What my purpose is -- sit right back and you'll hear a tale . . .
About 40 years ago, a crew of bad actors, who are partially responsible for creating really terrible sitcoms, set sail on a fateful trip. One that was to last only three hours, but turned into an eternity of reruns, reunions, and now, the inevitable movie version. What most humans don't realize, is that the bad set of an Island that so many of us stared at, after school, for half-an-hour a day, is really Heaven. That a percentage of bad actors are actually "containers," or "vessels" carrying the key to the next level . . . the key to the great GILLIGAN'S ISLAND in the sky!
Only one member of this illustrious crew was allowed to represent God, and unfortunately, that honor was bestowed upon Gilligan, who forgot all about his mission, and just read his lines, making people laugh by getting hit in the head by the skipper's hat. Now, 40 years later, God has given me the message he gave Gilligan so long ago, and wants me to pass it on to all of you. (For only $99.95, you can have this message hand-written, by yours truly. If you're female, I'll write it out on your breasts for only $300.00. Of course, all proceeds will go into the "Gilligan's Gate" fund, and I won't allow myself to become aroused over your succulent, firm, bouncy breasts. Mmm . . . breeeeeeasts.)
The word from God was that that he isn't actually God at all, and that I am, and my Heaven lies on Gilligan's Island. Now, I am told I must allow some of you into my kingdom by the sea. But, I can only take those individuals who are willing to believe, and watch countless hours of Gilligan's Island, before killing themselves by jumping off a cruise ship, on February 14th, in the first year of the next Momentum of Gilligan.
What is the "Momentum of Gilligan," you ask? Good question, unfortunately, it's one that I can't answer, since I'm making this whole thing up. But, let's not think of it that way, let's think of it more along the lines of "it is whatever you want it to be, but more than you could ever want." Yeah, that sounds good.
To put it into a human timeframe, the Momentum of Gilligan occurs on February 14th, 2003. It is only an odd coincidence that it occurs on Valentine's Day, not just clever thinking on the part of the author of this page.
But, since I did pick Valentine's Day, I should probably make something up. Okay, it's on Valentine's Day because that's actually the day that Jesus Christ invented Hallmark. Hallmark cards are the only true way to express your emotions, and I just remembered, all of us who are about to kill ourselves on Momentum of Gilligan day, must be holding a Hallmark card in our left hand, while wearing a ring that says "poop."
This is my mission. This is why I am here. This is my purpose. Believe me, or your soul will become a gigantic cookie, and then thrown into the realm of the great Cookie Monster.
Why It Is Difficult To Believe or Accept Me
Because I'm lying.
All written material ©1997 God (or Alex Sandell, which is the name my mortal shell was given) [All Rights Reserved]. Copying this, without permission from God would be grounds for eternal damnation.