Hopefully you've collected and sent in all 35 "Teabagger One Nutty Clusters and Assholes" boxtops and received your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring ("Teabagger One Nutty Clusters and Assholes" brand cereal and its parent company, General Shills, will not be held responsible for magic miracle Jesus decoder rings lost in the mail or simply not sent. Don't like it? Next time, read the Terms of Service! Jesus would.), because Rockin' Ranger Paul Ryan is about to brave the remnants of a hurricane and give his convention floor speech!

As you all know, Ranger Ryan -- like most Republicans -- speaks in code. It's a tricky code to decipher, which is why we sent a few of you magic miracle Jesus decoder rings and profited off the rest of you, without sending you dick (Free Enterprise for the win!). For you good young Republicans worthy of receiving the ring, let's begin decoding Ranger Ryan's convention floor speech, shall we? This will be fun. Hooray for coded language, right kids? Did you just run your decoder ring over that last sentence? If you did, you saw that "right kids" meant "far right kids" and "hooray" meant your parents gave the RNC a whole lot of money. Now, onto the speech ...


Rockin' Ranger Paul Ryan's Coded Convention Speech For Cunty Conservatives*
decoding provided by their slightly less brainwashed children, with help from Jesus Christ's magic miracle decoder ring and Alex Sandell


Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: I accept the calling of my generation to give our children the America that was given to us, with opportunity for the young and security for the old – and I know that we are ready.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: I accept the calling of paranoid white racists to steal the America that they already stole from the Indians from the young and to steal the security from the old. 

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: Our nominee is sure ready.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Our nominee is sure wealthy.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: I’m the newcomer to the campaign, so let me share a first impression.  I have never seen opponents so silent about their record, and so desperate to keep their power.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Black folk in power scare the living shit out of me and Obama handed me my own heart on a platter at this retreat once. I bet he's dealing crack on the side. 
"White House"?!? More like crack house! See what I did there? LOL! I have nice hair.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: They’ve run out of ideas. Their moment came and went. Fear and division are all they’ve got left.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Black men have run out of ideas. Their moment came and went. They should go back to drinking 40 oz of liquid courage while watching What's Happening!! Is What's Happening!! the one with Willis? I mostly paid attention to white shit like Family Ties. Alex P. Keaton was my idol. I have nice hair.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: The president is just throwing away money – and he’s pretty experienced at that. 

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Like most black dudes ... money means nothing and nothing means as much to a Negro as throwing away money. Why not throw it away? The Government will just give it back, plus interest! Have you been to a slum lately? These people live like kings! Some only work 3 full-time jobs. Can you imagine?!? I worked one job once and it was soooooo easy! Imagine having it three times easier!!!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: You see, some people can’t be dragged down by the usual cheap tactics, because their ability, character, and plain decency are so obvious!

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Didn't you see the color of their skin? All lily white? Why let some President with extra pigmentation drag them down with the usual cheap tactics? We know whitey has ability, character and decency to spare! It's as obvious as the watermelon and fried chicken combo in a black man's mouth!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: I’m sure proud of where I come from, Janesville, Wisconsin. I live on the same block where I grew up. We belong to the same parish where I was baptized.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read:
I don't think I could be proud of being born in Kenya. And forging my birth certificate, to make it look like this country was where I grew up. Reverend Wright is an asshole.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: And now I ask those hardworking men and women, and millions like them across America, to join our cause and get this country working again.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: And now I ask the Aryan Nations, and millions of Aryans like them forming crazy sects across America, and get the niggers in this country running again!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: What did the taxpayers get out of the Obama stimulus?  More debt.  That money wasn’t just spent and wasted – it was borrowed, spent, and wasted. Maybe the greatest waste of all was time.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Outside of the huge Medicaid giveaway I supported. And the two unfunded wars. And the multiple unfunded tax cuts for the super rich. LOL! I say, LOL! I am the biggest goddamn hypocrite to ever live, and if you believe a single thing I say, you are the biggest moron to ever exist! Again, I say, LOL!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:  And the biggest, coldest power play of all in Obamacare came at the expense of the elderly. 

