For the past couple of months, various people from across the world have sent in questions they thought would be perfect for the next Juicy survey. I weeded through hundreds of questions and found 101 (hey, it's a catchy number) stupid, funny and dorky questions that were just tailor-made for The Juicy Cerebellum. Then, I went completely insane and decided to answer every single one of them. So, without further adieu (and they always said I did "poorly" with foreign languages), here is the end result. After weeks of delays, rescheduling and brain-constipation, it's the time when

Q: Do you like furry puppies in your mouth?
A: Not unless they're dead.

Q: What is the strangest device or animal that has ever been inserted into a person?
A: Bob Dole's penis

Q: After you stick your finger up your butthole, do you sniff it?
A: No, I usually order pizza.

Q: If someone were to suddenly give you a brain, what would you do with it?
A: Put it into my butt and then order pizza.

Q: What small mammal would you put in your pants?
A: A midget.

Q: What better thing for the world could you be doing besides taking this survey?
A: Kill yourself

Q: Do you think these surveys are pointless?
A: Yeah but, so is sex, and everyone does that.

Q: Are you right-brain or left-brain dead?
A: I wouldn't know, no one has given me a brain yet, and if they did, it would be up my butt before I had a chance to check.

Q: Are you paranoid of your neighbors?
A: Only when they threaten to kill me.

Q: Which do you prefer in a snow-cone, the ice or the sweet juice?
A: When in doubt, always go for the juice.

Q: How many times have you shot someone while singing "Whistle While You Work?"
A: Only once, but it was my dad.

Q: What is the strangest growth you've ever had on your penis?
A: My balls.

Q: Do you like watching animated cartoons of women with big breasts?
A: Not as much as I like drawing them.

Q: Why can't I make up my mind?
A: Because old folks having sex is just such an icky thing.

Q: How many times a day do you jerk-off?
A: Less than a hundred.

Q: What word do you most often yell out in your sleep?
A: Pimple.

Q: If you could, would you suck your own penis?
A: Of course.

Q: Why do dogs turn in a circle before going to sleep?
A: To check and see if I'm behind them.

Q: Do you masturbate with stupid objects?
A: Not unless you count my last girlfriend.

Q: Do you prefer grape Kool-Aid or Cherry Kool-Aid?
A: Grape rules.

Q: Why?
A: Because I said so.

Q: Have you ever kept the toy you get in a Cracker Jacks box?
A: Only the dildo.

Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: Do you do lots of drugs?

Q: If you could have two parts of your body switch places, what would you switch?
A: I'd put my rectum where my mouth is and ask you to kiss my ass.

Q: How large is your penis?
A: Depends on who's sucking on it.

Q: Do you fuck yourself?
A: It won't quite reach.

Q: Is music good? Better? Or THE BEST?
A: I'm confused.

Q: How long do you wait to clip your toenails?
A: Once I'm picking my nose with them.

Q: Do you frequently urinate in the sink, just to be different?
A: That's Government classified information.

Q: Love is?
A: Fictional.

Q: Why would anyone voluntarily eat liver?
A: To get out of their larva stage.

Q: Who's your favorite porn star?
A: Little Debbie.

Q: How many power tools do you own?
A: Just the dildo I got in my box of Cracker Jacks.

Q: What would you do if you got caught masturbating?
A: Ask the person who caught me if they'd like to join.

Q: Why is there more than one McDonald's?
A: Gives the average citizen a better chance at having a heart-attack before they reach their twenties.

Q: Why do people that don't like sex masturbate profusely?
A: Because they don't like sex.

Q: What do you think of silicone tits?
A: They're fun and bouncy, like a basketball.

Q: Why does higher education suck?
A: Two words: pretentious hippies.

Q: Would you prefer mutual masturbation over actual sex?
A: Well, then both parties would have a wetspot to sleep on, which would solve the "who gets to sleep on the wetspot" argument.

Q: What's your definition of insane?
A: The Republican party.

Q: Have you ever fooled mother nature?
A: No, I was too scared I'd get charged with sexual-harassment.

Q: Do you think Yoda was a drag queen?
A: No.

Q: Did you ever fantasize about Geena Davis?
A: Only about her funeral.

Q: Can you eat just one Lay's Potato Chip?
A: I can't even get laid.

Q: Can you find the Spam?
A: I wouldn't want to.

Q: Do you have more than 3 fingers on each hand?
A: No, but I've seen somebody who does.

Q: Cream cheese with Oreo's or bagels?
A: I prefer it with sex.

Q: What are you wearing?
A: Nothing.

Q: Are the "Spice Girls" Jesus reincarnated?
A: Only if he had a sex change and taught himself how to sing real shitty songs.

