Written by:  Alex Sandell

Q: What are you like in person?
A rabid dog with a good sense of humor.

Q:  Are you going to vote in the upcoming presidential election?
A:  Yes.

Q:  Who will you be voting for in the upcoming presidential election?
A:  Myself, just like a lot of you will be doing.  You'll read all about that in an upcoming update.  (Ooh . . . a "plug.")

Q:  Would you like to partake in a controversial scheme to start a second cold war (possibly with China) in order to frame Texas in order to have the opposition nuke the Lone-Star state?
A:  I'd be interested if I wasn't already spending all my time partaking in a controversial scheme to dig up the corpse of Leonard "Bones" McCoy MD, of the original Star Trek, to bring him back as Captain "Bones" McCoy, in a new Star Trek series which, while holding true to the spirit of the original Trek, is actually an elaborate plan to have Trekkies raid a fat-farm and kill off Richard Simmons.   

Q:  Why do you think the split-up of Microsoft was a good decision?  
A:  Because they violated the Sherman Antitrust Act.  "Every person who shall monopolize, or attempt to monopolize, or combine or conspire with any other person or persons, to monopolize any part of the trade or commerce among the several States, or with foreign nations, shall be deemed guilty of a felony, and, on conviction thereof, shall be punished by fine not exceeding $10,000,000 if a corporation, or, if any other person, $350,000, or by imprisonment not exceeding three years, or by both said punishments, in the discretion of the court."  Another part of the good ol' Sherman Act is going to be the one that brings down the self-proclaimed 'net-police, and arch-nemesis of The Juicy Cerebellum, MAPS-RBL.

Q:  Why were your last two answers so lengthy?
A:  Oh, come on, I just made that question up.

Q:  Do teenage males REALLY jack each other off? 
A:  Only if they're under 20.

Q:  On Buffy, is it just me, or did they make Spike a fucking wimp?
A:  Hey, they kind of had to, how else would they make yet another lovable vampire spin-off?

Q:  Where do you keep your web page?
A:  In an empty box of condoms right by my space heater, which I hide under the flammable carpet.

Q:  Have you picked your nose lately?
A:  No, I'm fairly content with the one that I've got.

Q:  How often do you scratch your butt?
A:  Only when the pool stick misses the ball and hits the skin.

Q:  Where did you come up with the name The Juicy Cerebellum?
A:  I think it was in my parent's basement.

Q:  What is the most disgusting thing you have ever done?
A:  My ex-wife.

Q:  Where does one find email lists if one wants to spam?
A:  I'm not sure.  You'll have to ask him.

Q:  If I were on a train, traveling at the speed of light, and you were riding in a Greyhound bus going 2 mph, how long would it take the average penis-bearing human to reject sex from Meryl Streep??
A:  32 seconds less than it would take the average vagina-bearing human, traveling at the speed of sound, on a Gillette Mach 3 razor blade, to decide they're "bisexual" and make out with Mary Bono.

Q:  Do you think the death penalty is a joke?
A:  No, only the arguments that "support" it.

Q:  How big are your breasts?
A:  I'm afraid.

Q:  If I ask you a question, are you just going to answer it with a sarcastic comment?
A:  No, that would not be consistent with my serious, straight-forward approach to these sort of things.

Q:  Do you believe the American Dream is alive and well today?
A:  You mean the one with the burned old man, the red and green sweater, and razors for fingers?

Q:  Can you hook me up with Mary J. Blige?
A:  Provided you have the hooks.

Q:  Am I pathetic because I want to be part of your page so badly that I would literally suck on your dick if you would answer this question?
A:  Not as pathetic as I am, answering this question, in hopes that my dick will get sucked on.

Q:  Should marijuana be legalized?
A:  As long as they make the Grateful Dead illegal, in exchange.

Q:  Don't you ever get tired of people who have no sense of humor whatsoever?
A:  No, they make me laugh.

Q:  What do you do when you're not working on your page?
A:  Sit and brood.  Sometimes I sit and brood with friends who like sitting, while watching me brood.  Occasionally I pace.

Q:  Why aren't you a millionaire?
A:  Because I'm $999,999.99 dollars short. 

Q:  Are you a morning person?
A:  Only if I'm still awake.

Q:  Do you think you'll ever find the perfect mate?
A:  I don't play Chess, anymore.

Q:  Will you go out with me?
A:  Where?

Q:  Do you have a bad temper?
A:  Only when things don't go exactly as they are supposed to, and life is less than perfect.

Q:  What scares you more than anything?
A:  Everything.

