Spray of the Day:
Totally Juicy News
12/22/00

Top of the morning!

I'm telling you, for the last time!:
The Juicy Cerebellum will be doing "Spray of the Day" Monday-Friday and regular updates on Saturday and/or Sunday.  This brings you 6-7 updates a week, versus the average 2-3 that there used to be.  More Juice for your use, and I'm still not getting paid!  Nifty.

Politics

So much for Bipartisanship:
Key Democrats have been accusing President-Erect (err, wait, the "erect" one was Bill), George W. Bush of exaggerating the consequences of the recent economic slowdown in an attempt to pass his proposed 1.3 trillion dollar tax cut for the wealthy, once he gets in office.  Bush says that he has seen "warning signs on the horizon."  He also says that, when he's sworn in, people will find that he's a "realist."  Gene Sperling, President Clinton's chief economic advisor, and some other white house officials that aren't as important, think Bush's bleak economic forecast could lead to “unnecessary fear and anxiety."  In response, Bush said that what he is saying is not intended to cause anxiety, but will probably make folks really nervous.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

There's an Intern out there for everyone!:
"Hail to the Thief" the sign of a Gore voting protester reads, in reference to George W. Bush.  This man, along with what is expected to be close to 800,000 angry voters (and people that just want to pretend that they voted, to pick up chicks) are heading to Washington for George W. Bush's January 20th inauguration.  “This will be by far the biggest counter-inauguration since the 1973 Nixon counter-inauguration,” said Brian Becker, co-director of the International Action Center in New York.  The voters are there to protest a person they think won the Presidency illegitimately, and, to presumably cheat on their long-term partners while in Washington, to see what it feels like to be a politician for a day. 
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Presidential Inaugural Committee planning to waste shitload of money:
The Presidential Inaugural committee is planning on raising around 30 million dollars for George W. Bush's inauguration festivities.  This sets a great example:  when there are homeless people all around you, desperate for spare change, ignore them, and spend millions buying balloons, champagne and caviar.  The committee raising this excessive cash is going to post contributor's names on their website, giving corporations even more power, and name recognition.  Jeanne Johnson Phillips, Executive Director of the committee, claims that this all needs to be done because America deserves "a great celebration."   Hey, Jeanne, I'm sorry to tell you this, but most of us Americans can celebrate with a keg of beer and handful of friends.  The price?  A hell of a lot less than 30 million.  Stupid, stupid Government. 
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Corporate Watch (Business):

Dirty, corporate whore expected to be appointed EPA Chief today:
Faithful to the big businesses that got him elected, George W. Bush is expected to appoint New Jersey (known across the country as America's "cleanly" state) Governor, Christine Todd Whitman as head of the Environmental Protection Agency.  As Governor, Whitman has compromised water pollution protections and reduced spending for state offices created to prosecute corporations for environmental abuses.  After taking office, Whitman declared New Jersey “open for business.”  She then proceeded to fire the state's environmental prosecutor and, ironically enough, cut funds to the Department of Environmental Protection. Predictably enough, big business in the state was fined less, and less environmental violations were found in the state.  Now, doesn't this sound like the ideal candidate to head the Environmental PROTECTION Agency?  Obviously not, but if you're the unethical head of a large corporation, it probably does sound like money to your ears.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor    

Warner Brothers continues to lower the bar on how low a corporation can go:
Yesterday I reported on Warner Brothers, and how they were intimidating people, through letters sent from WB lawyers, into giving up Harry Potter domain names, rather than simply registering the domain names themselves, earlier.  Since then, Warner Brothers has actually stepped up their effort to stop Harry Potter fan sites by sending legal letters out across the world, to places such as Germany, Scotland and Singapore, insisting fan sites come down.  One saddened Potter fan posted a message to his site, before removing it, which read: "All I wanted to do was set up a site for fans of Harry Potter, like myself, and now I'm being attacked by a large corporation who know I don't have the financial means to defend myself."  A confused 15-year-old girl wrote to the London Daily Mirror wondering how "a 15-year-old schoolgirl can pose such a threat to an international company, like Warner Brothers."  If, by some miracle, either of those Potter fans are reading this, I just want to tell ya that the public is with you, and you should have stuck to your guns, and, in the future, stick to them.  Microsoft and Geocities have both came after me with legal letters and threats, and I stood up to both of them.  These corporations are only bullying to see how much they can get away with.  Once we all put our collective foot down, and let them know who makes them their money (us), they'll have to apologize and offer us all a free, autographed, first edition Harry Potter book and a cameo role in the Potter movie, and then, and only then, will we upgrade them from our "shitlist" to our "list of corporations that totally suck."
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Health