Q: How long are your arms?
A: It's not the size of your arms that count, it's how you use them.

Q: Do you prefer the word "rectum," or "anus?"
A: I seem to like "asshole."

Q: Have you ever asked a donkey the way to Kalamazoo?
A: I don't really do acid.

Q: Have you ever fantasized about Dennis Rodman?
A: No, he's done enough fantasizing over himself.

Q: Do you use your left or right hand for masturbation?
A: Both, otherwise one of them starts feeling desperate.

Q: Have you ever eaten any food in a supermarket before?
A: No, but I've peed in one.

Q: Why do hotdog buns come in packages of 8 and wieners in packages of 10?
A: The buns are homophobic.

Q: Who was a better captain, Picard, or Kirk?
A: Picard. Hair-pieces are for morons.

Q: Do you do the Dew?
A: I used to, but my penis started getting chaffed.

Q: Is anyone really satisfied with their lives?
A: No.

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Trick question. Lesbians can't screw.

Q: When Mary Poppins floated away, did you look up her skirt?
A: No, I was scared I'd get charged with sexual harassment.

Q: What do women really want in a man?
A: A woman.

Q: What the fuck are Cocoa Puffs?
A: A chocolate-flavored cereal that looks like a bunch of rabbit turds.

Q: Have you ever tried to kiss your own ass?
A: Yes, and I've had back problems ever since.

Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Tampons.

Q: What is the worst survey question you've answered?
A: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Q: How many gallons of shit is being in "deep shit?"
A: Depends on how tall you are.

Q: Toilet paper, over or under?
A: Over, otherwise you sometimes get poop-smears on the wall.

Q: How often do you say bullshit?
A: What kind of bullshit question was that?

Q: Can you walk and chew gum at the same time?
A: Depends what I'm walking on.

Q: Do you love me?
A: Of course I do.

Q: What is the coolest thing about living?
A: Dying.

Q: Which member of "The Golden Girls" cast would you like to sleep with?
A: Have you considered therapy?

Q: What is that smell?
A: Cat puke.

Q: Where am I?
A: Nowhere.

Q: Why are Juicy surveys so U.S. oriented?
A: Because all the other countries are just so fucking boring.

Q: Have you had your break today?
A: That's getting just a little too personal, buddy.

Q: Would you do it with a 90-year-old man for 40 million dollars?
A: Who wouldn't?

Q: Would you let the Trix rabbit have any Trix?
A: I may let him perform Trix, I don't think he could have any, though.

Q: Was this survey a complete waste of your time?
A: I never took the damn thing.

Q: Have you ever taken it up the butt?
A: I had a doctor's finger up there once.

Q: Did Wonder Woman have breast implants?
A: No, but those gold things on her wrist weren't made out of real gold.

Q: How many donuts would a dead dog devour if a dead dog could devour donuts?
A: Next question.

Q: Who is better, Count Chocula, or Frankenberry?
A: Count Chocula, Frankenberry is a fucking pansy.

Q: What is more fun, scratching yourself, or picking your nose?
A: Scratching yourself after picking your nose.

Q: Should "Free Willy" be legalized?
A: Yes. Total morons need something to entertain them.

Q: Have you ever fell off the floor?
A: I'm telling you, I just don't do acid.

Q: Do you prefer to spank, or be spanked?
A: Actually, I kinda like licking.

Q: Do you think Satan has a sense of humor?
A: Only if he's English.

Q: So, you think your mom loves you . . . really?
A: Somehow I doubt it.

Q: Do you think this survey sucks?
A: Not as bad as your retarted question.

Q: Who the hell are you?
A: I'm Batman.

Q: What is the most sensible thing to do with a used condom?
A: Freeze it and enjoy a condom-pop the next day.

Q: Do you actually do this by choice?
A: No, I was born this way.

Q: Do you ever fantasize over the owner of this page?
A: Only when I'm in front of a mirror.

Q: Do you ever fantasize over having sweet, passionate anal-sex with Bob Dole?
A: No, but my friend Matt does.

Q: Do you feel that a human head on a stick is an appropriate substitute for a nighttime ardvaarking partner?
A: So THERE'S where all the acid I don't do went.

Q: What is your favorite pork product?
A: The feet.

Q: Would you rather eat SPAM or your mother out?
A: That question was just . . . wrong.

Q: Do you shave your pubic hairs?
A: Only when I'm dining out.

Q: Do you spend too much time answering stupid questions?
A: Definitely.

Got anything to say? Questions? Comments? Letters of looooove? Words of wisdom? Pointless crap? Send it all to alex@juicycerebellum.com 

Boy, this was just downright derogatory and offensive. Who do you think you are, anyway? Send me back to the Table of Brains, NOW!