The "Losers" Write Back
Intro. by:  Alex Sandell
Letters by:  A bunch of losers

Tuesday's update, "Going Through the Motions," which was about how sick I am of my own writing, and how no one else is writing in, drew quite a response.  A lot of you identified with what I wrote, and admitted that your life, too, has become nothing but a sequence of motions which must be gone through.  Some of you thought I was trying to get some contribution out of the deal.  Others thought that it was an April Fool's joke.  Obviously, the "April Fool's" people didn't have a calendar, the people thinking I was asking for contributions were dead wrong (if I'm asking for contributions, I directly ask for contributions, I don't write a melodramatic update about writer's block in hopes that someone will actually get off their ass and say, "hey, I've been reading this page for years, I owe this guy something.  I didn't know it before, but with those subliminal suggestions, I have finally seen the light."), and the people who identified probably needed something to identify with, if "Going Through the Motions" was the story of their life.  All of this is fine, some of it is right.  What is "fine" and which is "right?"   I have no idea, I just thought it sounded like a nice way to end this paragraph.   So did, "I just thought it sounded like a nice way to end this paragraph." 

Since I'm still pretty sick of my writing, and I'm getting really sick of this intro., here are the emails that I have received in the past couple of days.  You'll notice a wide range of opinions, and may actually enjoy a few of them.  I would like to note that this is EVERY email (with exception to the two that I accidentally deleted along with some SPAM) I received, and NONE of these emails were "planted" by me.  They are all genuine.  How can I prove it?  There are no tiny scars under my breasts.

P.S. - NO, I don't really think you're all "losers."

Now for the emails:

You're obviously suffering from some sort
of depression if you think your site has gone
down hill.  I think your site is BETTER than
ever!!!  Your writing gets better on a technical
level with each update (as an English teacher,
I pay attention to these things) and you
seem to maintain a sense of integrity and
honesty in all that you write, whether it be
comedy or tragedy.  Keep going and believe
me when I say your site has gotten BETTER
and your writing is that of a genius!  Don't
give up, your talent WILL be rewarded.

It's been a while since I've written,
but after your last update I feel compelled
to say a little something that you may or
may not end up liking, but what the hell.
After all, you could have just been bullshitting.
I think I caught you in the beginning of your
second year with the page, went back and
read everything I had missed while trying
to keep up with the new updates, loving

In my pathetic little world, Alex Sandell is a
god. I pass on your URL to my friends as "the
greatest place you'll find on the net." I rave
about your writing and would defend it to the
death. I've dreamed about you, some personality
composed entirely of words on a screen.
I may be a psycho for all this, but it's great.
Your "crap" is my bible. Sure, there have been
times I've read some update and thought "he's
full of shit" or "he should quit his goddamn
whining," but I've always stood by it all, whether
I liked it or not.

My lame point is that no matter what you write,
whether you think it's good or not, I like. Some
things I like better than others, but the fact that it
comes from you is all I need to like it. Maybe this
doesn't mean much, maybe it's just a bunch of
rambling from some chick in Austin, but for what
it's worth Alex, you're incredible.

I'm no shrink. I can't tell you squat on how to deal with
frustrations and depressive thoughts. But I can let you know there still
are people around caring for you. And your webpage.

I would have to agree that your page no longer seems to be roaring
with the provocative topics that it once did, but that can be expected.
How many professional writers are expected to write 600 or so
completed documents without burning out?

Editors for magazines do that maybe over the course of their 30 year
career, not in 3 years.  It could simply be that you are burned out,
and in that case, as you said about the last few seasons of Seinfeld,
you should just walk away before you completely alienate your audience.
I would rather reminisce about your past updates than watch as your
page slowly dilapidates into a fetid pile of horse crap.

