Spray of the Day:
Totally Juicy News
12/27/00

Politics

Bush-Cheney assembling "most corporate administration the country has ever had":
In today's "how the fuck did this dick get elected?" news, The Washington Post argues that Cheney and Bush are assembling what is "the most corporate administration the country has ever had."  "There’s Cheney," says the Post, "fresh from oil-services giant Halliburton Co., and Bush, a Harvard MBA who successfully ran a baseball team. The new Treasury Secretary-designate, Paul H. O’Neill, hails from Alcoa and International Paper. Andrew H. Card Jr., the White House chief of staff, is late of an automobile trade group; domestic policy chief Josh Bolten is a Goldman Sachs alum; Commerce Secretary-designate Donald L. Evans is an oil man; Office of Management and Budget Director-designate Mitchell E. Daniels Jr. is a pharmaceutical executive; and personnel czar Clay Johnson was a mail-order honcho."  The Washington Post didn't even mention that personnel czar Clay Johnson also held prominent positions at three large corporations, Frito-Lay, Citicorp and Wilson Sporting Goods, that Tommy Thompson, likely head of the Department of health and human services, was the Chairman of the Amtrak corporation, and that Lawrence Lindsay, potential Secretary of the Treasury, was the Managing Director of the Economic Strategies Corporation.  And this was the President that had millions of DUMB-FUCKS casting their vote for him because they believed he was for the "little" guy; the "working" man.  Unless you count "working" as having a prestigious title and billions of dollars, Bush and Cheney scammed you, "big-time."  Hey, America, did I mention that I had a bridge I could sell ya?    
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Leahy says John Ashcroft will get "fair hearing":
Ranking Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont says that John Ashcroft will get a "fair hearing" in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee.  Ashcroft, who voted YES on ending special funding for minority & women-owned businesses, voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination by sexual orientation, voted YES on Amendment to prohibit flag burning, voted YES on limiting product liability punitive damage awards, voted YES on restricting class-action lawsuits, voted NO on banning chemical weapons, voted NO on keeping CAFE fuel efficiency standards, voted YES on taking away funding for renewable and solar energy, voted NO on background checks at gun shows, voted YES on more penalties for gun & drug violations, voted NO on increasing funds for Medicare prescriptions, voted NO on increasing tobacco restrictions, voted YES on telecomm deregulation, voted YES on killing an increase in the minimum wage, and, successfully opposed the nomination of Ronnie White, the first black justice on the Missouri Supreme Court, to a federal district court seat, should get a "fair" idea of what "hearing" a boot kicking his ass out of Washington permanently sounds like, and nothing else.  George W. Bush selecting this man to be the attorney general shows Bush's true colors, and shows where this country is going to be headed under a Bush administration.  NAACP President Kweisi Mfume issued a statement which said, "It is outrageous for President-elect Bush to select someone who has consistently opposed civil rights and affirmative action to be responsible for enforcing the nation's laws."  I couldn't agree more.  Bush as bipartisan, my ass.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

"All Seven and we watch them fall":
A software tester went on a killing spree Tuesday at a software development firm in Boston, Massachusetts.  The man, possibly confusing "going postal" with World War III, was armed with an AK-47 assault rifle, a shotgun and a semiautomatic handgun.  In the meantime, George W. Bush continues to fill his soon-to-be Presidential administration with a bunch of corporate rednecks who are vehemently opposed to any form of gun control.  One witness said "the gunman went crazy"; it is still unclear whether she was talking about the software testing killer, or George W. Bush.
-Alex Sandell, editor

Corporate Watch (Business):

