20 Questions From A Girl On A Mission
(Or why you should never trust a Marine with an inferiority complex)
Written by: Alex Sandell
20 questions, and nasty email at the end by: G.I. Jane
About a week ago, I got an email with the subject header "JILL SNOT SUCKS AT INTERVIEWING." It was written by a girl in the Marines, who thought Jill Snot asked all the wrong questions in the interview she did with me back in August, and thought that she could do better, since she was some sort of expert, due to her experience with interviewing people that fly helicopters, and stuff. She then tried to back up her claim by asking me 20 original questions like, "what's your favorite word?"
Although I thought these questions were sorta moronic, I tried to give her credit, since she's a Marine, and all, and answer them for her. About 3 questions into it, I started thinking this so-called "interview" sounded more like a psychiatric evaluation, most likely given to all those naughty Marines, who actually dare stray from the pack, and have a thought of their own. Still, being the nice guy I am, I decided to go on with this evaluation, just as I would with an actual interview given by someone that wasn't trained to believe individualism is a crime.
After taking an entire 5 minutes out of my day, trying to find some humor in these mundane questions, I hit the "send" button, and watched my answers fly into the territory of yelling, killing, and dropping big bombs on really small people, all to make money for big companies. Oh, and also the place where they interview helicopter pilots, and stuff.
The next morning I woke up to G.I. Jane's reply. To my surprise, she bitched and moaned about my answers, and revealed the real reason for asking me these questions . . . she was actually jealous over the fact that one of her Marine partners, who really likes The Juicy Cerebellum, might think I'm cooler than her (as though that would somehow be a hard thing to think). For your voyeuristic viewing pleasure, I have included her bitchy email right after the "interview." Yo, JANE*!
*G.I. Jane would probably like me to point out that "G.I. Jane" isn't her actual name, and couldn't be, because she's a Marine, not a soldier, and for some fucking reason the two still can't find a way to work out their differences.
1. G.I. Jane: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE WORD?
2. G.I. Jane: IF YOU COULD ONLY KEEP ONE MEMORY, WHICH?
Me: That one I can't remember.
3. G.I. Jane: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG?
Me: Um . . . you know, the one where people sing about Christmas, and stuff.
4. G.I. Jane: ASK ME ONE QUESTION.
Me: Why do you type with all capital letters?
5. G.I. Jane: IF YOU COULD ASK GOD ONE QUESTION, WHICH?
Me: Why is CPL G.I. Jane doing a psychiatric evaluation on me?
6. G.I. Jane: DESCRIBE ONE OBSTACLE THAT YOU HAVE OVERCOME.
Me: That's a tough one.
7. G.I. Jane: IF YOU COULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE INVENTION, WHICH?
8. G.I. Jane: USING 10 NOUNS (OR LESS) DESCRIBE YOURSELF.
9. G.I. Jane: USING 25 WORDS (OR LESS) GIVE THE WORLD SOME MUCH NEEDED ADVICE.
Me: We're overpopulated! Enough humans, already! QUIT REPRODUCING!
10. G.I. Jane: PICK ONE QUESTION THAT I SHOULD BE ASKING.
Me: That one.
11. G.I. Jane: IF YOU COULD ASSUME THE PERSONALITY OF ONE FICTIONAL CHARACTER, WHICH?
Me: Dick Clark.
12. G.I. Jane: IF YOU COULD REMAIN A CERTAIN AGE, WHICH?
13. G.I. Jane: DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL WOMAN.
14. G.I. Jane: WERE YOU BREASTFED OR BOTTLE?
15. G.I. Jane: WHY DID YOU CHOOSE JUICY CEREBELLUM INSTEAD OF PAINTING, OR WEAVING OR SOME OTHER FORM OF SELF-EXPRESSION?
Me: Because I was breast-fed as an infant.
16. G.I. Jane: IF YOU COULD KILL TWO PEOPLE WITH IMMUNITY, WHO?
Me: I wouldn't.
17. G.I. Jane: WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE FOR YOUR LAST MEAL?
Me: Is that a threat?
18. G.I. Jane: WHAT IS ON YOUR STEREO RIGHT NOW?
Me: Hopefully nothing, it gets overheated.
19. G.I. Jane: IF I SHOWED UP AT YOUR DOOR TONIGHT WITH $2,000 IN SMALL BILLS AND 2 HOURS TO SPARE - WHAT WOULD WE DO?
Me: Watch "Space Ghost: Coast to Coast."
20. G.I. Jane: WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR POCKETS?
Me: Nothing, at the moment.
There you have it; 20 pointless questions finally proving our tax-dollars are being wasted on Corporals that sit around "thinking" up 20 pointless questions. And now, here's G.I. Jane's SUPER BITCHY RESPONSE (damn, typing in caps is getting catchy. I just feel so . . . so . . . powerful.). A SUPER BITCHY RESPONSE which proves that our tax-dollars are being wasted on Corporals that sit around and write SUPER BITCHY responses, when they don't like the answers given to their 20 pointless questions. Read on, and learn . . .
