Profound Question/Thought/Wonderment of the Day for the Jiggly Month of June!
Written by:  Alex Sandell

This will be the LAST monthly collection of profound thoughts printed on this page.  From now on, if you want to see the thoughts, you're gonna have to check in three or four times a day.  How could you not?  This shit is classy comedy.  It is not to be missed.  If you do happen to miss a thought, don't complain to me, just bang your head against the wall three times and say a prayer that somehow relates to nipples.  I find that helps. 

June 1st, 2000
A guilty conscience is better than sticky fingers. 

June 1st, 2000
Sometimes girls vomit. 

June 1st, 2000
Golf would be better if you had to crash your cart into a brick wall to get a hole-in-one. 

June 2nd, 2000
Sometimes muscular guys smile because they're happy to be muscular. 

June 2nd, 2000
One time I was watching a Playboy video with friends and this black girl with gigantic boobs came on and I said, “ooh, chocolate biggies!”  I haven’t lived it down since. 

June 2nd, 2000
Tom Cruise looks like a geek in slow-motion. 

June 3rd, 2000
It would be cool if frisbees were naked women and you could fuck them. 

June 5th, 2000
What if God was just kidding? 

June 5th, 2000
I betcha I'll get kicked outta Heaven for forgetting to wear a tie. 

June 5th, 2000
Sometimes it gets to the point where, if someone doesn't get your point, you should start using a sharper knife. 

June 5th, 2000
Crazy people don't make for good psychologists. 

June 5th, 2000
Get a fucking grip, leave me alone, put down that bottle, and take care of your pot-smoking kids.

June 6th, 2000
I think the man on the moon would look better if he was a naked lady. 

June 6th, 2000
Certain teenage women are good for nothing but cum-guzzling and lying. 

June 6th, 2000
Alice Cooper sure is scary for an old guy in makeup.  Oh wait, uh . . . yeah. 

June 6th, 2000
It sucks when your fucking dog barks for 30 minutes straight at a squirrel, wakes your ass up to the point where you can't go back to sleep, and you have to write a stupid profound thought bitching about it. 

June 6th, 2000
Bad timing would be getting a videotape of all the Victoria Secret's ads ever aired, immediately upon having both of your hands amputated. 

June 7th, 2000
.99-cent cakes are usually priced that way for a reason.  I think I'm going to go puke now. 

June 7th, 2000
The whole “fucking the dead” thing would be a lot easier without that damn rigor mortis always setting in. 

June 7th, 2000
Sometimes I think life would be a whole lot better without all the living. 

June 8th, 2000
If a couple is deaf, do they still make noise during sex? 

June 8th, 2000
Microsoft . . . you LOSE!  And I'm sooooooooooo happy!  Don't you understand, you rich, monopolistic fuckers?  Goliath ALWAYS falls . . .  Always! 

June 8th, 2000
I wish I had a horse's dick. 

June 8th, 2000
If I could go back and change just ONE thing, it would be my underwear. 

June 9th, 2000
People with no legs kind of scare me. 

June 9th, 2000
Corn on cashier's toe not edible. 

June 9th, 2000
On Friday night I think liquor stores sell more beer because people can get drunk and throw up on their shoes without having to go to work with stinky shoes the next morning. 

June 10th, 2000
We need more handicapped people so we can fill up all of the empty parking spaces. 

June 10th, 2000
Shoving a string of Christmas tree lights up your ass prior to clenching your buttocks can only lead to pain. 

June 10th, 2000
If you pee in the toilet and then don't flush it for a week, it can get pretty smelly.

June 11th, 2000
Naked women behind curtains are sexy because they're naked and behind curtains.
 

June 11th, 2000
Graduating is a bit like ending your virginity:  it's fast, and never lives up to your expectations. 

June 11th, 2000
Everyone makes mistakes, that's why guns come with bullets. 

June 11th, 2000
Cats can be just as fun as dogs, if the dog is eating the cat. 

June 12th, 2000
If you are a guy and wear makeup people think you're a freak, but if you're a girl that doesn't wear makeup, people think you're a natural beauty.  Does that mean guys are always naturally beautiful, and most chicks are ugly? 

June 12th, 2000
I guess, in a freak show, that it would be the normal person that would be the freak. 

June 12th, 2000
Writing a profound thought when you have to pee really bad, and you're holding it, makes for a thought not so profound. 

June 13th, 2000
For some reason, woodticks like my balls. 

June 13th, 2000
If I hosted a show that was stupid, I would say, "hi, this show is stupid, and I'm the host.” 

