Movies

All Bets On Juicy:
Scoring big with the Cerebellum
Written by: Alex Sandell

A couple of months ago I made a lot of predictions about what movies would be hits and what movies would bomb so hard they'd make Hiroshima look like Walt Disney World. This is kind of like a mid-Summer report card, only with sex jokes. Did you like my introduction to this update? Directly below this introduction that you may or may not have liked, you will find the actual update. It starts with the word Gladiator.

Gladiator -
I Said: "Cursed with a 2.5 hour length and slapped with an 'R' rating, it may not fare as well as it could, but I definitely think it will top the 100-million mark."
It Did: Very well. It's now up to about 173-million, and counting. Should top out at around 185.
I Did: Very well. Most people expected this film to bring in about 80-90 million. I knew from the start it was going to top 100, because I am very intelligent and like sex better than blowjobs.
I Thought: This movie was excellent. We've seen it all before, but we've never seen it all like this. Violent, macho and better than sex with a weed-whacker. The best movie so far this summer.

I Dreamed of Africa -
I Said: "If Basinger and Baldwin keep picking crap like this to star in, they're going to end up on welfare."
It Did: About as well as a person on welfare.
I Did: Very well, once again. It was not really any big surprise to anyone that this thing tanked. Some guy just messaged me and said, "hi, I have a picture that people tell me is really sexy. Shall I send it to you?" What a fag.
I Thought: That this movie wasn't worth going to, so I can't review it.

Battlefield Earth -
I Said: "[It will make] about as much as that crappy He-Man movie they put out back in the eighties."
It Did: About as well as that crappy He-Man movie they put out back in the eighties.
I Did: At this point, I could be a fucking fortune teller. I was dead-on with my prediction. I knew this was one "cult"-film that wouldn't go anywhere. John Travolta's brain must not be getting oxygen through all that food he's stuffing down his throat.
I Thought: That any movie that is based on a book by a psychotic cult-leader isn't worth going to, even if I did receive free tickets.

Center Stage -
I Said: "Being that the theaters are being BOMBARDED with movies for men, this could draw in an estrogen-starved female crowd, and maybe some gay guys. I still somehow doubt it will do much at the box-office, unless the male dancers are required to remain erect throughout their performance(s)."
It Did: Pretty bad. I think it made like 15-million, or something. Should I have these dashes between the numbers and the word "million?" Like, should it be "15-million" or "15 million?" I'm too caught up predicting how rich other people are going to get to figure these kind of things out.
I Did: Pretty good. Yet another prediction of mine comes true. Now, don't you wish you would have taken my word for it, when you were doing all that illegal betting this summer?
I Thought: A movie about ballet would be about as good as a ballet, so I didn't waste my time.

Hamlet -
I Said: "No. I'm convinced that the year 2000 will be the year that people finally figure out that Shakespeare kind of, totally sucks. Or should I say, 'suckeths?'"
It Did: Horrible. I don't think it did anything. I "thinketh" I was right about this being the year the Bard makes people barf.
I Did: Excellent. I called it, it happened. I'm now 5 for 5. Do I get a gold star, or something?
I Thought: That Shakespeare sucked long before you art-house geeks pretended to like him. Naturally, I "avoided-eth" this movie.

Held Up -
I Said: "Will this thing make money? I'd lean toward the 'no' end of things . . ."
It Did: Rotten. Not even the popularity of The Jamie Foxx Show could save this from instant failure.
I Did: Amazingly well, once again. Is someone gonna blow me for my troubles? Thank you.
I Thought: That I would pass on seeing this stupid film.

Went to Coney Island on a Mission From God . . . Be Back by Five -
I Said: "Will it make money? Probably not."
It Did: So bad I'm not even sure if it ever came out.
I Did: Great, I guess. Was this thing released? I need some info., here!
I Thought: "That wouldn't be a bad movie to check out. I wonder if it will ever play anywhere, or if I'll just have to make it up in my head when I'm stuck on the toilet with constipation."

Dinosaur -
I Said: "This thing will gross a fortune."
It Did: Pretty good, but below expectations.
I Did: So-so. It's made like 130-million, or something, so it's not a bomb, but I was thinking it would make more like 200-million, so I kinda fucked up. Still, 7 out of 8 ain't bad.
I Thought: There's a reason this thing performed below expectations: it was retarded. A bunch of Dinosaurs walk across the desert for like 75 minutes. Boy, I wonder how many minutes that script took to write.

