For the past couple of months, various people from across the world have sent in questions they thought would be perfect for the next Juicy survey. I weeded through hundreds of questions and found 101 (hey, it's a catchy number) stupid, funny and dorky questions that were just tailor-made for The Juicy Cerebellum. Then, I went completely insane and decided to answer every single one of them. So, without further adieu (and they always said I did "poorly" with foreign languages), here is the end result. After weeks of delays, rescheduling and brain-constipation, it's the time when
Q: Do you like
furry puppies in your mouth?
A: Not unless they're dead.
Q: What is the
strangest device or animal that has ever been inserted into a
person?
A: Bob Dole's penis
Q: After you stick
your finger up your butthole, do you sniff it?
A: No, I usually order pizza.
Q: If someone were
to suddenly give you a brain, what would you do with it?
A: Put it into my butt and then order pizza.
Q: What small
mammal would you put in your pants?
A: A midget.
Q: What better
thing for the world could you be doing besides taking this
survey?
A: Kill yourself
Q: Do you think
these surveys are pointless?
A: Yeah but, so is sex, and everyone does that.
Q: Are you
right-brain or left-brain dead?
A: I wouldn't know, no one has given me a brain yet, and if they
did, it would be up my butt before I had a chance to check.
Q: Are you paranoid
of your neighbors?
A: Only when they threaten to kill me.
Q: Which do you
prefer in a snow-cone, the ice or the sweet juice?
A: When in doubt, always go for the juice.
Q: How many times
have you shot someone while singing "Whistle While You
Work?"
A: Only once, but it was my dad.
Q: What is the
strangest growth you've ever had on your penis?
A: My balls.
Q: Do you like
watching animated cartoons of women with big breasts?
A: Not as much as I like drawing them.
Q: Why can't I make
up my mind?
A: Because old folks having sex is just such an icky thing.
Q: How many times a
day do you jerk-off?
A: Less than a hundred.
Q: What word do you
most often yell out in your sleep?
A: Pimple.
Q: If you could,
would you suck your own penis?
A: Of course.
Q: Why do dogs turn
in a circle before going to sleep?
A: To check and see if I'm behind them.
Q: Do you
masturbate with stupid objects?
A: Not unless you count my last girlfriend.
Q: Do you prefer
grape Kool-Aid or Cherry Kool-Aid?
A: Grape rules.
Q: Why?
A: Because I said so.
Q: Have you ever
kept the toy you get in a Cracker Jacks box?
A: Only the dildo.
Q: What's the
difference between a duck?
A: Do you do lots of drugs?
Q: If you could
have two parts of your body switch places, what would you switch?
A: I'd put my rectum where my mouth is and ask you to kiss my
ass.
Q: How large is
your penis?
A: Depends on who's sucking on it.
Q: Do you fuck
yourself?
A: It won't quite reach.
Q: Is music good?
Better? Or THE BEST?
A: I'm confused.
Q: How long do you
wait to clip your toenails?
A: Once I'm picking my nose with them.
Q: Do you
frequently urinate in the sink, just to be different?
A: That's Government classified information.
Q: Love is?
A: Fictional.
Q: Why would anyone
voluntarily eat liver?
A: To get out of their larva stage.
Q: Who's your
favorite porn star?
A: Little Debbie.
Q: How many power
tools do you own?
A: Just the dildo I got in my box of Cracker Jacks.
Q: What would you
do if you got caught masturbating?
A: Ask the person who caught me if they'd like to join.
Q: Why is there
more than one McDonald's?
A: Gives the average citizen a better chance at having a
heart-attack before they reach their twenties.
Q: Why do people
that don't like sex masturbate profusely?
A: Because they don't like sex.
Q: What do you
think of silicone tits?
A: They're fun and bouncy, like a basketball.
Q: Why does higher
education suck?
A: Two words: pretentious hippies.
Q: Would you prefer
mutual masturbation over actual sex?
A: Well, then both parties would have a wetspot to sleep on,
which would solve the "who gets to sleep on the
wetspot" argument.
Q: What's your
definition of insane?
A: The Republican party.
Q: Have you ever
fooled mother nature?
A: No, I was too scared I'd get charged with sexual-harassment.
Q: Do you think
Yoda was a drag queen?
A: No.
Q: Did you ever
fantasize about Geena Davis?
A: Only about her funeral.
Q: Can you eat just
one Lay's Potato Chip?
A: I can't even get laid.
Q: Can you find the
Spam?
A: I wouldn't want to.
Q: Do you have more
than 3 fingers on each hand?
A: No, but I've seen somebody who does.
Q: Cream cheese
with Oreo's or bagels?
A: I prefer it with sex.
Q: What are you
wearing?
A: Nothing.
Q: Are the
"Spice Girls" Jesus reincarnated?
A: Only if he had a sex change and taught himself how to sing
real shitty songs.
