Why the 69th Annual Academy Awards Sucked

Once again, Hollywood got together to kiss one another's asses and hand people awards for making millions of dollars and doing lots of illegal substances. Where did this take place? Where else? The 69th Annual Academy Awards. Here is an honest review of what happened at the awards, written by someone who wasn't there, wasn't sponsored by any corporation, and isn't scared to say what just about everyone thinks.

Being that there were lots of awards, meaning there's lots to bitch about, here's the play by play list of the awards, who they went to, and thoughts on Oscar's butt.

The night started off by giving the Best Supporting Actor award to Jerry Maguire's Cuba Gooding Jr.. After seeing his "speech" I'm sure the Surge softdrink company is already trying to hire Cuba as their next spokesperson. I haven't seen someone this excited since, well . . . a Surge add.

The next award was given out for Art/Set Direction. This award went to The English Patient which, in my opinion, deserved nothing but the Most Boring Film Ever Released award. I guess the Academy must consider filming a bunch of sand artistic.

Best Costume Design came up next, and it was given to Ann Roth for her ability to put scarves around people's necks in The English Patient.

And then we took a little breather to realize Madonna's baby was her greatest fashion-accessory yet, due to the gigantic, heaving, lactating breasts she shows off any, and everywhere. Oh, and not only that, she sang some song about Argentina.

I had to take my pork chops out of the oven during the Best Sound Effects Editing award, but I'm sure somebody won it.

Best Achievement in Makeup went to David Leroy Anderson for The Nutty Professor. All sarcasm aside, I must admit, the Academy actually picked the right guy for this one. He made Eddie Murphy look ALMOST as fat as he was in Another 48 Hours.

Juliette Binoche wore a REALLY stupid dress, making her look like a bizarre Dracula/Snow White hybrid, and while she was at it, won Best Supporting Actress for The English Patient.

Dear Diary won the Most Unoriginal Title award, and I think, another Oscar, for being the Best Live Action Short Film. Finally! A category The English Patient CAN'T win in.

Best Animated Short Film went to Quest and made me wonder why we NEVER get any cartoon-festivals in my town.

Breathing Lessons won Best Documentary Short Subject, and reminded the world that, it's not the size of your Documentary, it's how you film it.

Best Documentary Feature was claimed by When We Were Kings, and had me wondering if they were through with all the boring awards, yet.

Best Sound, which was won by The English Patient, proved that they weren't.

After Best Sound was announced, some freak tapdanced for about three hours, I got bored, and started wondering how often Oscar works out, to get that nice butt of his.

Somehow, The English Patient won Best Achievement in Film Editing. The English Patient, the longest, most arduous movie of all time, winning an award for best EDITING, just has to go in the dictionary as the new definition of "Oxymoron."

Best Song in a Musical or Comedy was won by Emma. I can't remember what song it was, but I'm sure it sucked.

The English Patient won Best Original Dramatic Score, along with an honorary Oscar for Movie That Put the Most People to Sleep Before the End Credits.

I was shocked, after it's poor showing all night, to see The English Patient win Best Director of Photography. I didn't bother to write down the guy's name, but all you really need to know is, he filmed a big desert.

Kolya won the Movies That Talk Funny award. I think it's about some weird sort of Indonesian soda, or something.

Best Original Song went to You Must Love Me. All I can ask is, why?

Slingblade took home the Oscar for Best Screenplay Adaptation. Hey, when did Garth Brooks change his name to Billy Bob Thorton?

FINALLY something GOOD happened!!! Ethan and Joel Coen won Best Original Screenplay for the wonderful movie, Fargo. But, then again, maybe I'm just biased, since I'm from MinnesOta.

Frances McDormand won the Best Actress award for her wonderful performance in the seminal film, Fargo. But, then again, maybe I'm just biased, since I'm from MinnesOta.

Jeepers! Geoffrey Rush won Best Actor for his delightful, humorous performance in the excellent film, Shine. But, then again, maybe I'm just biased, since I'm kind of a weirdo.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and Anthony Minghella took home the Best Director award for boring us all half to death with The English Patient.

And, as it has for the past three years, the Academy Awards went out with a sad simmer, instead of a happy BANG by predictably choosing The English Patient as Best Picture. It's a movie about a bunch of sand.

And, there it is, a movie about a bunch of English people playing in a sandbox conquered the night, while really GOOD films like Shine and Fargo merely received consolation prizes.

More Oscar updates:

The 75th Annual Academy Awards:  You can't take it with you, but somebody will auction it off on eBay, once you're gone

The 74th Annual Academy Awards:  Oscar Takes Over the World

We're Not Worthy:  The 73rd Annual Academy Awards

Why the 71st Annual Academy Awards Were Longer Than World War II, Itself

Why the 70th Annual Academy Awards Were a Great Sedative

Written by: Alex Sandell

1997 Alex Sandell. If you copy this, without permission, you will be forced to watch The English Patient, over and over again, for all of eternity (which, actually, would probably only be once or twice).

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