Written by: Alex Sandell
Written by:
Alex Sandell
Q: What are you like
in person?
A: A rabid dog with a good
sense of humor.
Q: Are you
going to vote in the upcoming presidential election?
A: Yes.
Q: Who will you
be voting for in the upcoming presidential election?
A: Myself, just like a lot of you will be doing. You'll read all
about that in an upcoming update. (Ooh . . . a "plug.")
Q: Would you
like to partake in a controversial scheme to start a second cold war (possibly
with China) in order to frame Texas in order to have the opposition nuke the
Lone-Star state?
A: I'd be interested if I wasn't already spending all my time partaking in
a controversial scheme to dig up the corpse of Leonard "Bones" McCoy
MD, of the original Star Trek, to bring him back as Captain
"Bones" McCoy, in a new Star Trek series which, while holding
true to the spirit of the original Trek, is actually an elaborate plan to
have Trekkies raid a fat-farm and kill off Richard Simmons.
Q: Why do you
think the split-up of Microsoft was a good decision?
A: Because they violated the Sherman Antitrust Act. "Every
person who shall monopolize, or attempt to monopolize, or combine or conspire
with any other person or persons, to monopolize any part of the trade or
commerce among the several States, or with foreign nations, shall be deemed
guilty of a felony, and, on conviction thereof, shall be punished by fine not
exceeding $10,000,000 if a corporation, or, if any other person, $350,000, or by
imprisonment not exceeding three years, or by both said punishments, in the
discretion of the court." Another part of the good ol' Sherman Act is
going to be the one that brings down the self-proclaimed 'net-police, and
arch-nemesis of The Juicy Cerebellum, MAPS-RBL.
Q: Why were
your last two answers so lengthy?
A: Oh, come on, I just made that question up.
Q: Do teenage
males REALLY jack each other off?
A: Only if they're under 20.
Q: On Buffy,
is it just me, or did they make Spike a fucking wimp?
A: Hey, they kind of had to, how else would they make yet another lovable
vampire spin-off?
Q: Where do you
keep your web page?
A: In an empty box of condoms right by my space heater, which I hide under
the flammable carpet.
Q: Have you
picked your nose lately?
A: No, I'm fairly content with the one that I've got.
Q: How often do
you scratch your butt?
A: Only when the pool stick misses the ball and hits the skin.
Q: Where did
you come up with the name The Juicy Cerebellum?
A: I think it was in my parent's basement.
Q: What is the
most disgusting thing you have ever done?
A: My ex-wife.
Q: Where does
one find email lists if one wants to spam?
A: I'm not sure. You'll have to ask him.
Q: If I were on
a train, traveling at the speed of light, and you were riding in a Greyhound bus
going 2 mph, how long would it take the average penis-bearing human to reject
sex from Meryl Streep??
A: 32 seconds less than it would take the average vagina-bearing human,
traveling at the speed of sound, on a Gillette Mach 3 razor blade, to decide
they're "bisexual" and make out with Mary Bono.
Q: Do you think
the death penalty is a joke?
A: No, only the arguments that "support" it.
Q: How big are
your breasts?
A: I'm afraid.
Q: If I ask you
a question, are you just going to answer it with a sarcastic
comment?
A: No, that would not be consistent with my serious, straight-forward
approach to these sort of things.
Q: Do you
believe the American Dream is alive and well today?
A: You mean the one with the burned old man, the red and green sweater,
and razors for fingers?
Q: Can you hook
me up with Mary J. Blige?
A: Provided you have the hooks.
Q: Am I
pathetic because I want to be part of your page so badly that I would literally
suck on your dick if you would answer this question?
A: Not as pathetic as I am, answering this question, in hopes that my dick
will get sucked on.
Q: Should
marijuana be legalized?
A: As long as they make the Grateful Dead illegal, in exchange.
Q: Don't you
ever get tired of people who have no sense of humor whatsoever?
A: No, they make me laugh.
Q: What do you
do when you're not working on your page?
A: Sit and brood. Sometimes I sit and brood with friends who like
sitting, while watching me brood. Occasionally I pace.
Q: Why aren't
you a millionaire?
A: Because I'm $999,999.99 dollars short.
Q: Are you a
morning person?
A: Only if I'm still awake.
Q: Do you think
you'll ever find the perfect mate?
A: I don't play Chess, anymore.
Q: Will you go
out with me?
A: Where?
Q: Do you have
a bad temper?
A: Only when things don't go exactly as they are supposed to, and life is
less than perfect.
