Spray of the Day

Spray of the Day:
Totally Juicy News
12/29/00

Politics

Bush nominates crotchety old fuck as Secretary of Defense:
In a surprise move, Bush nominated Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense, a position Rumsfeld has already held under President Gerald Ford. Bush says he now has a “very strong" team of "smart people." When a reporter asked Bush if, by "smart people" he means, "conservative throwbacks," Bush responded by saying, "yeah, yeah - - that's what I meant." It has also came out that by "very strong," Bush meant, "extremely wealthy."
-Alex Sandell, Editor

And what does he think of them niggers?:
It has been revealed that John Ashcroft, George W. Bush's choice for Attorney General, considered Confederates "patriots" who didn't die for "some perverted agenda." So, Mr. Ashcroft, what exactly was defending the rights of the white man to keep SLAVES, if not "perverted?" Not surprisingly, Ashcroft also refused to sign a presidential panel’s report which decided that America was falling behind in efforts to bring equality to minorities. Why? He said it was "too negative." Ashcroft has also slammed historians who have portrayed early Americans as racist, claiming that the historians were making "malicious attacks” and writing “revisionist nonsense." I wonder if Mr. Ashcroft thinks that a slave working 16 hours a day, while being whipped and beaten, thought the attacks of the slave-owners were "justified and fun"? Finally, Ashcroft told the "Southern Partisan", a very racist magazine from, obviously, the south, that it was setting "the record straight." Did someone say "Partisan?" Did someone say "Southern Partisan?" Didn't George Bush say he was a "uniter, not a divider?" Didn't George Bush say he was going to "reach across the table?" Didn't George Bush just prove he was a fucking LIAR by choosing John "racist-as-all-hell" Ashcroft as the top law enforcement officer in the United States? I'm starting to wonder if Bush thought that "bipartisanship" was the thing his twin daughters are being, when they make out with each other in front of a sexy guy.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Corporate Watch (Business):

Why can't you afford to Unionize again?:
Amazon, along with most other "E-tailers" claimed to sell 55% more this Christmas than they did Christmas last. Yet, Amazon, as The Juicy Cerebellum reported earlier, claims that having their employees unionize would be a scary thing that would frighten rich people. I think, if sales are up 55%, the bitch-fuck-sluts that run Amazon, the worst company ever (if you've ever bought a thing from them LEAVE THIS PAGE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK), could pay their employees a fair wage, and give them some decent benefits. Maybe that's just me, but I think the people doing the WORK should be paid as much as the billionaire figurehead at the top, who does nothing but brag about how great his stupid online rip-off company is doing. Long live pollution! (If you haven't been paying attention to the past "Spray of the Day" updates, you have no idea what that comment refers to. I'm glad. Next time, pay attention.)
-Alex Sandell, Editor

George Foreman grills sell big:
Consumers are fucking idiots. TOTAL COMPLETE DWEEBS. The grease that drips off the grill and into the little plastic "drip-catcher" is the same grease that you drain when you fry a burger in a pan. You aren't getting a healthier hunk of meat. You idiots will buy into anything, won't you? Even a fat-ass boxer who claims he's health conscious. Fuck Foreman. Fuck you. Fuck the US of A. Yippee!
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Retailer Montgomery Ward Inc. plans to close its 250 stores and file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy:
At least SOMETHING went right!
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Health

My life of shit:
My grandma goes in the hospital on Christmas. My dog is sick again, just when I thought she was better. I'm having the worst Petit-Mal seizures of my life. There's a LOT more going wrong, but you assholes wouldn't give a shit. Thank you to the like THREE people (out of thousands) that actually sent me a gift or contributed to this page during the holiday-fudge-packed month of December. The rest of you are leeches and I hope you die. (Running a webpage, to entertain YOU, isn't free, you greedy bastards.) Thanks.

(If you want Alex's curse of death removed, send a contribution to:
Alex Sandell
PO Box 331
Alexandria, MN 56308)

If you don't, you're sucking off of me, and I hate users. If I ever meet you, I'll smack you up like the little bitch that you are. Just watch me.