Coca-Cola to be lactating soon:
Coke's new profit initiative is “Project Mother,” which sounds more like the title for a Resident Evil game than it does an attempt at making milk "cool" and, in the words of a coke associate, "a way of getting kids to stop feeling ostracized for drinking milk in public."  In response, The Juicy Cerebellum has this to say:  WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS TALKING ABOUT?  *Sarcasm mode has been activated* Yeah, I was so ashamed of drinking milk as a child.  Whenever that little carton hit my tray, I'd turn ten shades of red and run from the school.  Why not blame Columbine on milk consumption, while you're at it, Coke?  As a matter of fact, I bet that nut that shot those seven people in Boston Tuesday probably did it because of all of those times he was "ostracized" for drinking good, wholesome milk.  Kids can be cruel, especially when it comes to dairy. Stupid cows.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Bush-Cheney assembling "most corporate administration the country has ever had":
(this article was also posted in today's "Politics" section)
In today's "how the fuck did this dick get elected?" news, The Washington Post argues that Cheney and Bush are assembling what is "the most corporate administration the country has ever had."  "There’s Cheney," says the Post, "fresh from oil-services giant Halliburton Co., and Bush, a Harvard MBA who successfully ran a baseball team. The new Treasury Secretary-designate, Paul H. O’Neill, hails from Alcoa and International Paper. Andrew H. Card Jr., the White House chief of staff, is late of an automobile trade group; domestic policy chief Josh Bolten is a Goldman Sachs alum; Commerce Secretary-designate Donald L. Evans is an oil man; Office of Management and Budget Director-designate Mitchell E. Daniels Jr. is a pharmaceutical executive; and personnel czar Clay Johnson was a mail-order honcho."  The Washington Post didn't even mention that personnel czar Clay Johnson also held prominent positions at three large corporations, Frito-Lay, Citicorp and Wilson Sporting Goods, that Tommy Thompson, likely head of the Department of health and human services, was the Chairman of the Amtrak corporation, and that Lawrence Lindsay, potential Secretary of the Treasury, was the Managing Director of the Economic Strategies Corporation.  And this was the President that had millions of DUMB-FUCKS casting their vote for him because they believed he was for the "little" guy; the "working" man.  Unless you count "working" as having a prestigious title and billions of dollars, Bush and Cheney scammed you, "big-time."  Hey, America, did I mention that I had a bridge I could sell ya?    
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Health

Those crazy Canadians and their low-priced drugs:
The Department of Health and Human Services (soon to be relegated to "just another subsidiary of Bush-Cheney Incorporated") has decided not to implement an election-year law which was meant to give us cheaper prescription drugs.  The legislation was going to allow American distributors to buy American drugs from Canada, where drugs made in America are sold for far less than they are in the country they originated from, back from Canada, at Canada's low prices, and sell them to Americans at rates lower than American drugs are sold for in America (if you read it about 3 times, it does start to make sense).  It's not the fact that the law isn't being enacted that has me discouraged as much as it is the fact that we need the law, in the first place.  American drugs shouldn't cost more in America than they do in Canada.  Sure, Canadian citizens tend to be far more intelligent than the dorks from the good ol' USA, but isn't it time that United States citizens finally remove the brain Novocain and realize when they're being mind fucked?  Good gawd, I'm feeling bitter toward the land of the fools and the home of the bungling, as of late.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Entertainment

Third Austin Powers may feature original 007, Sean Connery as Papa Powers!:
It is rumored that Sean Connery will be playing Austin Powers' proud papa in the second Powers sequel.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

News in the entertainment world is slow:
That Sean Connery thing was the best that I had.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

World
Alex pussed out and didn't print Sariel's new Israel article:
Alex thought it was prejudice. Sariel is now mad.  
-Alex Sandell, Contributing Writer

Alex didn't puss out and is printing Sariel's new China article, even though it's in poor taste:
A deadly fire broke out at a shopping complex in Luoyang, China. More than 300 people died in the incident, but considering China's gigantic population, it's possible that no one really noticed. 200 of the victims were in a disco on the fourth floor of the Dong Du complex, probably trying to find people to "Du" their "Dongs." Witnesses tell us that people panicked during the fire (No, really? What a bunch of freaks!) and that some were able to leap to safety onto a nearby "metal dragon." (They have those in China, right?) Autopsy reports suggest that most of the dead succumbed to smoke inhalation (This would make a good "Truth" commercial against "Big Tobacco") and that the fire exits were blocked due to renovation materials. Maybe next time they renovate, they'll add some sprinklers and fire alarms.
-Sariel Lehyani, Juicy Cerebellum World Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Sariel, and may or may not reflect the views of
The Juicy Cerebellum)

Weather

People are frozen:
Really, it's cold.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Horoscope
This segment is coming as soon as I find a self-deprecating astrologer with a good sense of humor.  
-Alex Sandell, Editor

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