of them are. Because of this, the Food and Drug
Administration announced yesterday that it would make all the fine-print
warnings on medications easier for doctors to read. I am not sure if the
FDA plans on using smaller words, or having the warnings sung out by an Elmo
doll, but I hope they do keep in mind, when redesigning the warnings, that
doctors usually have the brain capacity and patience of a 5-year-old and the ego
of a God. Of course, if any of the doctors I go to are reading this, they
are exempt, and must know that I admire them for their deftness and
intellect.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Entertainment
Warner Brothers continues to lower the bar on
how low a corporation can go:
(This article was also posted in the
corporate section above)
Yesterday I reported on Warner Brothers, and how they were intimidating people,
through letters sent from WB lawyers, into giving up Harry Potter domain names,
rather than simply registering the domain names themselves, earlier. Since
then, Warner Brothers has actually stepped up their effort to stop Harry Potter
fan sites by sending legal letters out to other COUNTRIES, such as Germany,
Scotland and Singapore, insisting fan sites come down. One saddened Potter
fan posted a message to his site, before removing it, which read: "All I
wanted to do was set up a site for fans of Harry Potter, like myself, and now
I'm being attacked by a large corporation who know I don't have the financial
means to defend myself." A confused 15-year-old girl wrote to the London
Daily Mirror wondering how "a 15-year-old schoolgirl can pose such a
threat to an international company, like Warner Brothers." If,
by some miracle, either of those Potter fans are reading this, I just want to
tell ya that you should have stick to your guns. Microsoft and Geocities
have both came after me with legal letters and threats, and I stood up to both
of them. These corporations are only bullying to see how much they can get
away with. Once we all put our collective foot down, and let them know who
makes them their money (us), they'll have to apologize and offer us all a free,
autographed, first edition Harry Potter book and a cameo role in the Potter
movie, and then, and only then, will we take them off of our "shitlist"
and put them onto our "list of corporations that totally suck."
-Alex Sandell, Editor
"Grinch" becomes biggest grossing
movie of the year:
Ron Howard declares himself
"coolest guy ever." Everyone laughs. Fonzie will always be
cooler.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Traffic and Gladiator get five
Golden Globe nominations a piece:
Which actually really pisses me
off, since I skipped the advance screening of Traffic that I was invited
to, last month. Sometimes you wish you could turn back the clock.
Fuck.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
World
Mummy, can we go to Camp David this summer?:
Once again,
Israeli and Palestinian negotiators spoke to each other about potential peace
agreements. The talks were held at Bolling Air Force Base in Washington so that
Clinton could continue to stick his erection into Middle Eastern affairs.
Clinton presented Israel with a list of parameters, which Israel agreed with.
However, knowing the Palestinian mentality, the list will be dwindled down to
"Palestine gets more land from Israel" before a peace agreement is
struck. And knowing the Israeli mentality lately, they'll agree. Both
sides are scheduled to meet again today.
-Sariel Lehyani, Contributing Writer
(All opinions are that of Sariel, and may or may not reflect the views of The
Juicy Cerebellum)
Facade of the day:
According to Israel's largest
newspaper, Clinton was hoping [wishfully thinking] that Palestine and Israel
might join him on January 10 for a signing summit. Ten days after that date,
Clinton's presidency is handed over to Official American Daddy's Boy George W.
Bush. Saeb Erakat, Palestinian negotiator said, a little too late, that Yassir
Arafat and Ehud Barak shouldn't meet unless there's some glimmering hope of
success. "I don't want to raise expectations....we're facing majour
difficulties and serious differences," he said, as if no one KNEW that
terrorist bombings and dead teens were considered "majour
difficulties" or "serious differences." It is unknown when the
next summit meeting will be held, but it probably isn't anytime soon. Maybe
after the
Palestinians pull those porcupines out of their asses, we can get something
done, peace-wise.
-Sariel Lehyani, Contributing Writer
(All opinions are that of Sariel, and may or may not reflect the views of The
Juicy Cerebellum)
Weather
Minnesota is a winter wonderland, all other
states suck:
Really, I didn't just make that
up.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Horoscope
This segment is coming as soon
as I find a self-deprecating astrologer with a good sense of humor.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Email me about the third issue of "Spray of the Day: Totally Juicy Headlines"! (And this time, actually do it.) Write about the news. Write about the update. Just write! If people are interested in this, I'm going to put up a new message board to discuss the issues and I just may keep this up for a long time (like my penis during sex)! (Oh, and if anyone is interested in doing a headline type graphic for it, get in touch.)
©2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. I'm too damn tired to think of a copyright notice. Sorry.