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Unless you can read and see that the elderly greatly benefit under what I choose to call "Obamacare"; because I am an immature child not fit to be the VP of the US. In all honesty, the elderly do much, much better under Obama's plan than they do under the ridiculous "Ayn Rand Plan" I created to boost my ego with moronic teabaggers and to increase my chances of being selected VP. To be honest, I don't give a fuck about the elderly. I hope that, if they can't afford to buy health care on their own, they all die. That is the way of Ayn Rand, and Any Rand is my Holy Ghost, my Jesus Christ and my Lord. Look her up. You'll see where I'm coming from. This whole "Catholic" thing is a facade. Just ask my staff.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: The greatest threat to Medicare is Obamacare.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Except for the plan I share with dickhead Romney that will literally kill almost every elderly person in this country who isn't already a millionaire. And, unlike when I use the word "Catholic" to describe myself, I do mean it when I say, "Kill" and "almost every elderly person" together in a sentence. I'm faking that whole Catholic thing so hard, the Eucharist spits me back out.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: Obama's is a presidency adrift, surviving on slogans that already seem tired, grasping at a moment that has already passed, like a ship trying to sail on yesterday’s wind. 

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read:
Says I, the snake oil salesman selling trickle-down economics (IE - "Let the rich piss on the poor and middle-class") to the gullible and the idiots, for the 750th time since Ronald Reagan shit the the concept of "trickle down" out on the populace with his creepy Alzheimer's grin. The grin of a mannequin, which is exactly what he was. And a ship? Really? Would that be a slave ship? With the applause the white bigots at the convention gave, it would seem so. Silly white bigots, with your hatred of anyone who isn't your color! That line was written for you ... literally. Yes, we pander here, in the GOP.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: Obama assumed office almost four years ago – isn’t it about time he assumed responsibility?

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Them crazy fuckin' niggers, never taking responsibility for their actions! How dare Obama not take responsibility for killing Osama bin Laden? How dare he not take responsibility for saving the U.S. auto-industry? And, god help him, for not claiming responsibility for saving this economy!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: Republicans stepped up with good-faith reforms and solutions equal to the problems.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Republicans didn't step up with shit. They never offered a solution. They never tried to solve a problem. They proudly proclaimed that making Obama a "one-term" President was their ONLY goal. Your magic miracle decoder ring isn't needed this time. Everyone knows this. The Republicans failed. The Republicans behaved like terrorists. The fact that the Republicans, including me, Paul Ryan, aren't ashamed, could make a person wonder if they actually are terrorists.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: After four years of government trying to divide up the wealth, we will get America creating wealth again.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: We will get America creating wealth again for the already wealthy.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: College graduates should not have to live out their 20s in their childhood bedrooms, staring up at fading Obama posters and wondering when they can move out and get going with life.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Which is why every single Republican -- including myself -- should be voted out of office forever, for obstructing any possible good that could come to this country, because we're racist, we're hateful and we're willing to destroy everything in the name of rebuilding a society that caters solely to the super-rich. If you're a college graduate -- we don't care about you. AT ALL. We voted against helping you. We FILIBUSTERED helping you. You are worthless to us. Go to hell!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: If you’re feeling left out or passed by: You have not failed, your leaders have failed you.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Your leaders being Congressional Republicans, such as myself, who control the purse-strings of the entire U.S. Congress. We have failed you. We are failures. Did I mention I've never had a real job? I've been living off of your taxes my entire life! It's true! Look it up!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: None of us have to settle for the best this administration offers – a dull, adventureless journey from one entitlement to the next.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Have I failed to mention that, if not for my daddy's heart failure and the Social Security Death Benefits I received and took without hesitation, I would be cleaning chicken bones out of KFC dumpsters at this point in life, rather than running for VP of the US?

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said: Victims of circumstances beyond our control, with government there to help us cope with our fate.
 
Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read:
Chicken bones. Dumpsters. KFC. Thanks BIG GOVERNMENT for the SOCIAL SECURITY checks you provided me to advance my way in life, so I didn't get stuck cleaning out greasy garbage cans! Too bad that what was good for me, is not good for anyone else! I was simply using Government to create an opportunity for myself. The rest of you are fucking moochers! Ayn Rand said so!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
Being successful in business – that’s a good thing.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Which is why I've never been good at anything, other than consistently exploiting my father's death and sucking the huge Government teet that came along with it.

--

And then Rockin' Ranger Paul Ryan went on to like about every single fucking thing in the history of the world. I swear the guy was out to set a world record in bullshit. And, quite honestly, at this point, you can throw out your decoder rings, kids. Because for the rest of the speech all they'll say is "lying liar and the lies he tells." Paul Ryan is the "serious" Republican? That's funny, because the guy is a joke!

Email for your own decoder ring!*

*YMMV

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