*I meant this update to come with a pretty cool title graphic. The person that promised the aforementioned graphic backed out on me (she hasn't explained why). It looks like I need a new "graphic-y" type person. If you're good at graphics, and are willing to get them to me on time (you usually have about 2 hours -- late at night), get in touch with me.*
How to Pick a President # 1: Have a Tag-Team Wrestling Match between the Spoilers and the Spoiled
If you talk to the Bush camp, you'll hear
what a spoiler Pat "The Nazi" Buchanan was to the Republicans, in such
a close election. If you talk to the Gore camp, you'll hear what a spoiler
Ralph "The Muckraker" Nader was to the Democrats, in such a close
election. Neither Al "The Sleeper" Gore or George "The
Designated Driver" Bush, America's two most privileged and spoiled
major-party candidates to compete against one-another, during the last century,
will admit that the only rotten-eggs stinking up this tight race were the ones
stinking up their own party's respective cartons. This political (or
apolitical, if you take the George W. Bush factor into account) Tag-Team Tournament
will be a close fight, but I predict The Nazi and The Muckraker will take it in
the third round. The Sleeper will come out strong, in round one, by boring
the audience, and the competition, with senseless numbers and a monotone voice,
but The Nazi will strike back with insane rhetoric about America being taken
over by immigrants; possibly even replaying his ridiculous "911" ad
over the super-monitors, to
throw people off. The round itself will be too close to call, much like
Florida, but will come out in favor of The Nazi, because his ad will get awarded
1 point by Bill Maher for its Political Incorrectness. In round two, The
Designated Driver will arouse the crowd by telling them that he'll cut all their
taxes "equalelly," but his inept pronunciation of sixth-grade level
words will lose them by the time he screams, "when I pin Nader it won't be
sublibinimally." Nader will then take the lead by announcing that the
Democratic and Republican parties are the same thing. "The
Muckraker" will go on to use exceptionally big words which befuddle the
audience, and his opponent, and will knock George W. Bush out, with common
sense, by the end of round two. Finally, in round three, Bush and Gore
will both become confused over which party they are representing, and will lose the
entire thing when they conclude that they are, indeed, the very same
corporation, and have decided to merge into one entity, like Warner Bros. and
AOL (both down in the Nasdaq, but up in hope). The two decide to offer an IPO on
"Republicrat" shareholdings. Nader and Buchanan win the fight, and go on to
fight it out in an intensified third-party campaign. Although Buchanan
takes the deep South, Nader ends up winning, being that he doesn't favor
"killing nigger immigrants" if they aren't "productive." The
race is over, and Ralph Nader is President!
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Go to "How to Pick a President Part 2!"
Go to "How to Pick a President Part 3!"
Go to "How to Pick a President Part 4!"
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