Majority of Doctors are arrogant idiots, FDA takes notice:
Okay, as an epileptic, I deal with doctors a lot.  These doctors know what pills I'm on.  These doctors prescribe me more pills.  These doctors are supposed to know whether or not the pills they are prescribing me can be taken with the pills I am currently taking.  Over and over again, I am prescribed a pill that, once I get home and read the warnings, I discover CANNOT be taken in combination with one of the other pills that I'm on.  There is no excuse for this, being that I ALWAYS ask my doctors whether or not this pill is okay to take, before they prescribe it.  In the latest example of this, I was at a Neurologist, and I explained the difficulty I have sleeping.  She prescribed sleeping pills for me.  I informed her that I have sleep apnea, and told her of the seizure medications that I am on.  She insured me that the sleeping pill she prescribed me did NOT affect apnea, and could be mixed, safely, with my other medications.  Before taking the pill that night, I double checked, and found out that taking the pill with sleep apnea can be fatal, and taking it with 2 of the 3 seizure meds that I'm on can put a person in a coma, or a grave.  It's pretty freaky to think doctors are reckless enough to risk killing you, rather than doing their job, but, surprisingly, a large number of them are.  Because of this, the Food and Drug Administration announced yesterday that it would make all the fine-print warnings on medications easier for doctors to read.  I am not sure if the FDA plans on using smaller words, or having the warnings sung out by an Elmo doll, but I hope they do keep in mind, when redesigning the warnings, that doctors usually have the brain capacity and patience of a 5-year-old and the ego of a God.  Of course, if any of the doctors I go to are reading this, they are exempt, and must know that I admire them for their deftness and intellect.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Entertainment

Warner Brothers continues to lower the bar on how low a corporation can go:
(This article was also posted in the corporate section above)
Yesterday I reported on Warner Brothers, and how they were intimidating people, through letters sent from WB lawyers, into giving up Harry Potter domain names, rather than simply registering the domain names themselves, earlier.  Since then, Warner Brothers has actually stepped up their effort to stop Harry Potter fan sites by sending legal letters out to other COUNTRIES, such as Germany, Scotland and Singapore, insisting fan sites come down.  One saddened Potter fan posted a message to his site, before removing it, which read: "All I wanted to do was set up a site for fans of Harry Potter, like myself, and now I'm being attacked by a large corporation who know I don't have the financial means to defend myself."  A confused 15-year-old girl wrote to the
London Daily Mirror wondering how "a 15-year-old schoolgirl can pose such a threat to an international company, like Warner Brothers."  If, by some miracle, either of those Potter fans are reading this, I just want to tell ya that you should have stick to your guns.  Microsoft and Geocities have both came after me with legal letters and threats, and I stood up to both of them.  These corporations are only bullying to see how much they can get away with.  Once we all put our collective foot down, and let them know who makes them their money (us), they'll have to apologize and offer us all a free, autographed, first edition Harry Potter book and a cameo role in the Potter movie, and then, and only then, will we take them off of our "shitlist" and put them onto our "list of corporations that totally suck."
-Alex Sandell, Editor

"Grinch" becomes biggest grossing movie of the year:
Ron Howard declares himself "coolest guy ever."  Everyone laughs.  Fonzie will always be cooler.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Traffic and Gladiator get five Golden Globe nominations a piece:
Which actually really pisses me off, since I skipped the advance screening of Traffic that I was invited to, last month.  Sometimes you wish you could turn back the clock.  Fuck.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

World
Mummy, can we go to Camp David this summer?:
Once again, Israeli and Palestinian negotiators spoke to each other about potential peace agreements. The talks were held at Bolling Air Force Base in Washington so that Clinton could continue to stick his erection into Middle Eastern affairs. Clinton presented Israel with a list of parameters, which Israel agreed with. However, knowing the Palestinian mentality, the list will be dwindled down to "Palestine gets more land from Israel" before a peace agreement is struck. And knowing the Israeli mentality lately, they'll agree.  Both sides are scheduled to meet again today.
-Sariel Lehyani, Contributing Writer
(All opinions are that of Sariel, and may or may not reflect the views of
The Juicy Cerebellum)

Facade of the day:

According to Israel's largest newspaper, Clinton was hoping [wishfully thinking] that Palestine and Israel might join him on January 10 for a signing summit. Ten days after that date, Clinton's presidency is handed over to Official American Daddy's Boy George W. Bush. Saeb Erakat, Palestinian negotiator said, a little too late, that Yassir Arafat and Ehud Barak shouldn't meet unless there's some glimmering hope of success. "I don't want to raise expectations....we're facing majour difficulties and serious differences," he said, as if no one KNEW that terrorist bombings and dead teens were considered "majour difficulties" or "serious differences." It is unknown when the next summit meeting will be held, but it probably isn't anytime soon. Maybe after the 
Palestinians pull those porcupines out of their asses, we can get something done, peace-wise.
-Sariel Lehyani, Contributing Writer
(All opinions are that of Sariel, and may or may not reflect the views of
The Juicy Cerebellum)

Weather

Minnesota is a winter wonderland, all other states suck:
Really, I didn't just make that up.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Horoscope
This segment is coming as soon as I find a self-deprecating astrologer with a good sense of humor.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Email me about the third issue of "Spray of the Day: Totally Juicy Headlines"! (And this time, actually do it.) Write about the news.  Write about the update.  Just write!  If people are interested in this, I'm going to put up a new message board to discuss the issues and I just may keep this up for a long time (like my penis during sex)!  (Oh, and if anyone is interested in doing a headline type graphic for it, get in touch.)

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