Road Trip -
I Said: "Tom Green is pretty popular for doing stuff I've been doing for years, so it might [make money]."
It Did: Pretty good. I think it made like, some money. Maybe 60-million? I should really look this stuff up. I'm starting to think I don't need that dash between the number and the word "million." If you don't like it, hire me an editor. ThanXXX.
I Did: Good, but I was kind of being a puss by not really saying exactly what I thought it would do. What kind of shit is "it might make money?" That's sorta liking predicting who will be the next president by saying, "I'm sure it will be Bush or Gore."
I Thought: That I would go see it, cuz I hear there's a lot of boobs in it, but I decided not to, because I can see boobs in any number of magazines I have stashed in my closet.

Small Time Crooks -
I Said: "Dreamworks is putting it out, so there's a chance [it will make money]."
It Did: Pretty damn okay. It brought in like 17-million, which is a lot for a Woody Allen movie, and it also had Woody's biggest opening weekend ever. (Which means it made like $300.00, or something.)
I Did: Fairly good, but only because I knew Dreamworks would advertise the hell out of it.
I Thought: That it sucked big cock that it never came to any theater close to me, and I really, really wanted to see it. FUCK SHITTY SMALL TOWNS AND IDIOTIC THEATER OWNERS WITH SHIT FOR TASTE! (Sorry, had to rant.)

Mission Impossible 2 -
I Said: "[It will make] lots and lots and lots of money. I will remind anyone reading this that worked on Mission Impossible 2 that they can send a portion of the huge gobs of cash they receive to Alex Sandell @ PO Box 331 Alexandria MN 56308." No one ever sent me any "portions." That kind of pissed me off. Tom Cruise is a TIGHT-ASS. Gays rejoice!
It Did: Excellent. It's already topped 200-million. I have no idea WHY, but it did.
I Did: Excellent. I knew this would be a huge blockbuster, even if it did rip off James Bond and has doves flying around in slow-motion for no apparent reason.
I Thought: That it was a big rip off of James Bond with doves flying around in slow-motion for no apparent reason. It was okay, I guess, if you like doves.

Shanghai Noon -
I Said: "It'll make a little [money], but it will be below studio expectations."
It Did: About that. I think it's made somewhere around 60-70 million. That's a "little money" to the studios. Industry "Experts" thought this could easily top the 100-million mark.
I Did: Good. I was pretty much right on the money (pardon the pun) on this one. I looked at the hole in my speaker just now, got horny, and wished my dick was way smaller.
I Thought: That I'd rather fuck the hole in my speaker than watch another Jackie "Hey - he does his own stunts!" Chan movie.

Big Momma's House -
I Said: "Will it make money? Yep. There's an African-American drought from May 13th until June 1st, and this movie will quench a lot of black people's celluloid thirsts."
It Did: Quench a lot of black people's celluloid thirsts. Not to mention a lot of teenage white kids that wish they were black. Oh, and people that like fart jokes.
I Did: Groovy! I'm now at 12 for 13. Hey, at least I'm impressing myself, even if none of you give a shit. Stupid none of you shitting.
I Thought: That I was already sick of movies about cross-dressing men long before Mrs. Doubtfire came out.

Gone in 60 Seconds -
I Said: "It'll do alright, but won't be an earth shattering blockbuster, or anything."
It Did: Alright, but wasn't an earth shattering blockbuster, or anything. It's somewhere around 80-85 million right now. I really don't think I need all those damn dashes. Stupid dashes. D'oh!
I Did: Damn near perfect. I knew those rednecks and Jolie-heads would fill the seats to the tune of a minor hit.
I Thought: That nothing would be worse than seeing this movie.

Sunshine -
I Said: "Will it make money? No. We're used to quality films down here in America."
It Did: About as well as any pile of shit from Canada could do. Which means that it probably played a few colleges where people laughed at it and threw American flags at the screen.
I Did: Excellent. But, hey, it's from Canada. How hard is it to predict that a film from THERE will bomb?
I Thought: About seeing it, but realized Canada was a long way to drive to find a theater that was actually playing it.

Shaft -
I Said: "Hey, it's Shaft!"
It Did: Okay. About 60-million, at this point. If it didn't TOTALLY SUCK, it might have done a little bit better.
I Did: Kinda crappy. I thought this would do at least 100-million. You have to remember that, way back in May, when I did these predictions, I didn't know that this movie TOTALLY SUCKED and didn't even have any damn nookie!
I Thought: That it was the worst movie of the year, so far. It was SUCH a let-down. Shaft not gettin' any? If Shaft can't get some action, where does that leave all of us normal folks? What's next? James Bond as a Priest?

