Things to talk about when there's nothing to say
Written by:  Alex Sandell

I wish I could determine each individual woman that would spend a day, a night, a week, a month or a lifetime with me through color coding.  The ones that wouldn't spend any time with me at all would be transparent, so I wouldn't even have to look at them.  Can I trade in all those gold stars I got in elementary school for a degree, or something?  If not, can I take them back for a refund, and start over again from the beginning?  Cash in your stars for the chance at a new life.  "Freedom" has taken on a whole new meaning in this age of Bush VS Gore.  The meaning?  "Something you used to have."  It's like Big Brother VS Little Hitler.  We've got a serial-killer Governor, spoiled son of a southern millionaire, going up against a serial mind-changing Senator/VP, spoiled son of a southern millionaire.  This is choice?  Suddenly I'm living in a Halloween episode of The Simpsons.  I've never encouraged apathy, but if I had a gun to my head and was asked to make a decision, I'd vote for the bullet.  How good could a straight man's luck be if he gets set up for a blind date with a person named Mary Ann who turns out to be male? There should be a law against giving girl names to guys and guy names to girls.  When I announce my candidacy (hey, it's coming soon, damn it!), this will be one of the issues I will be running on.  I never found Merry-Go-Rounds to be very Merry as a kid.  I could never get them going fast enough without anyone to push me.  Teeter-Totters were a real problem.  Women cannot beat off a man.  Either they're busy trying to rip your dick off, or they're gently caressing it, like a clitoris is going to pop out at any given second.  There hasn't been a private moment in the last 15 years where I wouldn't rather be having sex at that very moment.  Someday I'd like to walk up to some hot girl at a bar with the right thing to say.  I also wouldn't mind walking up to some hot girl at a bar who didn't leave me feeling like I would have been better off not saying anything at all.  I hate people that get a "Grade A Meat" tattoo on their ass.  99% of the time it's false advertising, and the other 1% of the time it's married.  In England a lot of the architecture is crooked.  I wonder if that was done to match the teeth?  I hate this world.

2000 ALEX SANDELL [ALL FUCKING RIGHTS RESERVED].  THIS UPDATE WAS BEST VIEWED WITH THE "CHILLER" FONT.  IF YOU VIEWED IT WITH ANOTHER FONT, YOU DIDN'T VIEW IT AT ITS BEST.  IF YOU COPY THIS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION I WILL FINALLY GET TO FIGURE OUT HOW MANY GALLONS OF BLOOD CAN COME OUT OF ONE SLIT THROAT.

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