I personally think that what you have done is above and beyond the
call of cyber duty in its most basic sense.   To most people who makes
a web page, (including myself) it means typing it up in a few hours,
pasting it up on the web in all its "glory" and leaving it to rot.  You
have never gone 5 days without updating your site, which is better than
most professional sites.  You have devoted thousands of hours of work
on your site, and rarely getting anything in return aside from a few
encouraging e-mails, which is insignificant when compared to the hate
mail that you receive. It comes to a time when even the most loyal
person to his customers knows when his business is over and it is time
to hang up the towel.  Sure you may feel a  bit guilty, but
when you think about it, you owe us nothing, and the readers of your
page owe you hundreds of hours of fun and entertainment, which we took
without once thinking about the person behind it all.
-Joseph Hendricks

Your page is the BEST page online.  It ALWAYS has been and ALWAYS will
be.  Look at what you write.  You haven't gotten've gotten
BETTER!!!  I LOVE all your new updates and your old.  Don't give up cuz
some fuckhead said your page is losing its edge.  Your page has MORE
edge than it ever has.  Just look at the "Anti-Catholic League" update for
example.  It's edgier than ever and I bet pissed a lot of fuckheads off!!!
-Tiffany M.

I'm no loser, you're no freak, we're not sick of it. So fuck off.

Yes I visit your page quite often... I don't always agree with you and
sometimes I don't like your choice of language.. but I enjoy your page
*most of the time anyway*... I love your sarcasm and you have the funniest
way of putting things.  You're not a loser and you can't let the Cerebellum
well, die.  It wouldn't be right.  When I need a good laugh I go read one
of those funny updates and laugh my head off for a while no matter how many
times I've read it.
-Amanda Miller 

I read today's update, and it along with the rest of the shitty stuff that
happened today really depressed me.   I'm not blaming you here; you don't
need to be defensive.  It's just this: When Alex is in a crappy mood, the
page is crappy. [that goes for any emotion] Embittered garbage isn't fun for
anyone.  Maybe you ARE spending too much time on the page.  When I first
discovered this page last year, I was thrilled with the writings.  There is
some classy stuff in your archives, some genuinely funny, clever and witty
pieces that need to be published outside of the Internet.  Don't completely
give up.  Don't say this page is lost.  It isn't.  We've all been through
some hard times with you before, you know that. Maybe you should just spend
some time for yourself.  Work towards some goal that will make you a happier
person.     Maybe take a break from the page all together.    Many of the
things on today's update are true, but it doesn't mean you're stuck forever.
Take a break, breathe, do something else for a little while.

If your page "sucks" I'll take a "sucky page anytime!
You're the best author online and you also happen to
be my hero.  That's it.  I said it.  Please don't give up!

I don't know if this is going to help you any, but dammit, I'm going
to try.  I just read your most recent update (the one about how you're
sick of it all), and I feel really bad.  I LOVE The Juicy Cerebellum.   Had
I any money to give, I'd send you some.  But, I'm just a grounded,
unemployed 16-year-old chick with only her lunch money to her name
and too much time on her hands.

One of my good friends turned me to the Cerebellum.   He knew the
kind of sense of humor I've got, and said I'd love it.  He was right. 
(Which almost NEVER happens.)  I've spent hours here, reading through
your old updates and laughing my ass off.  You have a truly independent
mind, which is very very rare these days, as you well know.  It was
unbelievably cool to find someone who has wondered at the same sick
injustices of life that I have.  (I know most of this must sound like needless
ass-kissing to you, but I stand behind every word of it.)

I noticed your slump and hope to whatever powers that be that you pull
out of it.  Not for my sake, but for yours.  It would be a fucking shame if
a person like you gave up on making his voice heard.  Don't let the assholes
get you down.  They don't know anything but what society has fed them
and the little peon thoughts that fart out of their tiny narrow minds.  I don't
buy into that "failure" shit.  I truly believe that the only failure is the person
who does nothing to affect the world.  And that doesn't fit you at all. 