Titan A.E. -
I Said: "It'll bomb. The first week will do okay, cuz all the geeks will go, then it will drop fast."
It Did: BAD. It bombed like hell.
I Did: GOOD. A lot of people thought this thing was gonna be huge. Those people are looking for new jobs, now.
I Thought: That this looked bad a year ago, when it was advertised before The Phantom Menace.

Chicken Run -
I Said: "Will it make money? 50/50. It's hard to convince mainstream America to watch anything made out of clay, unless it's related to a green talking fag."
It Did: Pretty damn good. It's around 65-million, right now, and still going strong. It should probably hit 90-million, or maybe, if it's really lucky, break 100.
I Did: I was being a puss, again. What's this "50/50" crap? YOU CAN'T BE MAKING PREDICTIONS, UNLESS YOU'RE ACTUALLY PREDICTING SOMETHING, DUMB-ASS! My bad.
I Thought: It was pretty good, and definitely worth the price of a matinee. It could have (and should have) been better, though.

Me, Myself and Irene -
I Said: "Will it make money? Is Jim Carrey rich?"
It Did: Mediocre. It made money, so, technically, I was dead-on. It didn't make the amount of money it was expected to, though.
I Did: Good, I guess, but I feel guilty saying it.
I Thought: It never lived up to its potential, and the Farrelly brothers should go back to incest, and leave film behind.

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle -
I Said: "Will it make money? Do I ever hope not. I hope so much not that I will say the word fuck out of my butt. I just said it, but you couldn't hear me, because I am typing this. Sorry."
It Did: HORRIBLE! It'll leave the theaters with about 20-25 million dollars. The budget was around 80. Pathetic. Robert DeNiro is a stupid loser and I wish he would retire and then die and then burn in Hell.
I Did: I knew it would bomb, but I never really said that, so I guess I didn't do much of anything. I'm preparing myself for my Presidential run (YES! That update IS coming!!!), by avoiding giving direct answers, I guess.
I Thought: The parts with Rocky and Bullwinkle were kinda funny, but the rest of it blew. Some guy just sent me a message that said, "do you want daddy to play with your soft and wet monkey." What a fag.

The Patriot -
I Said: "Whether it's a hit, or not, depends on whether or not it's any damn good."
It Did: Pretty good, but below expectations. The Perfect Storm kicked its fucking ass, as I predicted it would.
I Did: The best I could do at avoiding giving direct answers, once again.
I Thought: That I'm not going to see some racist, watered-down, bullshit version of American history.

The Perfect Storm -
I Said: "Even though The Patriot is tough competition, I think that this one will prove to be the better movie, and will take in at least 100 million."
It Did: GREAT! It's already up to like 90-million, or something.
I Did: GREAT! Now, why haven't I made any of that 90-million?
I Thought: That it was really good, and I don't care if you don't like it. So what if the ending is sad? Is your life really so fucking Walt Disney??? (Then again, I always fall for movies about boats that might end up sinking. It's the morbid side of me, I guess. Moby Dick is my favorite book, ever. Seriously.)

Scary Movie -
I Said: "Will it make money? Probably enough to make 'Scarier Movie' and 'Scariest Movie Yet.'"
It Did: Pretty damn amazing on its first weekend. It's gonna take a huge drop, though. Still, with a 42-million debut, and the biggest R-rated debut in history, it's nothing to pass gas at.
I Did: Splendid. The first weekend alone made enough for them to pump out a "Scarier Movie" and, more likely than not, the next few weekends will bring in the cash to justify a "Scariest Movie Yet." I'm so clever. I should have a sculpture of my penis put on display in the "Clever Guy's Penis Sculptures" Museum in Northern Kentucky. Did you catch my witty "pump out" pun, up above? It was very funny.
I Thought: That, even though a kindergartener could have written it, its infectious fart, penis, scrotum, pubic hair and semen jokes were too fast and furious to not at least KIND OF enjoy.

Disney's The Kid -
I Said: "[It will make] a small enough wad of cash to keep Disney spewing out more crap just like it. Not a huge hit, but somewhere in the vicinity of 50-70 million."
It Did: Somewhere between 12-15 million its first weekend, which is okay. People that get paid for doing a far worse job than I do at making these predictions figure it will top out at around 50-70 million.
I Did: As good as can be done. You can't really get much closer than EXACT.
I Thought: That I'd wait for video, and then rent something else.

So I end up being off on only 2 of my predictions . . . out of twenty-four. Ready to bet on me? Summer's only half over. To see what I'm predicting for the rest of it, click here!

Email my ass, NOW!

Back to THE JUICY CEREBELLUM!