Here are the
Wonderful, Wonderful Survey Results
SECOND Juicy Survey!
Two months ago, today (if you happen to be reading this on the day I put it up), I embarked on yet another adventure. An adventure where I would challenge the hearts and minds of individuals all over the world. I decided to boldly ask all the questions that people really wanted to know the answers to. The answers that made a difference . . . the answers that could change the world. Answers to questions like "do you go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?"
What I got back from all of you was more wonderful than I could have even imagined. Such beauty, power, and honesty in your answers. I gave the most thought-provoking questions I could find, and your answers came back to me, one after another, provoking my own thoughts as much as I had provoked yours. (Isn't it nice that we can all provoke each other?)
I feel nothing (except maybe Juicy survey # 3) will ever unite humanity in the way this survey did. I feel there are no more questions (with the exception of those coming up in Juicy survey # 3) that even need to be asked. The world is saved, and we, the insane and decrepit, did it together. United, like some sort of really dysfunctional family, filling in the blanks, and saving the world!
And here's what we ended up with. What you've all been waiting for, the results to the SECOND Juicy survey! Here is the dawning of the new age! Here is a good reason for me to end this lame introduction!
What is your favorite Disney cartoon?
37 people picked The Lion King, making it number one, and proving that, at one time, not so long ago, Disney could actually make great cartoons.
35 people put Snow White and the Dorky Midgets at number two. Proving, once again, that everyone loves midgets.
32 people picked 101 Dead Dalmatians, putting it at number three. Proving that I should probably be making Disney movies for a living.
28 people picked Fantasia, although I have no idea why.
23 people picked The lady is a Tramp, putting it at number 5, and proving that at least 23 guys figured it out.
22 people put The Rescuers Do Dallas, into number 6, proving that the next Rescuers should be a hardcore porno.
19 people picked Aladdin, bringing it in at number 7, and proving that those rotten "made-for-video" sequels, and that really crappy "Disney Afternoon" series, can pretty much destroy what was once a good thing.
19 more people picked Robin Hood, tying it with Aladdin for number 7, and giving me a little more hope that someday that class war I keep praying for will become a reality.
13 beatniks pushed The Jungle Book into number 9, and I can't think of anything to say about that.
10 people a piece put Beauty and the Beast, The Black Cauldron, and Dumbo into a three-way tie for 10th place (kinda eerie, huh?).
9 people thought Bambi was the best Disney movie ever. Putting it at a disappointing number 13, which would really disturb my mother, who's convinced it's the second coming of Christ.
9 people also picked Song of the South as their favorite, tying it with Bambi. Please, don't tell my mom.
8 people chose Alice in Wonderland, bringing it in at number 15, and proving at least 8 readers of The Juicy Cerebellum take acid.
7 people a piece picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Sword and the Stone, and Hunchback of Notre Dame, giving us the second three-way tie, this time in the number 16 spot, proving that 21 people like really boring Disney movies.
6 people each picked The Little Mermaid and 101 Dalmatians, tying them for number 19. Revealing that 29 more people prefer their Dalmatians dead, over alive.
5 people a piece chose Lady and the Tramp, Pocahontas, and Pinocchio as their favorites, putting them all at number 20, giving us the last three-way tie, and giving me one more chance to type "three-way."
3 happy individuals each gave Oliver and Company, and The Great Mouse Detective the number 22 spot.
2 people gave The Fox and the Hound a cozy little spot at number 23, proving that 2 people have really horrible taste in cartoons.
0 people picked The Rescuers as their favorite Disney film. Proving that The Rescuers really suck.
0 people picked The Rescuers Down Under as their favorite Disney film. Proving that it's not very smart for Disney to make a sequel to a movie that really sucks.
Have you ever fantasized over a Disney character?
166 people answered "yes," proving that there's lots of males visiting this site.
174 people answered with a "no," proving that at least 174 people are willing to lie on a survey.
Have you ever fantasized over Walt Disney?
Only 27 people said "yes."
313 people said "no," proving that not many people want to have sex with a rotting dead nazi.
If you said "yes" to question number 2, which character?
Pocahontas came in at number 1, with 23 people admitting to fantasizing over her. Proving that Disney animators are really good at drawing sexy Indian chicks.
