When You're Poor . . .
Written by: Alex Sandell
You realize the United States really is a melting pot, just an extremely cheap one.
Your car starts almost as often as it breaks down.
The "sound of silence" is now the "sound of sirens."
The only shopping for windows you'll do is window shopping.
The muffler usually falls off of your car, announcing to the world, "hey, I'm being driven by a poor guy!"
Santa Claus is a guy with a red bucket ringing a bell.
SPAM is still meat in a can.
All "long-distance love affairs" occur when calling collect.
You find Satan isn't the overlord of Hell, but the owner of a collection agency.
People stick ads and business cards all over your broken down car saying things like, "earn over $1,000.00 in less than one week!" and, "why rent when you can own? Call this number and find out how! (Only $2.99 a minute. Message is approximately 3 minutes long.)"
You'd like to stop, but McDonald's is just too damn expensive.
You develop an overwhelming urge to cut everyone's cable whenever your $14.99 K-Mart antenna "goes on the fritz."
People curse you for being poor, because otherwise they'd feel obligated to lend you a hand.
You won't get many wealthy visitors, because all the people with money are scared their mufflers might get stolen by those "at-risk" children.
The only Chinese you eat is the woman you picked up at the bar.
People think that you're dumb because you're not rich.
In no way are you related to Steve Forbes, Ross Perot or Bill Gates.
Your "second chance at life" is a Sears' Credit Card with unlimited spending.
You realize that there are no second chances.
You're grateful that I suck at graphics, because you only have a 14.4 modem and your Internet connection could be cut at any time.
Email alex at firstname.lastname@example.org, if you can afford to.
©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. When you're poor, you wait for someone to rip you off, just so you can sue their scam-artist asses off and get rich.
Back to the table of brains
Back to The Juicy Cerebellum