The White Man Writes
Written by: Alex Sandell

If you haven't heard, The PJs is an animated show created by Eddie Murphy, starring the voice of Eddie Murphy and (partially) written by Eddie Murphy. As of this writing, two episodes have aired on FOX. In the week it took to air these couple of episodes, it also has had nearly every "black rights" group up in arms. They're accusing the show of degrading black people, playing into stereotypes regarding blacks, making blacks look ignorant, making blacks out to be nothing but crack-smoking, gang-bangers with a passion for 40 ouncers and guns, etc. etc..

As a man who would be an African-American if he was born black, I felt concern over a show being aired that may possibly be racist. Wanting to see what all the fuss was about, I decided to turn on last night's episode of The PJs and form my own opinion before dropping a burning pile of shit off at Rupert Murdoch's door.

By the end of the show, I chalked up the bickering to just another "rights" group forgetting to include the right to laugh in their long list of demands. Then I started thinking. Thinking led to comparing. Comparing led to complaint. Complaint led to disillusionment and discord. Disillusionment and discord led to this article. This article will hopefully lead to a whole bunch of white rights groups being created to join hands with black rights groups so we can stop this horrible portrayal of both the white and the black man on television.

I mean, really, have you been paying attention to how your race is being portrayed on TV??? No? Well, I have made a list out to show you that it isn't just that bigot Eddie Murphy making blacks out to be stupid; it is also that freak known as Al Bundy destroying the clean and proper image of the white man, everywhere!

Big Dumb Racist Show Number 1

Married With Children: This show is the worst of the worst. Sure, I used to laugh along, but I was young and confused; deceived by the racist stereotypes FOX (yes, once again FOX is to blame) was shoving down America's throat. Was there anything redeeming in how it portrayed the pale-faced seller of shoes and his family and friends? No. I say, NO! (Did I mention that I have a dream?) According to Married With Children the white man is a pot-bellied, beer-drinking moron with two children; one a slut, and the other hoping to find one, a horny wife and a flat-chested feminist neighbor married to some guy from Happy Days. Everyone is a stereotype. The dumb blonde, the wife with big hair, the feminist with little tits and short hair, and some guy from Happy Days. What?!? Every white has been on Happy Days? Is that what Married With Children is trying to tell us? Sure, half of the white population either starred or made a cameo appearance during the show's 57-year run, but not every white man has been on Happy Days, they just haven't! (Unless you count spin-offs like "Mork and Mindy".)

Big Dumb Racist Show Number 2

The Simpsons: Yet another FOX production. It's no coincidence that The PJs made its network debut after this insipid half hour of mind-manipulation. FOX must just figure "hey, after some white-guy bashing, let's just move on to the black folk! What's the difference?" Stupid FOX. Doh!

The Simpsons is a show about a white man named Homer who's not very smart, has a big pot-belly and drinks lots of beer. Homer has two children (three, if you count Maggie, although since he never does, I guess I won't either), one a male trouble-maker who gets his report card taped up on the fridge if he can manage to get an "F+", the other an intelligent little brown-noser named Lisa who plays the saxophone and doesn't have many friends. The show also features Homer's wife, Marge, a blue haired woman of moderate intelligence who spends her life trying to get her big dumb white husband out of jam after jam.

Not only is The Simpsons racist against whites, but it is also condescending in nature toward men. Bart and Homer: dumb. Marge and Lisa: smart. This show went as far as to have an episode regarding the "dumb gene" found exclusively in the male Simpson. Men rights groups should be up in arms! White rights groups should be throwing things! We need to band together here, people. The next thing you know, our wives and girlfriends will be dying their hair blue and doing our addition for us.

Big Dumb Racist Show Number 3

King of the Hill: See The Simpsons, add a fence, thirty more beers, and a southern accent.

Big Dumb Racist Show Number 4

South Park: Now this little ditty is a prize. Foul mouthed bastards call people names and Kenny gets killed. What message are we sending out, here? Anyone named Kenny should watch their ass and the rest of the under-18 world should swear lots and make fart jokes? Much like this update, this isn't funny, gang! We need to wake up!!!

Big Dumb Racist Show Number 5

Beavis and Butthead: Two dumb teenagers watch MTV a lot. Hmm . . . Well, that makes sense. What smart teenager would watch MTV? Moving on . . .

Big Dumb Racist Show Number 6

Friends: Everyone on this show is dumb. This is the quintessential dumb white show. Phoebe the moron, Joey the moron, Jennifer Aniston the moron with a name I can't remember, Chandler the moron with a big chin, Ross the kind of moron who gets married all the time, Monica the fat girl who turned anorexic like a moron and all the guest star morons like Jean Claude Van-Damme, Charlton Heston and Tom Selleck. What is this, the white republican racist hour? Sadly, it can't be, being that it's only 30 minutes, but you get the point.

Big Dumb Racist Show Number 7

Beverly Hills 90210: How old did you say you were again?

I would name more big dumb racist white shows, but you get the idea and I feel the need to stop and announce that I am not a white man, after-all. I am a Caucasian-American! You got that, buddy? Don't forget to capitalize it. So, young Caucasians-Americans, let's join hand to hand with our African-American brothers and stomp out this rotten injustice known as a "sense of humor"! Let's tear these networks down! Catholics, you can join in too! Why? Haven't you seen Ally McBeal lately?

All sarcasm, cynicism, and satire aside, the author would like to thank the fanatic black rights groups out there who, by their complaining, introduced him to a fabulous show. He would also like to point out that The PJs is on every Tuesday at 7:30 PM, after King of the Hill. Enjoy!

(Did I mention Ally McBeal is on Monday at 8:00 PM and you can find The Simpsons at 7:00 PM Central/Standard time on Sunday?)

1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Don't even think about it, White Man!

Something on your mind? Email Alex at alex@juicycerebellum.com

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