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Explaining my "Scale"
by:  Alex Sandell

My rating scale has nearly caused a few diehard movie fans to commit suicide.  It's a scale, with ratings.  The ratings are 1-10.  10 is the best rating I can give a film.  1 is the worst.  It's about as basic as you can get, really.  Here is what each rating means.  Before writing to me, look at what I gave the movie, what that rating means, and find out if we really agreed/disagreed to the degree you originally thought. 

If I gave a movie a "1", that means:

It was so incredibly lame, my idiotic ex-girlfriend wouldn't even enjoy it.

If I gave a movie a "2", that means:

It sucked so hard, my generic DVD player would refuse to play it.

If I gave a movie a "3", that means:

It was pretty bad, but I've seen worse.  I wouldn't recommend it to a corpse, but a corpse probably wouldn't mind spending 90 minutes with the film.

If I gave a movie a "4", that means:

It was a little below average.  Definitely not worth writing home about.  Actually, if you wrote home about it, you'd probably be disowned.  Still, if you're drunk and have nothing better to do, you could be doing things far worse than watching this film (like cow-tipping, for example).

If I gave a movie a "5", that means:

Average.  Usually not worth watching, unless something really jumps out at you.

If I gave a movie a "6", that means:

The flick was a bit above average.  I usually wouldn't recommend going to the theater to see it, but it's worth watching on DVD.

If I gave a movie a "7", that means:

It's worth a matinee.  If nothing else is playing at the multiplex, it may even be worth full-price.  It's a pretty good movie, but I still wouldn't pick up that pen and starting writing home.

If I gave a movie a "8", that means:

I'd grab that pen and send a letter home.  This is a good film.  Definitely worth the price of admission.

If I gave a movie a "9", that means:

The movie is excellent.  It's not quite a CLASSIC, but it's so much better than most of the crap out there, you'd be a fool to miss it.  This is an unexpected treasure.  Write home about it, and then write home again, just in case your first letter got lost in the mail.

If I gave a movie a "10", that means:

There is a God, and he's a movie producer.  This is as good as it gets (ironically, I gave As Good as it Gets a "10").  Not only should you rush out to see this movie, you should rush out to see it 3 times in a row!  Maybe 4!  I rarely give a film the coveted "10" rating, so when I do, I'm not filling you full of bullshit.  This movie is the real deal, and cinematic perfection has been achieved!

And that's all.  Find the rating I gave the movie you want to complain about, or praise, before sending me an email

Hopefully this will avoid a lot of confusion and I can go back to drinking "purified" bottled water that a moose probably crapped in, rather than answering emails from befuddled people asking me why I thought a movie I gave a 5 was "a pile of shit."

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