Q: What scares
you more than anything?
A: Everything.
Q: Did you ever
wear braces and get gum stuck in them and then get mad and kill your mom?
A: No, but one time a frog jumped into my windshield and my girlfriend
thought that I farted.
Q: Do you think
humans are bad or good overall?
A: Yes.
Q: Do you think
you could drink me under the table?
A: Not unless you came in liquid form.
Q: Would you
ever accept advertising from Microsoft on The Juicy Cerebellum?
A: Not unless it was for their "Going Out of Business" sale.
Q: Do you ever
laugh at your own stuff?
A: No. I don't enjoy my sense of humor.
Q: What's your
best childhood memory?
A: Sitting in the fruit cellar at my old house with my brother, my
cousin, and this 13-year-old female friend of mine (I was 11, at the time), and
playing "truth or dare." I was dared to touch the 13-year-old's
breasts, and she chased me around the room, until she finally backed me into a
corner and placed both of my hands upon her budding boobs. They were so
soft. It was ecstasy.
Q: What's your
worst childhood memory?
A: Thinking I got herpes from touching the 13-year-old's breasts, the next
day. I had to quiz my mom on the disease, without giving away the
"evil" thing I had done in the basement. "Can you get
herpes from shaking hands?" I asked her. "No."
"From hugging?" I inquired. "No, not from
hugging." "Well, uh . . ." I stuttered through the next
question, "um, how about, uh, if, um, maybe like, if you touched tits?" "No," my mom said. "Alex! Did you
touch Angela's breasts?!?" Yet another week of being grounded.
Q: Do you like
chickens or beavers better?
A: Probably chickens, because the moist center doesn't smell quite as bad.
Q: How many
women give you pictures of their hooters every month?
A: Probably 1 a month. I'm hoping to raise that number by leaps and
bounds, through a new technique I've developed that I call the "get a girl
so drunk she will do stupid things that she can't take back in the morning
technique". I can't believe no man thought of this before. I'm
sure it'll catch on like wildfire.
Q: How can
rappers call what they do music?
A: They can't. "Music" doesn't rhyme with anything.
Q: Why do dogs
resemble their owners?
A: Years and years of bestiality.
Q: Do you think
you could steal my girlfriend away?
A: Only if she was small enough to shove under my shirt.
Q: Are you
really so hot that chicks tattoo your name on their breasts?
A: I'll let my EX, who has now went all obsessive and won't leave me
alone, say it through an email she sent me yesterday, "having a physical
closeness with you - was an amazing experience. To say 'you turn me on' is
to trivialize it - you managed to evoke an emotional, mental and physical
response from me that I have never felt before. You are simply the best -
to put it bluntly." (Never toot your own horn. Let somebody
else toot it for you.)
Q: Why do you
think Boo-Berry Cereal is so hard to find these days?
A: Because ghosts are real good at disappearing.
Q: How many
peckers could a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker could peck peckers?
A: It depends on a woodpecker's natural pecking order. (Hey - YOU
try answering 101 of these damn things.)
Q: Do you have
blood guts and pussy on CD?
A: No, I only have it on tape. It's got a couple extra songs,
though.
Q: Why cant I
teach my computer to swim?
A: Because it's having enough trouble running.
Q: Will
technology be the downfall of humanity?
A: No, money will. And maybe Pokemon.
Q: What do you
have against the right to bare arms, anyway?
A: It makes legs feel inferior.
Q: Would you be
interested in having sex with an 800-pound female gorilla if she had really big
tits?
A: I think I already have. We're divorced now, though.
Q: Are
elephants monotheistic?
A: Big words about God frighten me.
Q: 2?
A: Sorry, I'm not good with numbers.
Q: Why are
Canadians so obsessed with the USA?
A: It doesn't have a 900-year-old queen, that's really a robot with skin
that's preserved in a basement in England with numerous pickles, and its
president gets impeached for getting a blowjob.
Q: Do you think
the Government should pay for sex changes?
A: If it means our president will be impeached for getting eaten out.
Q: Should I
declare bankruptcy?
A: Only if you can afford to.
Q: Can you
explain why, while walking with my black wife in Miami, I was shot at?
A: I was jealous that you were married.
Q: Why did you
say that Ticketmaster is the most evil company in the world? I thought
Microsoft was.
A: It was. The Government just put an end to that. Now it's
the second most evil company in the world, after Ticketmaster. And Bill
Gates thought his stocks dropping was the worst of it. Now he's fallen to
second in the "evil company" roster. What a bummer.
