How to Pick a President # 4:  Bring on The Count!

Don't trust machines?  Having mixed feelings about Democratic Districts counting by hand?  Is this whole "being President" thing already harder than mommy and daddy told you it would be, and the job hasn't even begun?  In that case, you must be George W. Bush or Al Gore, history's most unelectable Presidential Candidates!

We all know that, with the spoiled upbringing both of you had, nothing in the world is "fair" unless it's going exactly your way, and that if something isn't going exactly your way, you can always pay it to; at least you always could ... until now.  Somehow, even with the combined hundreds of millions of dollars the two of you spent, neither of you could buy a mandate, or, to your surprise, an election.  

Now that the American public has cast its split vote of disenchantment, and there is no clear winner, lawsuits and recounts are the only way to settle this thing, once and for all.  Unfortunately, neither of you trust the other one's recounting methods or legal maneuvering, and "concession" is a word that all the Harvard's and Yale's in the world couldn't teach you, so we're back at square one. 

What to do?  What to do?

In its quest to end this madness, The Juicy Cerebellum is about to offer up the ultimate solution:  send in The Count ... Sesame Street's Count von Count, that is!  He's bi-partisan, he's accurate, and, being a puppet, he's somebody you both can identify with!  As an admired children's character, and childhood hero to millions of people, he's also someone both of you childish brats should be able to trust beyond a reasonable count ... er ... "doubt!"

The Count addresses each of the
candidate's respective legal-teams.

Still not sure?  Let me show you a description of The Count taken from The Count's very own webpage:  "The friendly, elegant, and purple Count has a sharp nose for numbers. This caped counter will count anything at any time, which sometimes tries the patience of others. He counts dewdrops in the morning and stars at night. He counts sand at the beach. He also probably has to count parking tickets that pile up while he's counting other things."  When asked why he goes by such a strange name, he replied by saying, "They call me The Count because I love to count things".  There's some logic that even George W. Bush can understand!

Now that you've been introduced to the idea, it's time to get down to business, hire The Count, and resolve this thing, once and for all!  Then, when it's all over with, no matter which one of you win, The Count has these friendly words of advice, "Count your blessings. Over and over and over and over."
-Alex Sandell (with help from The Count)

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Read How to Pick a President # 1!

Read How to Pick a President # 2!

Read How to pick a President # 3!

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