Q:  Did you ever wear braces and get gum stuck in them and then get mad and kill your mom?
A:  No, but one time a frog jumped into my windshield and my girlfriend thought that I farted.

Q:  Do you think humans are bad or good overall?
A:  Yes.

Q:  Do you think you could drink me under the table?
A:  Not unless you came in liquid form.

Q:  Would you ever accept advertising from Microsoft on The Juicy Cerebellum?
A:  Not unless it was for their "Going Out of Business" sale.

Q:  Do you ever laugh at your own stuff?
A:  No.  I don't enjoy my sense of humor.

Q:  What's your best childhood memory?
A:  Sitting in the fruit cellar at my old  house with my brother, my cousin, and this 13-year-old female friend of mine (I was 11, at the time), and playing "truth or dare."  I was dared to touch the 13-year-old's breasts, and she chased me around the room, until she finally backed me into a corner and placed both of my hands upon her budding boobs.  They were so soft.  It was ecstasy. 

Q:  What's your worst childhood memory?
A:  Thinking I got herpes from touching the 13-year-old's breasts, the next day.  I had to quiz my mom on the disease, without giving away the "evil" thing I had done in the basement.  "Can you get herpes from shaking hands?" I asked her.  "No."  "From hugging?" I inquired.  "No, not from hugging."  "Well, uh . . ." I stuttered through the next question, "um, how about, uh, if, um, maybe like, if you touched tits?"  "No," my mom said.  "Alex!  Did you touch Angela's breasts?!?"  Yet another week of being grounded.

Q:  Do you like chickens or beavers better?
A:  Probably chickens, because the moist center doesn't smell quite as bad.

Q:  How many women give you pictures of their hooters every month?
A:  Probably 1 a month.  I'm hoping to raise that number by leaps and bounds, through a new technique I've developed that I call the "get a girl so drunk she will do stupid things that she can't take back in the morning technique".  I can't believe no man thought of this before.  I'm sure it'll catch on like wildfire.

Q:  How can rappers call what they do music?
A:  They can't.  "Music" doesn't rhyme with anything.

Q:  Why do dogs resemble their owners?
A:  Years and years of

Q:  Do you think you could steal my girlfriend away?
A:  Only if she was small enough to shove under my shirt.

Q:  Are you really so hot that chicks tattoo your name on their breasts?
A:  I'll let my EX, who has now went all obsessive and won't leave me alone, say it through an email she sent me yesterday, "having a physical closeness with you - was an amazing experience.  To say 'you turn me on' is to trivialize it - you managed to evoke an emotional, mental and physical response from me that I have never felt before.  You are simply the best - to put it bluntly."  (Never toot your own horn.  Let somebody else toot it for you.)

Q:  Why do you think Boo-Berry Cereal is so hard to find these days?
A:  Because ghosts are real good at disappearing.

Q:  How many peckers could a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker could peck peckers?
A:  It depends on a woodpecker's natural pecking order.  (Hey - YOU try answering 101 of these damn things.)

Q:  Do you have blood guts and pussy on CD?
A:  No, I only have it on tape.  It's got a couple extra songs, though.  

Q:  Why cant I teach my computer to swim?
A:  Because it's having enough trouble running.

Q:  Will technology be the downfall of humanity?
A:  No, money will.  And maybe Pokemon.

Q:  What do you have against the right to bare arms, anyway?
A:  It makes legs feel inferior.

Q:  Would you be interested in having sex with an 800-pound female gorilla if she had really big tits?
A:  I think I already have.  We're divorced now, though.

Q:  Are elephants monotheistic?
A:  Big words about God frighten me.

Q:  2?
A:  Sorry, I'm not good with numbers.

Q:  Why are Canadians so obsessed with the USA?
A:  It doesn't have a 900-year-old queen, that's really a robot with skin that's preserved in a basement in England with numerous pickles, and its president gets impeached for getting a blowjob.  

Q:  Do you think the Government should pay for sex changes?
A:  If it means our president will be impeached for getting eaten out.

Q:  Should I declare bankruptcy?
A:  Only if you can afford to.

Q:  Can you explain why, while walking with my black wife in Miami, I was shot at?
A:  I was jealous that you were married.

Q:  Why did you say that Ticketmaster is the most evil company in the world?  I thought Microsoft was.
A:  It was.  The Government just put an end to that.  Now it's the second most evil company in the world, after Ticketmaster.  And Bill Gates thought his stocks dropping was the worst of it.  Now he's fallen to second in the "evil company" roster.  What a bummer.

Q:  How can parents abuse their kids?
A:  With their fists.  Household items.  Razor blades.  Chainsaws.  Knives.  Whips.  Words.  Actions.  

