How to Pick a President # 3:  First to solve "Butterfly Ballot" baffler!

November 7th, 2000 was a confusing day for the "Depends" set living in Palm Beach County, Florida, due to a "butterfly" ballot which placed Gore below Buchanan on the ballot, and as the third punch dot on the list.  Due to Gore's placement on the ballot, tons of confused seniors, and a handful of drunk Spring Break holdovers, accidentally picked Buchanan, when they intended to select Gore.   Due primarily to the apparent ballot confusion, Al Gore is not the current President Elect, George Bush has developed a monstrous boil, and lots of old people are protesting like it's 1949.  

The Juicy Cerebellum, in its third attempt to figure out a fair way to determine who our next President is going to be, has decided to place one of the infamous "butterfly" ballots in front of each Presidential Candidate, including George W. Bush, Al Gore, Ralph Nader, Pat Buchanan and all of the people you never heard of, including that guy that ran around dressed as a toothbrush.   The candidates will all sit in a row, at a table, much like they would at a pie-eating contest, and the first to figure the ballot out will be our next President.  

George Bush is stumped almost immediately, and within seconds, gives up on the ballot.  "I couldn't remember who the other guy was," Bush tells a bleary-eyed press, later in the day, "my campaign advisors told me I had to memorize the name 'George W. Bush' and that's the only name I could recollectic."  The press wonders whether or not Bush's mispronunciation of the word "recollect" was accidental, or a "sublibibinmal" reminder to the public that they may have voted in a total dunce as their next President.  

Much like Bush, Buchanan gave up on the ballot early on, when he discovered Adolf Hitler wasn't listed as a candidate.  "This is a Jewish conspiracy, plain and simple," a miffed Buchanan announced, "not all of us truly believe the man is dead, and he's obviously the only guy for the job in the year 2000."  Thanks primarily to these comments, Buchanan's favorable rating dropped from the 0% he was at to a negative 7%.

Al Gore, thinking ahead, hired a team of trial lawyers to figure out the butterfly ballot for him.  "I am just too busy with my job as Vice President," Gore claimed to the press while playing a baseball game with his pet goldfish, "and I think Governor Bush knows this."  Gore's legal team managed to select Gore in just under 3 minutes, after a debate over whether or not picking him was "worth the money."  

Finally, an unusually calm Ralph Nader turned in his ballot.  Although it took him 17 seconds longer to finish than it did Gore's legal team, Nader ended up winning the Presidency, because he's the only one that got the ballot right, by picking himself as the next President of the United States of America.
-Alex Sandell

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Read How to Pick a President # 1!

Read How to Pick a President # 2!

Read How to Pick a President # 4!

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