June 13th, 2000
The most insanely boring film never made would have to be Being Al Gore

June 14th, 2000
Old hippies don't die, they just sing songs in bad television commercials. 

June 14th, 2000
The majority of geniuses apparently have trouble using a comb. 

June 14th, 2000
Sometimes when you lose something, it really didn't get lost; it just doesn't like you anymore. 

June 15th, 2000
If you wear a homemade T-Shirt that reads, "FUCK ME HARD . . ." on the front and reads, “I’M CHRISTIAN!" on the back, I can guarantee you that two security guards will escort you out of Alexandria's Viking Plaza Mall, even if you haven’t gotten your tarantula crickets yet. 

June 15th, 2000
The thing I hate about rectums is all the damn shit. 

June 15th, 2000
It’s the little imperfections in life that make a person perfect. 

June 15th, 2000
The only thing wrong with having an opinion is keeping it buried inside. 

June 15th, 2000
Sometimes I just wish pencils were shorter, so my penis would stop being jealous. 

June 16th, 2000
When a person tells you that they are Politically Correct, what they are trying to say is, "I'm really boring and I just might sue your ass if you say the wrong thing." 

June 16th, 2000
Sometimes, when millions of people help build somebody up, he seems to let most of them down, once he hits the top. 

June 16th, 2000
Fans are publicists that aren't getting paid. 

June 17th, 2000
Fat people on the beach aren't sunburned; they're blushing.

June 17th, 2000
Beds aren't meant to be peed in. 

June 17th, 2000
Parents that dress their kids up in KISS makeup are most likely white trash. 

June 18th, 2000
Babies wear diapers so they can crap in them. 

June 18th, 2000
Life cereal wouldn't sell as good if it was called Death and Mikey was a starving Ethiopian kid with one of those bloated stomachs and a cane. 

June 18th, 2000
If it's lonely on top, porn stars must be miserable. 

June 19th, 2000
Breasts aren't everything, unless they're really big. 

June 19th, 2000
"Overly" and "abundant," when combined, are my two favorite words. 

June 19th, 2000
Freddy VS Wicket, now that would be a good movie! 

June 20th, 2000
I think Britney Spears would have been better off today if she would have had her vocal chords removed at the same time she added those fake knockers. 

June 20th, 2000
I just wish people would turn into gigantic flowers that smell like feces and fly into the sun and burn up and become sunspots that look like Pamela Anderson. 

June 21st, 2000
Naked girls should get into food-fights more often. 

June 21st, 2000
Ihatewhenyourspacebarbreaksandyouhavetotypeprofoundthoughts,anyway.

June 23rd, 2000
"Mrs. Robinson" = attention grabbing, obsessive compulsive, immature brat.  Or, maybe that's just the Mrs. Robinson I know. 

June 23rd, 2000
Ugly people would be better looking if they weren't so damn ugly. 

June 23rd, 2000
That sucks when you wake up from a terrifying dream that your dog died, and your dog didn't really die, but your cat has a zit. 

June 23rd, 2000
Farting makes people, laugh, even though it's not funny; sort of like Jay Leno. 

June 24th, 2000
I think I sprained my soul. 

June 24th, 2000
That would suck to have a wink in your eye, and get it stuck there. 

June 25th, 2000
Come to think of it, I don't think fat people have smaller eyes, just bigger faces. 

June 25th, 2000
I guess if you talked on the phone for a long time, and your ear got infected, and you had to get it amputated, the person you were talking to would have talked your ear off. 

June 26th, 2000
If I had a menstrual cycle, I'd ride it to a bigger city, and get a better job.

June 26th, 2000
A toilet is like a chair that you can shit in. 

June 28th, 2000
I have to tinkle at Putt-Putt.

June 28th, 2000
Higher education was better when it was called an apprenticeship. 

June 28th, 2000
I’m sick of Elian. 

June 29th, 2000
Darva Conger is the devil. 

June 29th, 2000
Little Miss Muffet was a fucking pussy. 

June 30th, 2000
If people lived longer, they wouldn't be dead. 

June 30th, 2000
People that lie to avoid confrontation only to get in a worse confrontation when they are caught lying have a strange sense of logic. 

June 30th, 2000
Dreaming that you're in the class of 2001 and graduating with the kids from The Breakfast Club while watching a commencement address given by a zombie from Return of the Living Dead is kind of a weird thing to wake up to. 

June 30th, 2000
Movies might be more interesting this summer if they didn't all suck!

©2000 Alex Sandell [all rights reserved]. You may not copy this without my permission.  Copying this without my express permission will have you blushing on the beach so fucking hard you'll turn into a big ball of fire and BURN, BURN, BURN!

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