So, You Wanna Be
a Teenage Redneck?
By: Alex Sandell
Have you found yourself getting shunned (the word "shunned" means like, "ignored." For example, if you were "shunned" from a group, they would be "ignoring" you.) from the "in" circle at the local NASCAR races? When cruising Broadway, are all the engines revving up for somebody else? Is your Monte Carlo's pinstripes not up to par with the one's next to you? Are you just a lost little seventeen-year-old with a piercing in the wrong ear and a Chevy when you should really have a Ford? Well, The Juicy Cerebellum is here to help cure your redneck inadequacies. Come on, motorheads, put down that toolbox for a minute and read. You might actually learn something. You might actually learn how to become a genuine teenage redneck!
Long hair in the back: This is a must. That mess of curls coming out of the back of your baseball cap will tell the world "hey, don't mess with me . . . I'm a teenage redneck!" Just make sure it's well cropped on the top, and sides - otherwise you might not get a neat NASCAR jacket.
AC/DC: The mandatory soundtrack for any teenage redneck. Every girl with too-tight-jeans, and hair that came straight from the eighties, will go wild for you when you drive up in that big 'ol pickup truck of yours with "You Shook Me All Night Long" blaring from the speakers.
Subwoofers: The mating call of any real teenage redneck. The AC/DC grabs the gals' attention, but it's the subwoofers that melt 'em.
Ignorance: Intelligence is shunned (there's that "shunned" word again, if you've forgotten what it means, jump back up to the top of the page for an explanation) from the majority of redneck circles. Conversational topics include, and are primarily limited to; A.) Sex B.) How much beer one can drink C.) Sex
Fringes: A jacket without lots of fringes hanging off of it, is just not a jacket at all.
Parking lots: Hang out in them.
Broadway: Cruise it.
Stoplights: Every red-light means it's time to rev your engine, crank up the AC/DC and get ready to race. When that light turns green, it's just you, your challenger, and the open road.
Jacked-up cars: If your car's rear-end ain't off the ground and bouncin', buddy - you ain't a redneck.
Broadway: Cruise it. (I know, I know, I said that before, but any redneck worth his weight in Copenhagen spends large amounts of his free time doing this.)
Half-grown mustache: You're not old enough to grow a full one yet, but it's still expected of you - if you wanna really be a real teenage redneck.
Stare ominously: Make sure you do this to anyone that looks or acts even remotely different, or "threatening" to you.
Wrangler Jeans: Tight ones.
That weird snorting noise that comes out of your nose: I don't know how it's done, but all the cool rednecks do it.
Fist fights: At least once a week.
Tinted windows: Hey, they make you look cooooooooooooooool.
Chewing tobacco: It's the in thing with the happenin' rednecks. Plus, the rest of us might get lucky, and it'll kill you at a young age.
That's all there is to it. If you follow these basic instructions, they should keep you a redneck until you reach adulthood. Then, you'll have to trade in your AC/DC for some Hank Williams Jr., and your long-hair for a cowboy hat. But you can still be real ignorant, though.
All writing on this page ©1997 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy it, I'll kick your ass.
Wanna start somethin'? Huh? Do ya? C'mon, you chickenshit. Send me email at firstname.lastname@example.org, I dare ya!
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