Q:  What would happen if you took an entire bottle of aspirin?
A:  I'd feel guilty and bring it back.

Q:  What's Taboo to you?
A:  This one board game I see at Target that I think about buying, but never have enough money for.

Q:  If you only had one tooth, what would you do with it?
A:  Floss.

Q:  How do you come up with so many ideas for updates?
A:  I steal them from Jay Leno.

Q:  Bologna or bacon?
A:  Barbecued ribs.  

Q:  If you had to get into a kickboxing match with anybody, who would it be?
A:  Christopher Reeves.

Q:  Why doesn't Barbie have nipples?
A:  For the same reason Mr. Potato Head doesn't come with a dick.

Q:  Do you like the new dollar coin?
A:  No.  The girl should have been topless.  

Q:  Do you think about anything other than sex?
A:  Foreplay.  

Q:  Why do they call zits "whiteheads?"
A:  Because calling them "redskins" didn't go over well with a lot of Midwestern casino owners.

Q:  If you could remove one word from the dictionary, what would it be?
A:  Feminist.  

Q:  Do you think Walt Disney cartoons unfairly avoid retards?
A:  Haven't you ever seen any of the sidekicks? 

Q:  What's the greatest gift you ever received?
A:  Spread legs and a willing vagina.

Q:  Do you like the innocent cute look on a girl or the nasty lace and leather look better?
A:  I like the lace and leather hidden beneath a cute dress.

Q:  Have you ever got crapped on?
A:  Only by collection agencies.

Q:  What's your favorite fast food?
A:  Cheetah.

Q:  What do you think is George Lucas's greatest accomplishment in the last 15 years?
A:  Getting fat.

Q:  Do you think marrying a man for money is wrong?
A:  Only if he expects sex from me.

Q:  Quick!  Look at your wall.  What do you see?
A:  My wall.

Q:  Why do you choose "101" questions?
A:  It's the biggest number I can count to.

Q:  Do those obvious Playboy type implants actually fool you?
A:  Yes, they fool me into buying their owner gifts, taking her to dinner, bending to her will and proposing.

Q:  Do guys in tight shorts turn you on?
A:  Only if they're frayed.  

Q:  Are you gay?
A:  No, but if I was, would I turn you on by wearing tight shorts?

Q:  What's your reaction to elephantitis of the nuts?
A:  Jealousy.

Q:  What's the least amount of money you'd have sex with a stranger for?
A:  $0.00 dollars.

Q:  Where did you get your taste in music?
A:  I pulled it out of my fucking ass and licked it.  How the hell can a person answer a question like that?  The only thing worse would be if you were to ask me what the color red looks like.

Q:  What does the color red look like?

Q:  Why don't you ever answer my questions with an answer that actually means something?
A:  Because.

Q:  Do you think you'll get rich off of The Juicy Cerebellum?
A:  No, but, if I play my cards right, I just might get Sally.

Q:  Have you ever noticed that when beer foams over the top of a mug it looks like a mushroom cloud?
A:  No, have you ever noticed that when someone begins noticing that beer foaming over the top of a mug looks like a mushroom cloud, they end up attending their first "meeting" about 2 days later?

Q:  If you could live in one moment of time for all of eternity, what would it be?
A:  The time that my great-grandfather held me in his arms, when I was just a baby, and I laughed so hard.  It left us both with a feeling that this whole mess was actually magic.

Q:  Why are you so self-deprecating when you're such an amazing person?
A:  I like it best when women are naked sailors and their buttocks are pink with passion.

Q:  Whose reviews do you like better between Siskel or Ebert?
A:  I think Siskel's "no comment" type reviews, over the past couple of years, have shown an amazing amount of self-restraint.

Q:  Would you go queer if guys had tits?
A:  I probably would, if it wasn't for those meddling cocks.  

Q:  What's the best description for boobs you can come up with in under 3 words?
A:  "Pleasure chests."

Q:  Do you wish you could take it all back?
A:  Not really, I just wish "it" would stop coming so fast and so hard.  

Q:  Why is Miss Piggy such a bitch?
A:  Because Kermit the Frog is a control freak.

Q:  How old are you?
A:  Young enough to date an 18-year-old girl and not old enough to be her father.

Q:  Do you think you'll actually get to 101 questions?
A:  There's no doubt about it.

Questions (like I haven't gotten enough)?  Comments?  I thrive on feedback.  Send email, keep Juicy alive!

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2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this without my permission and, ah - fuck it, I'm not getting paid enough to think up "witty" copyright notices.