More Ratings For Capital Hill
By: Alex Sandell

Since "family values" became the battle-cry of politicians and idiots everywhere, the Internet, music and television have all been threatened by rating systems, supposedly needed to protect the "vulnerable" youth from parents who obviously can't do their jobs. Last year, the Republicans and Mr. Bill, America's "I'm not really that much of a Democrat" president, decided to stick ratings on television programs. Now, even those of us who aren't foolish enough to breed, have to put up with these ugly, translucent "TV-14" and "TV-PG" signs hanging out on our television screens.

Not surprisingly, lazy parents, and dorks looking for some sort of cause, are saying these ratings "just aren't enough." They're telling the politicians, and networks, that "we" need more annoying (oops, I mean "descriptive") ratings. And, like the obedient little devil-dogs they are, the politicians are listening (to the dollar signs these right-wing groups are flashing before their eyes). So, not even a year after the original television ratings went into place, we have an all new system set to take off, one which features even more ugly looking, translucent letters, such as "V" for "Violence," "N" for "Nudity" and so on, and so forth. If (more like "when") this ratings system goes into effect, an episode of "Seinfeld" could have a "TV-PG VNSSC" stuck onto it.

. . . And our screens will be more cluttered than ever before.

Following the imbecilic "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" saying, I decided to help out "concerned" parents, and greedy politicians everywhere, by bringing up a few ratings suggestions of my own. As long as there's going to be ugly looking ratings stuck all over everything, here's some that The Juicy Cerebellum would like to see:

Clearasil - T.P.D.W.: This Product Doesn't Work.
Cracker Jacks - T.T.I.T.B.I.A.P.O.C.: The Toy In This Box Is A Piece Of Crap.
Slim Fast - O.M.F.N.Y.S.B.F: One Month From Now You'll Still Be Fat.
Health Food Stores - P.H.I.T.W.N.W.H: Pretentious Hippies "In Touch With Nature" Working Here.
Parents - W.D.I.A.S.W.T.Y.N.T.D.A.O.I.: We Did It All So We'll Tell You Not To Do Any Of It.
Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuits
- M.Y.F.S.R.B.: Makes Your Farts Smell Really Bad.
Grape Soda - G.Y.G.P.: Gives You Green Poop
Kentucky Fried Chicken - T.O.H.A.S. - B.T.A.M.S.G.: Twenty-One Herbs And Spices - But They're All M.S.G..
McDonald's - R.C.F.: Real Crappy Food.
Tall People - W.S.I.F.O.Y.A.T.M.: Will Sit In Front Of You At The Movies.
Loud People - W.S.B.Y.: Will Sit Behind You.
Car Keys - Y.L.T.: You'll Lose These.
Old People - M.D.O.Y.: Might Die On You.
Hamburgers - N.M.H.N.T.L.I.S.A.D.C.: No Matter How Nice This Looks It's Still A Dead Cow.
Dog Food - M.F.C.N.R.U.P.: Meant For Canines Not Really Ugly People.
Vaseline - I.F.M.: Ideal For Masturbation.
The Juicy Cerebellum - W.E.I.N.B.N.I.S: Where Everyone Is Normal Because Nobody Is Sane!

I.H.opeY.ouL.ikedT.heR.atings. Actually, it was kinda fun thinking them up. Maybe the politicians and "concerned" parents are onto something. Then again, it's more likely they're just on something.

Wanna trade rating secrets? Send me an email at:

1997 Alex Sandell [all ratings reserved].


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