PS - if you're honestly so poor you can't afford to even send a few bucks, please write me and I will remove my curse of death, free of charge.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Entertainment

None for me, I'm not in the mood:
I could, at the moment, care less about movies, television or any other trivial thing that tries to take my mind off of my misery. Sorry.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Paul Vixie IS the Emperor!
Star Wars fans rejoice! Lucas wasn't just faking it, we really DO live with an asshole evil enough to destroy an entire galaxy, or at least a "world wide" web. Who could I be writing about? None other than MAPS ringleader, Paul Vixie. What makes me think he's the new Emperor? How about this quote, regarding the Star Wars episode 2 script: "Through his charm, Palpatine convinces the Senate to fund his sudden urge to build a huge fleet of starships. Palpatine proposes that a lasting peace can be achieved most efficiently through the intimidation of a large fleet comprised of state-of-the-art starships. The Senate fails to realize that Palpatine (IE - Vixie) will later use this very fleet to subjugate the entire galaxy. The first stages of the creation of the Empire is underway."

Sound familiar? This is EXACTLY what Vixie is doing with MAPS (outside of the whole "starship" thing). I am 100% confident that Internet users will fight Vixie and his censorship (he isn't in this to stop "SPAM," and he is violating freedom of speech).
-Alex Sandell, Editor.

SCIENCE
Meet my youngest brother, Ben; he's a happy soul, just like me!:
Despite the fact that 2000 is a round number (a thing us humans love very much) 2001 is truly the new millennium. And this upcoming millennium is bound to bring an onslaught of various fresh additions, perversions, mutations, exploitations, and infestations of science. We can look forward to cell phone tumor epidemics, corrupted genetic manipulations, old geezers living until 200 years old, rancid over population and much, much more. I'm here to cover it all. Exciting times.
-Ben Sandell, Juicy Cerebellum Science Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Ben, and may or may not reflect the views of The Juicy Cerebellum)

People are dumb, bugs are genius!:
"Super bugs" are becoming increasingly "super," according to a recent study by the Centers for Disease and Prevention. Scientists once again plead with patients, doctors, and hospitals to stop abusing antibiotic drugs. From 1995 to 1998, the percentage of bacteria that is resistant to three or more types of antibiotics rose five percent. People with the slightest sore throat or runny nose tend to wolf down hoards of extra strength pills to combat their horrible discomfort. Doctors prescribe the wrong drugs for the wrong kinds of illnesses. And, in order to save money, most hospitals will not even research the problem. The situation will continue to grow until patients, doctors, and hospitals become willing to listen to the warnings. But it usually takes a near apocalyptic catastrophe to get the general publics attention. "Gee Jill, did ya hear the news? Some thing called a 'Super germ' is going to kill us all. Why the hell didn't the researchers tell us about this earlier? Where's our tax money going anyway?"
-Ben Sandell, Juicy Cerebellum Science Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Ben, and may or may not reflect the views of The Juicy Cerebellum)

World
Did Somebody say "Power Trip?":
President Clinton's towering erection cast its shade over Israel and Palestine once again on Thursday. The lame fuck (funny pun on "lame duck." Get it?) decided against meeting with Israeli and Palestinian leaders until they accept HIS framework for a Mideast peace deal. Of course the easily-pleased Israel accepted, but Clinton is still waiting for Palestine to accept the proposals. Clinton's proposals included Palestine and Israel having duel-sovereignty over the parts of Israel occupied by their respective citizens. The catch (to the Palestinians, it's a catch, anyway) is that they'd have to stop killing Jews. Arafat's only response was to ask, by letter (and I thought EVERYONE was on the "net" these days), for a clarification of Clinton's ideas.
-Sariel Lehyani, Juicy Cerebellum World Correspondent
(All opinions are that of Sariel, and sound sort of one-sided to The Juicy Cerebellum)

Weather

It sucks:
Get over it.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Horoscope
This segment is coming as soon as I find a self-deprecating astrologer with a good sense of humor.
-Alex Sandell, Editor

Email me about the fifth issue of "Spray of the Day: Totally Juicy Headlines"! (And this time, actually do it.) Write about the news. Write about the update. Just write! If people are interested in this, I'm going to put up a new message board to discuss the issues and I just may keep this up for a long time (like my penis during sex)! (Oh, and if anyone is interested in doing a headline type graphic for it, get in touch.)

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