But, no matter WHAT happens and what you decide to do with the
Cerebellum, just remember one thing.  Some of us heard your voice.  Some of
us actually listened.  Some of us are better for it.  And some of us really really
appreciate what you've done.  (Okay, that's more than one thing, but oh well. 
Sue me.)  The best of luck to you, Alex, on whatever path you choose. 
(AKA, Marie)

The update for today (5/11/99) was probably one
of the best in a long time. Why? Because you told me what you feel - and
you scared me. Well, you didn't really SCARE me...rather, you shocked

You see, when you first started the page, with updates like "Very Brady
Quotes" and the whole McDonald's land deal, you weren't showing
anything. You weren't showing your real self. You were just "The funny
guy that writes the articles that make me laugh." But then, as you went
along - I believe starting with the time you got fucked over by Matt
Tallmen, and GeoCities was threatening you - you started to express your
anxiety and depression. Hehe. I remember when you first threatened to
stop updating. You got tons of E-mails BEGGING you to restart - one of
them mine. You brought the page back, we all had a good laugh, and
things were back to normal. But, then, eventually, your updates went
sour for awhile. You went from your "humour for the sake of humour"
phase, to your "humour 'cause I'm pissed at someone phase", to your
"humour because I'm really goddamned depressed" phase - and then,
finally, your "I hate everyone, I want to fucking die. Please somebody
shoot me in the fucking head" phase. I think it was at the last two that
you started losing "customers" or people at least started to complain.
So, you tried to get back up to your "humour for the sake of humour"
-Psychiatrist Sandy

I rarely ever write to the author's of web pages, but I also hardly ever
view a web page consistently.  I must say that I have come back to the Juicy
Cerebellum  time and time again.  I feel that my penchant for black humor
must be filled every now and then, and your page is a great source of
humorous (though most times true) outlooks on the world around us. 

(30 Minute pause here for Futurama.)

Bad Fish!  Bad Fish!  Hehehe

Anyways, as I was saying.  I don't think you should weigh the importance of
your web page based on how many responses you get back from readers.
Perhaps I'm wrong and we, the audience, should have been writing in all
along.  But I don't believe you stressed it that much.

"Leave this page now; this is your last warning.  As of today, The Juicy
Cerebellum is written by a freak and read only by losers.   I'm sick of it,
and so are you."

I don't believe I'm a loser.  I personally think I'm god, but that's another
story. I hope you find what you're missing;  That which caused you to write
in the first place.
-Travis Brown

Please, don't give up! When I read your update it was actually gut
wrenching to me. It just makes me so sad, I understand the feeling of people
under-estimating your talent. But please, just because nobody else sees it, don't think
that you don't have any; or that it isn't worth
anything. Because it is.I don't give a fuck if people are saying you are
losing your "edge", to me you aren't. I think the fact that you have been
able to run a good website for as long as you have if pretty damn good. If
people are constantly expecting you to be "funny" or at least up to their
standards of what they think "funny" is, fuck 'em, you're not a machine. Hell
even machines screw up.I don't know anybody who is funny all the time.
And as for the "realists" please
don't even kid about that bullshit. You're more real than they will ever be,
sure that may mean wading through knee-deep shit in life, but at least you
won't be a sell out, and there are just too damn many of those. And it does
get so fucking hard, and it is and does get so god damned old. But we are a
dying breed, us dreamers, and the reason is because we care and are trying to
do something about it. The most fucking difficult test of strength that there
ever was or ever will be. And as fucking unreal as it seems or as much as you
disagree, I do think your time will come, because you are a good and decent
person and because you deserve it. As hard as it is in this unrealistic,
rotten, piece of shit world, don't let "them" get to you. It's the people who
can see magic in things that matter. I hope this is some sort of consolation
for you.

Okay, sorry, I got sick of cutting and pasting and missed out on about 75% of your letters.  If I didn't include yours, it wasn't cuz it was moronic, it was because you wrote at a later time than these people, and I got tired of pasting all this proverbial poop.  Sure, it was GOOD poop, and there were plenty of good letters left, but a man has to piss, and I have to piss, and I really can't hold it any longer.  Thanks for reading. 

TAKE THE JUICY CEREBELLUM SURVEY!!!   Simply send an email to stating whether or not you think The Juicy Cerebellum should continue.  If you want it, just say "yes," if you don't want it to continue, simply say, "no."  I would have made one of those neat java survey thingies, but I forgot how, and don't want to relearn it, so you're stuck with the old-fashioned email.   Sorry (I guess).

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