Sifting Through the Elephant Shit:
What the Republicans REALLY Mean
Written by:  Alex Sandell

Republicans say: Republicans mean:
"I'm a compassionate conservative!" "I'm a walking contradiction!"
"I will leave no child behind!" "Well, other than the ones with poor parents!"
"I'm a uniter, not a divider!" "'Uniter' isn't actually a word, so you can't call me on this one!"
"Sublibinamal!" "Subliminal!"
"End social promotion!" "I'm feeling sort of suicidal, today!"
"I think the message ought to be to all children, 'Donít use drugs. Donít abuse alcohol.' Thatís what leadership is all about.Ē "Christ Almighty am I a bad leader!Ē
"I will put an end to the death tax, to help small businesses and family farmers!" "I realize no one has much sympathy for the multi-millionaires and billionaires who actually pay the estate tax, so I'll rename it the 'death' tax and claim it affects small business and family farms.  Most folks won't bother to look up the facts, causing over 70% of people, who will not have to pay a dime in 'death' taxes, to say they believe that a 'significant' amount of their money will be sucked up by the tax, in a recent poll!"
"I'm confidant that working Americans will make the right choice and vote Republican!" "I'm absolutely convinced that most working Americans are fucking morons, and will vote whatever way I tell them they should, as long as they feel that what they're doing is 'right.'  Lemmings, follow me!"
"We need to drill in the Artic Natural Wildlife Refuge quickly, or gas prices will go through the roof!" "Drilling for oil in ANWR will do absolutely NOTHING to lower gas prices, but you idiots won't figure that out for another 4 or 5 years, when I'm already reelected!"
"I am not a crook!" "I just robbed this country blind, and now I'm leaving with the loot!"
"I strongly believe America needs to continue its ongoing war on drugs!" "Damn, I'm glad I wasn't President back when I was snortin' coke!"
"I oppose Affirmative Action!" "In Texas we just throw them pesky niggers into jail for minor offenses and execute 'em!"
"We need to promote free trade between countries!" "I'm in favor of slave labor and sending American jobs overseas, where they belong!"
"When the president does it, that means it is not illegal." "When the president does it, that means it is not illegal."
"We will continue to work hard to take men and women off of the welfare roles!" "And put them back out on the street, where they belong!"
"There has to be a cap on what a patient can sue his doctor for!" "Did you see how much fucking money the medical industry pumped into our last campaign?!?"
"I'm innocent. You've got to believe I'm innocent. If you don't, take my job!" "I'm lying. You've got to believe I'm innocent. If you don't, I'll resign!"
"Read my lips...No new taxes!" "Read my voters are dorks, and most Americans listen to only what they want to hear.  This election is in the bag!"
"I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli!" "If I say enough cutesy crap, the bottom 80% of American people might forget that I'm totally screwing them.  It worked for Reagan!"
"Alternate sources of energy just don't work!" "Alternate sources of energy just don't work for my friends in the oil industry who paid a lot of money to get me in this here White House!"
"I won this election fair and square!" "I stole this election."
"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating!" "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job are in my current administration, doing my job for me!"
"If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." "If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
"Facts are stupid things!" "Facts are stupid things!"
"The current levels of arsenic in the drinking water are not bad!" "The current levels of arsenic in the drinking water are not bad when compared to the current level of alcohol in my daughter's bloodstream!"
"I donít think we know the solution to slow down global warming yet!" "Of course we've known the solution for decades and decades, but I don't think we know the solution to keeping the corporations happy if we incorporate the solutions to slow down global warming.  So, I guess I'll just lie to the public, because 99% of them have their heads buried in some stupid sitcom, anyway!"
"Iím not going to let the US carry the burden for cleaning up the worldís air!" "God Forbid a Republican do something right for once!"
"We need to have a military presence in the Korean peninsula not only to keep the peace in the peninsula but to keep regional stability. And we need to keep a presence in NATO. But the use of the military needs to be in our vital interest. The mission needs to be clear and the exit strategy obvious!" "I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about!"
"Stopping the AIDS epidemic is a top priority!" "In Fantasy Land!  I'd cut off my own dick before I advocated teaching birth control in school and distributing clean needles to drug addicts!  Did you know that this AIDS epidemic only became an epidemic because Ronald Reagan refused to do a damn thing about it?  All of us Republicans since then, we just keep refusing.  Gotta think about the religious right, y'know?  It's the 'moral' 'majority' that keeps getting our asses elected!  Maybe we'll name the AIDS wing of some hospital after Ronnie, or something."
"It's time to put an end to big Government!" "It's time to put an end to big Government, unless we're talking a woman's right to choose, a guy's right to rent a porn, a person's right to be educated without being preached to, etc, etc..  What we really mean by 'big Government' is all those programs that actually HELP people.  Those are the ones we want to put an end to!"
"Medical marijuana is WRONG!" "Suffer and die you lowly cancer patient!  We'll make sure and cut your benefits too, so you can't afford prescription drugs!  All in the name of ending big Government!  Yee-ha!"
"Faith Based Initiatives!" "Sucking Off the Moral Majority!"
"Four more years!" "Until I send another relative in to get revenge for the fact that my second term was stolen from me by the Democrats!"
"There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of this [web] site, and this guy is just a garbage man, that's all he is." "I hate that damn bastard running that friggin' Juicy Cerebellum!  I just hate him!"

©2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]*.  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll call up a Republican and remind him to throw all your Social Security dollars into corporate stock before you can actually get at any of them!

*The Republican quotes are quotes from Republicans.  They aren't copyrighted by me (thank God)!

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