G.I. Jane's SUPER BITCHY RESPONSE
(Or . . . what the FUCK?!? I'm paying taxes for this???)
Written by: G.I. Jane (with commentary by Alex Sandell)
LET'S SEE WHAT YOUR LITTLE E-MAIL HAS TO SAY. DID YOU STRAIN TO BE WITTY
IS THIS LITTLE ATTITUDE OF YOUR'S JUST A NATURAL BY-PRODUCT OF TOO MUCH
ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER IN YOUR DIET?
G.I. JOE IS A SOLDIER. SO NO, I WOULDN'T INTERVIEW HIM (This
comment is based on me
asking her if she's ever interviewed "G.I. Joe." - Alex). I INTERVIEW MARINES WHO DO EXCITING
THINGS LIKE FLY HELICOPTERS, FIRE WEAPONS (Since when is firing weapons exciting?
I just think it's hostile. - Alex), ETC. I THINK "POOP" IS A FAIRLY POOR CHOICE FOR YOUR
FAVORITE WORD, BUT THAT'S JUST MY OPINION (Okay . . . okay, I could tolerate the rest,
but when you start fucking with the word "poop," I get a little angry. - Alex).
IS THERE ONLY ONE MEMORY THAT YOU CAN'T REMEMBER? YOU MUST HAVE A SUPER
MEMORY CAPACITY. BETTER THAN MINE (Wow, big surprise there. - Alex).
YEAH, "SILENT NIGHT" IS MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS CAROL TOO. (Did you strain to be
witty, or is this little attitude of your's just a natural by-product of too much artificial sweetener
in your diet? - Alex)
#17. I'M ASKING YOU ALL THESE QUESTIONS TO PROVE TO CPL. BERT THAT YOU DO
NOT WALK ON WATER, ARE NOT THE COOLEST THING SINCE CHEESE WHIZ AND ACTUALLY
ARE VERY MUNDANE AND MUDDLED (I can't believe some chick in the Marines is jealous over me.
I'm honored. Oh, by they way, I do walk on water. Haven't you read my "Conclusive proof that I really
am Jesus Christ" update? - Alex)
HUMANS AREN'T AN INVENTION, MY DEAR. THEY MAY POSSIBLY BE A CREATION BUT
DEFINATELY NOT AN INVENTION (Humans are also capable of differentiating between a serious
comment, and a joke, my dear . . . just not marines. - Alex). WOULD YOU LIKE TO SELECT AN
INVENTION TO TAKE RESPONSIBLITY FOR OR SHOULD WE JUST FORGET QUESTION #14 AL TOGETHER?
ACCORDING TO #8, I'M YOUR IDEAL WOMEN. HOW NICE FOR YOU (Uh . . . I usually prefer
women who haven't been trained in the art of killing people. - Alex).
IF YOU HAD TO KILL 2 PEOPLE (WITH IMMUNITY), WHO?
YES, THIS IS A THREAT - NOW PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE FOR YOUR LAST
MEAL (Is threatening people over the Internet really proper military conduct? - Alex)
I JOINED THE MARINE CORPS BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD EARN THE LOVE AND RESPECT
OF MY FATHER AND MY (NOW) EX-HUSBAND (Someone divorced you? I'm shocked! - Alex) IF I GAINED ENTRANCE INTO THIS EXCLUSIVE BOYS' CLUB. I STAYED IN THE MARINE CORPS OUT A BLIND ("Blind" being the keyword, here - Alex) SENSE OF PATRIOTIC DUTY, A LACK OF CASH AND THE OVERWHELMING DESIRE TO KILL 9 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE I MEET (Well, that's your job - Alex). I AM NOW
ON MY 2nd MARRIAGE AND MY 2nd CHILD AND I STILL LOOK TO THE CORPS FOR A SENSE OF SELF-WORTH (How pathetic - Alex). I ALSO ENJOY THE WAY MY HEART SWELLS WITH PRIDE EVERY SINGLE TIME I HEAR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM OR THE MARINES' HYMN (Isn't it funny how humans
can be conditioned, just like rats? - Alex).
I DON'T KNOW WHAT PARTS OF "THE JUICY CEREBELLUM" A GIRL WOULD ENJOY. FROM A
WOMAN'S (Oh, bite me. I'm a boy, and you're obviously as far from a "woman" as a girl can come - Alex). POINT OF VIEW, I ENJOYED YOUR FEEBLE ATTEMPT AT QUOTABLE QUOTES AND I
ENJOY CPL. BERT'S REACTION WHEN HE READS YOUR JUNENVILE HUMOR (Oh, stop . . . you're
hurting me with all those big words. - Alex). (HE THOUGHT "POOP" WAS A GREAT SELECTION, BY THE
WAY) (Maybe some Marines have taste, after-all. - Alex)
SEMPER FI (I still prefer, "Yo - JOE!" - Alex),
Hey, you commie bastard, I volunteered to be in the Vietnam, and now I wear plastic legs! Send me back to the table of brains, prick.
All material on this page, with the exception of the little brain picture,
and G.I. Jane's crap, ©1997 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved.]