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What's So Wrong
Written by: Alex Sandell
In the glory days, known to some as the 1980s and pretty much all the decades and centuries before, the hair on a woman's crotch was shaped something like this:
For hundreds of years pussy hair was as American as Apple Pie and the human race carried on and it was good. Pathetic "poets" wrote putrid poetry with puerile refrains such as, "Order me up another slice of your pie." People talked of "going down on that chick's sweet Apple V" and we all knew what they meant. A slice of pie is shaped like a "V" and apple pie is a popular dessert that grandmas serve.
Then the 90s came around and Nirvana and all their PC Nirvana stuff had to go and ruin everything. They no longer wrote about slices of pie. They wrote about people not having guns and deodorant. Well, people had deodorant, but didn't have guns -- they were two different songs, it's not important. Women took notice and began shaving -- probably because they were bored without their guns, and everything. They shaved to the point where their pubic region looked something like an even thinner version of this already tiny runway:
This was very distracting to the male of the specie and those with penises had to change their sexist lingo in a hurry. No longer were men eating a woman's pie -- men were landing their "planes in that ho's hanger." Suddenly it sounds like we've all reverted back to the days of Fisher Price and Lincoln Logs.
What's so good about this weird feminine shaving? Seriously? I ended my virginity with a girl that had a bush so large that, if it were burning, it'd be all talking twattle with Moses in the Bible. I rubbed and rubbed and that bush was all thick and it got wetter as I pushed into it and I eventually came and never thought, "I sure wish that bush had been a narrow strip, instead."
Maybe I'm easy?
But this was prior to the 90s and Kurt Cobain not having a gun and meaning something other than "pubic hair" when singing about hanging out in a heart shaped box for weeks. Things had changed since I first became a man. Motley Crue fired Vince Neil and the only pie that fat bastard was ordering up was in a greasy spoon somewhere on Route 66.
But at least there was still some hair there. And hair is good. Really. Pubic hair is one of the best things ever grown anywhere in the world! Then corporate American swooped in and convinced every female that the only way she could get a man was to appear prepubescent. 2000 had arrived, Calvin Klein was all the rage and all men were supposedly pedophiles and all women were supposedly their victims.
So now a woman's bush looks like this:
Yes, as a matter of fact, that was a blank space where a photo wasn't meant to be. What would it be a photo of? No pubic hair, no photo. And what are we male folk supposed to say in locker rooms around the world? "I stuck it hard to her crotch-waddle?" It just doesn't work. Look at those Britney pictures for example. Or don't, if you want to have an appetite for the next month or two.
An appetite for things like pie. Big, messy, tasty, sticky apple pie. Women, consider this a free coupon. If your pussy is all natural, I'll eat it out as nature intended. I don't care if you're hot, not, skinny or fat. I care about hair. I want to see this trend reversed and if I have to lick a few extra clitoris to the point of orgasm, so be it. I will sacrifice for my art, but I won't lick a clit if I don't have to do some digging first.
Now grow some friggin' curly pubes!!! The kind that get tangled in my teeth and stick out of your bikini bottoms! Men want to feel like they're working to get to that holiest of holes. If you've already done all the work with a razor, we're just gonna think you're easy and wonder when you'll put that tattoo reading "respect" above your pubic region and add the other one reading "Insert Here" right next to your asshole.
I want ALL opinions! Fans of pubes or haters of hair email me!