Spray of the Day:
Totally Juicy News
12/27/00
Politics
Bush-Cheney assembling "most corporate
administration the country has ever had":
In today's "how the fuck
did this dick get elected?" news, The Washington Post argues that Cheney
and Bush are assembling what is "the most corporate administration
the country has ever had." "There’s Cheney," says the
Post, "fresh from oil-services giant Halliburton Co., and Bush, a Harvard
MBA who successfully ran a baseball team. The new Treasury Secretary-designate,
Paul H. O’Neill, hails from Alcoa and International Paper. Andrew H. Card Jr.,
the White House chief of staff, is late of an automobile trade group; domestic
policy chief Josh Bolten is a Goldman Sachs alum; Commerce Secretary-designate
Donald L. Evans is an oil man; Office of Management and Budget
Director-designate Mitchell E. Daniels Jr. is a pharmaceutical executive; and
personnel czar Clay Johnson was a mail-order honcho." The Washington
Post didn't even mention that personnel czar Clay Johnson also held prominent
positions at three large corporations, Frito-Lay, Citicorp and Wilson Sporting
Goods, that Tommy Thompson, likely head of the Department of health and human
services, was the Chairman of the Amtrak corporation, and that Lawrence Lindsay,
potential Secretary of the Treasury, was the Managing Director of the Economic
Strategies Corporation. And this was the President that had millions of
DUMB-FUCKS casting their vote for him because they believed he was for the
"little" guy; the "working" man. Unless you count
"working" as having a prestigious title and billions of dollars, Bush
and Cheney scammed you, "big-time." Hey, America, did I mention that I had a bridge I
could sell ya?
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Leahy says John Ashcroft will get "fair
hearing":
Ranking Democratic Senator
Patrick Leahy of Vermont says that John Ashcroft will get a "fair
hearing" in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. Ashcroft, who voted YES on ending special funding for minority &
women-owned businesses, voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination by sexual
orientation, voted YES on Amendment to prohibit flag burning, voted YES on
limiting product liability punitive damage awards, voted YES on restricting
class-action lawsuits, voted NO on banning chemical weapons, voted NO on keeping
CAFE fuel efficiency standards, voted YES on taking away funding for renewable
and solar energy, voted NO on background checks at gun shows, voted YES on more
penalties for gun & drug violations, voted NO on increasing funds for
Medicare prescriptions, voted NO on increasing tobacco restrictions, voted YES
on telecomm deregulation, voted YES on killing an increase in the minimum wage,
and, successfully opposed the nomination of Ronnie White, the first black
justice on the Missouri Supreme Court, to a federal district court seat, should
get a "fair" idea of what "hearing" a boot kicking
his ass out of Washington permanently sounds like, and nothing else. George W. Bush
selecting this
man to be the attorney general shows Bush's true colors, and shows where
this country is going to be headed under a Bush administration. NAACP
President Kweisi Mfume issued a statement which said, "It is outrageous for
President-elect Bush to select someone who has consistently opposed civil rights
and affirmative action to be responsible for enforcing the nation's
laws." I couldn't agree more. Bush as bipartisan, my ass.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
"All Seven and we watch them fall":
A software tester went on a
killing spree Tuesday at a software development firm in Boston, Massachusetts.
The man, possibly confusing "going postal" with World War III, was
armed with an AK-47 assault rifle, a shotgun and a semiautomatic handgun.
In the meantime, George W. Bush continues to fill his soon-to-be Presidential
administration with a bunch of corporate rednecks who are vehemently opposed to
any form of gun control. One witness said "the gunman went
crazy"; it is still unclear whether she was talking about the software
testing killer, or George W. Bush.
-Alex Sandell, editor
Corporate Watch (Business):
Coca-Cola to be lactating soon:
Coke's new profit initiative is
“Project Mother,” which sounds more like the title for a Resident Evil
game than it does an attempt at making milk "cool" and, in the words
of a coke associate, "a way of getting kids to stop feeling ostracized for
drinking milk in public." In response, The Juicy Cerebellum has
this to say: WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS TALKING ABOUT?
*Sarcasm mode has been activated* Yeah, I was so ashamed of drinking milk as a
child. Whenever that little carton hit my tray, I'd turn ten shades of red
and run from the school. Why not blame Columbine on milk consumption,
while you're at it, Coke? As a matter of fact, I bet that nut that shot
those seven people in Boston Tuesday probably did it because of all of those
times he was "ostracized" for drinking good, wholesome milk.