Q: How can
parents abuse their kids?
A: With their fists. Household items. Razor blades.
Chainsaws. Knives. Whips. Words. Actions.
Q: What would
happen if you took an entire bottle of aspirin?
A: I'd feel guilty and bring it back.
Q: What's Taboo
to you?
A: This one board game I see at Target that I think about buying, but
never have enough money for.
Q: If you only
had one tooth, what would you do with it?
A: Floss.
Q: How do you
come up with so many ideas for updates?
A: I steal them from Jay Leno.
Q: Bologna or
bacon?
A: Barbecued ribs.
Q: If you had
to get into a kickboxing match with anybody, who would it be?
A: Christopher Reeves.
Q: Why doesn't
Barbie have nipples?
A: For the same reason Mr. Potato Head doesn't come with a dick.
Q: Do you like
the new dollar coin?
A: No. The girl should have been topless.
Q: Do you think
about anything other than sex?
A: Foreplay.
Q: Why do they
call zits "whiteheads?"
A: Because calling them "redskins" didn't go over well with a
lot of Midwestern casino owners.
Q: If you could
remove one word from the dictionary, what would it be?
A: Feminist.
Q: Do you think
Walt Disney cartoons unfairly avoid retards?
A: Haven't you ever seen any of the sidekicks?
Q: What's the
greatest gift you ever received?
A: Spread legs and a willing vagina.
Q: Do you like
the innocent cute look on a girl or the nasty lace and leather look better?
A: I like the lace and leather hidden beneath a cute dress.
Q: Have you
ever got crapped on?
A: Only by collection agencies.
Q: What's your
favorite fast food?
A: Cheetah.
Q: What do you
think is George Lucas's greatest accomplishment in the last 15 years?
A: Getting fat.
Q: Do you think
marrying a man for money is wrong?
A: Only if he expects sex from me.
Q: Quick!
Look at your wall. What do you see?
A: My wall.
Q: Why do you
choose "101" questions?
A: It's the biggest number I can count to.
Q: Do those
obvious Playboy type implants actually fool you?
A: Yes, they fool me into buying their owner gifts, taking her to dinner,
bending to her will and proposing.
Q: Do guys in
tight shorts turn you on?
A: Only if they're frayed.
Q: Are you gay?
A: No, but if I was, would I turn you on by wearing tight shorts?
Q: What's your
reaction to elephantitis of the nuts?
A: Jealousy.
Q: What's the
least amount of money you'd have sex with a stranger for?
A: $0.00 dollars.
Q: Where did
you get your taste in music?
A: I pulled it out of my fucking ass and licked it. How the hell can
a person answer a question like that? The only thing worse would be if you
were to ask me what the color red looks like.
Q: What does
the color red look like?
A: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Q: Why don't
you ever answer my questions with an answer that actually means
something?
A: Because.
Q: Do you think
you'll get rich off of The Juicy Cerebellum?
A: No, but, if I play my cards right, I just might get Sally.
Q: Have you
ever noticed that when beer foams over the top of a mug it looks like a mushroom
cloud?
A: No, have you ever noticed that when someone begins noticing that beer
foaming over the top of a mug looks like a mushroom cloud, they end up attending
their first "meeting" about 2 days later?
Q: If you could
live in one moment of time for all of eternity, what would it be?
A: The time that my great-grandfather held me in his arms, when I was just
a baby, and I laughed so hard. It left us both with a feeling that this
whole mess was actually magic.
Q: Why are you
so self-deprecating when you're such an amazing person?
A: I like it best when women are naked sailors and their buttocks are pink
with passion.
Q: Whose
reviews do you like better between Siskel or Ebert?
A: I think Siskel's "no comment" type reviews, over the past
couple of years, have shown an amazing amount of self-restraint.
Q: Would you go
queer if guys had tits?
A: I probably would, if it wasn't for those meddling cocks.
Q: What's the
best description for boobs you can come up with in under 3 words?
A: "Pleasure chests."
Q: Do you wish
you could take it all back?
A: Not really, I just wish "it" would stop coming so fast and so
hard.
Q: Why is Miss
Piggy such a bitch?
A: Because Kermit the Frog is a control freak.
Q: How old are
you?
A: Young enough to date an 18-year-old girl and not old enough to be her
father.
Q: Do you think
you'll actually get to 101 questions?
A: There's no doubt about it.
©2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without my permission and, ah - fuck it, I'm not getting paid enough to think up "witty" copyright notices.
EMAIL MY ASS (GETTING THE POINT, YET?)!