Q: How long are
your arms?
A: It's not the size of your arms that count, it's how you use
them.
Q: Do you prefer
the word "rectum," or "anus?"
A: I seem to like "asshole."
Q: Have you ever
asked a donkey the way to Kalamazoo?
A: I don't really do acid.
Q: Have you ever
fantasized about Dennis Rodman?
A: No, he's done enough fantasizing over himself.
Q: Do you use your
left or right hand for masturbation?
A: Both, otherwise one of them starts feeling desperate.
Q: Have you ever
eaten any food in a supermarket before?
A: No, but I've peed in one.
Q: Why do hotdog
buns come in packages of 8 and wieners in packages of 10?
A: The buns are homophobic.
Q: Who was a better
captain, Picard, or Kirk?
A: Picard. Hair-pieces are for morons.
Q: Do you do the
Dew?
A: I used to, but my penis started getting chaffed.
Q: Is anyone really
satisfied with their lives?
A: No.
Q: How many
lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Trick question. Lesbians can't screw.
Q: When Mary
Poppins floated away, did you look up her skirt?
A: No, I was scared I'd get charged with sexual harassment.
Q: What do women
really want in a man?
A: A woman.
Q: What the fuck
are Cocoa Puffs?
A: A chocolate-flavored cereal that looks like a bunch of rabbit
turds.
Q: Have you ever
tried to kiss your own ass?
A: Yes, and I've had back problems ever since.
Q: What is the
meaning of life?
A: Tampons.
Q: What is the
worst survey question you've answered?
A: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
chuck wood.
Q: How many gallons
of shit is being in "deep shit?"
A: Depends on how tall you are.
Q: Toilet paper,
over or under?
A: Over, otherwise you sometimes get poop-smears on the wall.
Q: How often do you
say bullshit?
A: What kind of bullshit question was that?
Q: Can you walk and
chew gum at the same time?
A: Depends what I'm walking on.
Q: Do you love me?
A: Of course I do.
Q: What is the
coolest thing about living?
A: Dying.
Q: Which member of
"The Golden Girls" cast would you like to sleep with?
A: Have you considered therapy?
Q: What is that
smell?
A: Cat puke.
Q: Where am I?
A: Nowhere.
Q: Why are Juicy
surveys so U.S. oriented?
A: Because all the other countries are just so fucking boring.
Q: Have you had
your break today?
A: That's getting just a little too personal, buddy.
Q: Would you do it
with a 90-year-old man for 40 million dollars?
A: Who wouldn't?
Q: Would you let
the Trix rabbit have any Trix?
A: I may let him perform Trix, I don't think he could
have any, though.
Q: Was this survey
a complete waste of your time?
A: I never took the damn thing.
Q: Have you ever
taken it up the butt?
A: I had a doctor's finger up there once.
Q: Did Wonder Woman
have breast implants?
A: No, but those gold things on her wrist weren't made out of
real gold.
Q: How many donuts
would a dead dog devour if a dead dog could devour donuts?
A: Next question.
Q: Who is better,
Count Chocula, or Frankenberry?
A: Count Chocula, Frankenberry is a fucking pansy.
Q: What is more
fun, scratching yourself, or picking your nose?
A: Scratching yourself after picking your nose.
Q: Should
"Free Willy" be legalized?
A: Yes. Total morons need something to entertain them.
Q: Have you ever
fell off the floor?
A: I'm telling you, I just don't do acid.
Q: Do you prefer to
spank, or be spanked?
A: Actually, I kinda like licking.
Q: Do you think
Satan has a sense of humor?
A: Only if he's English.
Q: So, you think
your mom loves you . . . really?
A: Somehow I doubt it.
Q: Do you think
this survey sucks?
A: Not as bad as your retarted question.
Q: Who the hell are
you?
A: I'm Batman.
Q: What is the most
sensible thing to do with a used condom?
A: Freeze it and enjoy a condom-pop the next day.
Q: Do you actually
do this by choice?
A: No, I was born this way.
Q: Do you ever
fantasize over the owner of this page?
A: Only when I'm in front of a mirror.
Q: Do you ever
fantasize over having sweet, passionate anal-sex with Bob Dole?
A: No, but my friend Matt does.
Q: Do you feel that
a human head on a stick is an appropriate substitute for a
nighttime ardvaarking partner?
A: So THERE'S where all the acid I don't do went.
Q: What is your
favorite pork product?
A: The feet.
Q: Would you rather
eat SPAM or your mother out?
A: That question was just . . . wrong.
Q: Do you shave
your pubic hairs?
A: Only when I'm dining out.
Q: Do you spend too
much time answering stupid questions?
A: Definitely.
Got anything to say? Questions? Comments? Letters of looooove? Words of wisdom? Pointless crap? Send it all to alex@juicycerebellum.com