Kids can be cruel, especially when it comes to dairy. Stupid cows.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Bush-Cheney assembling "most corporate
administration the country has ever had":
(this article was also posted in today's
"Politics" section)
In today's "how the fuck
did this dick get elected?" news, The Washington Post argues that Cheney
and Bush are assembling what is "the most corporate administration
the country has ever had." "There’s Cheney," says the
Post, "fresh from oil-services giant Halliburton Co., and Bush, a Harvard
MBA who successfully ran a baseball team. The new Treasury Secretary-designate,
Paul H. O’Neill, hails from Alcoa and International Paper. Andrew H. Card Jr.,
the White House chief of staff, is late of an automobile trade group; domestic
policy chief Josh Bolten is a Goldman Sachs alum; Commerce Secretary-designate
Donald L. Evans is an oil man; Office of Management and Budget
Director-designate Mitchell E. Daniels Jr. is a pharmaceutical executive; and
personnel czar Clay Johnson was a mail-order honcho." The Washington
Post didn't even mention that personnel czar Clay Johnson also held prominent
positions at three large corporations, Frito-Lay, Citicorp and Wilson Sporting
Goods, that Tommy Thompson, likely head of the Department of health and human
services, was the Chairman of the Amtrak corporation, and that Lawrence Lindsay,
potential Secretary of the Treasury, was the Managing Director of the Economic
Strategies Corporation. And this was the President that had millions of
DUMB-FUCKS casting their vote for him because they believed he was for the
"little" guy; the "working" man. Unless you count
"working" as having a prestigious title and billions of dollars, Bush
and Cheney scammed you, "big-time." Hey, America, did I mention that I had a bridge I
could sell ya?
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Health
Those crazy Canadians and their low-priced
drugs:
The Department of Health and
Human Services (soon to be relegated to "just another subsidiary of
Bush-Cheney Incorporated") has decided not to implement an election-year
law which was meant to give us cheaper prescription drugs. The legislation
was going to allow American distributors to buy American drugs from Canada,
where drugs made in America are sold for far less than they are in the country
they originated from, back from Canada, at Canada's low prices, and sell them to
Americans at rates lower than American drugs are sold for in America (if you
read it about 3 times, it does start to make sense). It's not the
fact that the law isn't being enacted that has me discouraged as much as it is
the fact that we need the law, in the first place. American drugs
shouldn't cost more in America than they do in Canada. Sure, Canadian
citizens tend to be far more intelligent than the dorks from the good ol' USA,
but isn't it time that United States citizens finally remove the brain Novocain
and realize when they're being mind fucked? Good gawd, I'm feeling bitter
toward the land of the fools and the home of the bungling, as of late.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Entertainment
Third Austin Powers may feature original
007, Sean Connery as Papa Powers!:
It is rumored that Sean Connery
will be playing Austin Powers' proud papa in the second Powers
sequel.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
News in the entertainment world is slow:
That Sean Connery thing was the
best that I had.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
World
Alex pussed out and didn't print Sariel's
new Israel article:
Alex thought it was prejudice.
Sariel is now mad.
-Alex Sandell, Contributing Writer
Alex didn't puss out and is printing Sariel's
new China article, even though it's in poor taste:
A deadly fire broke out at a
shopping complex in Luoyang, China. More than 300 people died in the incident,
but considering China's gigantic population, it's possible that no one really
noticed. 200 of the victims were in a disco on the fourth floor of the Dong Du
complex, probably trying to find people to "Du" their
"Dongs." Witnesses tell us that people panicked during the fire (No,
really? What a bunch of freaks!) and that some were able to leap to safety onto
a nearby "metal dragon." (They have those in China, right?) Autopsy
reports suggest that most of the dead succumbed to smoke inhalation (This would
make a good "Truth" commercial against "Big Tobacco") and
that the fire exits were blocked due to renovation materials. Maybe next time
they renovate, they'll add some sprinklers and fire alarms.
-Sariel Lehyani, Juicy Cerebellum World Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Sariel, and may or may not reflect the views of The
Juicy Cerebellum)
Weather
People are frozen:
Really, it's cold.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Horoscope
This segment is coming as soon
as I find a self-deprecating astrologer with a good sense of humor.
-Alex Sandell, Editor
Email me about the fourth issue of "Spray of the Day: Totally Juicy Headlines"! (And this time, actually do it.) Write about the news. Write about the update. Just write! If people are interested in this, I'm going to put up a new message board to discuss the issues and I just may keep this up for a long time (like my penis during sex)! (Oh, and if anyone is interested in doing a headline type graphic for it, get in touch.)
©2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. I'm too damn tired to think of a copyright notice. Sorry.