Profound Question/Thought of the Day for the Month of July

Another month down the drain, and still no rich guy offering me millions of dollars so he can buy out my site and put Bisquick ads on it. Oh well, there's always next month. As usual, I missed a few thoughts, but where would this site be without an absent-minded idiot running it?

July 2nd, 1997
If a person were to see Marilyn Monroe now, I bet she wouldn’t be quite as pretty.

July 3rd, 1997
If there's such a thing as reincarnation, I'd probably come back as a toilet. That would be pretty gross

July 4th, 1997
I betcha all the brewery owners across America celebrate the Fourth just a little more than the rest of us.

July 5th, 1997
I bet if people could remove their heads, I'd misplace mine and somebody would stomp on it. I couldn't update my page then. That would be pretty funny.

July 6th, 1997
If you swallowed down a whole bunch of valium with a ton of whiskey, you might feel kinda tired.

July 7th, 1997
Ugly people would look prettier if they weren't so damn ugly.

July 8th, 1997
When you actually think about it, the prizes found in the bottom of Cracker Jack boxes are pretty generic.

July 9th, 1997
If there really is life after death, does that mean I'm 'sposed to go kill myself next time somebody tells me to "get a life?"

July 10th, 1997
Beating the hell out of a midget, just because he's really short, would be a very unfriendly thing to do.

July 11th, 1997
You'd have to be pretty bored before giving yourself an enema, just for something to do.

July 12th, 1997
Right now, somewhere, someone is farting.

July 13th, 1997
Chess would be a lot more fun if the loser was allowed to beat the winner to death with a frozen pound of hamburger meat.

July 15th, 1997
Hey, if a self-proclaimed Christian, that claimed he or she lived their life for the Lord, ran around cheating on his or her girlfriend or boyfriend, with many various partners, and manipulated people by making up GIGANTIC stories, and blamed it all on being "insecure," even though they were one of the most secure people around, would they really be living their life for God? Somehow, I don't think so.

July 16th, 1997
That would be so hilarious, if somebody made a really bad joke, and then they keeled over and died.

July 17th, 1997
Harrison Ford has a crooked nose.

July 18th, 1997
If life is but a dream, does that mean it gets worse?

July 20th, 1997
If somebody hangs up the phone on you, after telling you to "go to Hell," you probably shouldn't call them back.

July 21st, 1997
When a midget's taking a crap, does that make him a "little pooper?"

July 22nd, 1997
Madonna would be better looking if she were Jewel.

July 23rd, 1997
I feel like shit.

July 24th, 1997
What a nice thing it would be, if everyone could just get along. I think Juicy survey number 3 could cause that to happen, so you should probably take it.

July 25th, 1997
If someone tells you that they "just can't take anymore," does that mean you should blow their head off?

July 26th, 1997
I was looking in the local paper, and suddenly I see a picture of my ex-girlfriend. She's the lead in some play. The article was titled something like "It's a Mutt's Life," and she plays a dog. I thought that was kind of funny

July 28th, 1997
Just my luck, everyone hops on a spaceship for a ride behind Hale-Bopp, and I'm in the bathroom taking a dump.

July 29th, 1997
I think it's comforting to know that, whenever you need a friend, there's always some fanatical cult out there somewhere, waiting with open-arms.

July 30th, 1997
Since a dog's sense of smell is like a million times better than a human's, and a dog loves the smell of crap, does that actually mean crap smells really good?

July 31st, 1997
The world wide web probably isn't as big of a deal, to a blind guy.

©1997 Alex Sandell [all thoughts reserved]. If you think these thoughts, without written permission from the author, your head will explode the next time you pee.

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