Aladdin's Jasmine had 20 people admitting to fantasizing over her. Proving that if you have a name that sounds kind of like "semen," guys are gonna love ya.
The Little Mermaid's Ariel came in close, with 19 people admitting to fantasizing over her, giving a new sense of hope to women everywhere, because maybe they don't have to worry about that "weird, fishy" smell, after-all.
Snow White came in at number 4, with only 13 votes. Proving that 13 people couldn't think of anybody else.
Beauty and the Beast's Belle had 8 guys admitting they like to whack off over modestly dressed girls with really hot bodies.
Dopey (one of the seven dwarves) came in with 7 votes. Proving that people like making love to really dumb midgets.
Baloo the Bear, from The Jungle Book came in with 4 votes. Proving that women go for fat, lazy animals with tender hearts.
Surprisingly, The Rescuers' Gadget received 4 votes. Proving, once again, that The Rescuers would make tons of money as a hardcore porno.
101 Dalmatians' ultimate baddy, Cruella De Vil received 3 votes, proving some guys really liked the realistic way in which Disney's screenwriters and animators portrayed a flesh-and-blood woman.
Bambi also received 3 votes, giving an indication as to why those bestiality sites keep doing big business.
The Beast from Beauty and the Beast came in with 3 votes, giving hope to hairy men everywhere.
Mickey and Minnie Mouse got 3 votes a piece, making me think they rigged this.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame's Esmerelda got only 3 votes, proving that the last few Disney movies have been sucky piles of shit.
Either A.) 2 gigantic perverts, B.) 2 people with a really good sense of humor, or C.) Both picked 101 Dalmatians - ALL OF THEM!
Four more animals, Donald Duck, Simba, Robin Hood, and Dumbo also got 2 votes a piece. (Those bestiality sites must be making a fortune!).
Pinocchio pulled in two votes, proving that women still prefer a man that can get it up.
Two of Disney's most heroic male characters pulled in 2 votes a piece. Aladdin, and The Little Mermaid's, Eric.
Peter Pan's Tinkerbell received 2 votes, proving that some guys still prefer a girl they can swat around.
Two big weirdoes picked "your mom," proving that some people don't quite grasp real simple questions.
Grumpy (another of the seven dwarves) finally has something to smile about, being that he received 2 votes, and may get laid someday, after-all.
Alice in Wonderland got 2 votes, and all I can think of to say is, "oh."
Some person picked All of them. Proving that, there's at least one gigantic slut frequenting The Juicy Cerebellum.
And, the rest of
these characters came in with one vote a piece:
Mowgli, Thumper, Lucifer the cat, the dwarf with the big nose, Walt Disney, Sleepy, Sneezy, Gaston, The crows in Dumbo (I'm assuming he means in the movie "Dumbo," not in the actual elephant), Sleeping Beauty (she must not be that beautiful), Jimminy Cricket, Raja the tiger, Sebastian, the owl in The Fox and the Hound, Lady, the witch from Sleeping Beauty, the witch from Snow White, the witch that dates your ex-friend (I made that one up), Cinderella, Maid Marion, Dale the chipmunk, Prince Charming, Peter Pan, Daisy Duck, the third dorky midget, Wendy from Peter Pan, Brer Rabbit, Marry Poppins, and, my personal favorite, Ross Perot.
Who would you rather have with you, if you were stranded on a desert island?
Only 45 people picked Bob Dole, but this was enough to let me make a strange observation: people who would choose to spend their lives on a desert island with Bob Dole usually selected The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as their favorite slasher movie. Scary, huh?
That fun freak of nature, Ronald McDonald pulled in 86 votes, causing me to make yet another strange observation: there's 86 people who would be willing to spend their entire life on an Island with Ronald McDonald.
And, the winner is, "neither, I'd kill myself," bringing in a stunning 209 votes!!! Which, when you think about it, would probably make Ronald and Bob pretty damn insecure.
Question # 6:
Select your favorite slasher series:
Nothing too surprising here. Although there hasn't been a good one since part one (there's been 7 total), A Nightmare on Elm Street came in at number one, with 86 votes.
70 people voted for Free Willy, putting it in the number two spot, and showing that lots and lots of people are really confused.
Friday the 13th came in third with 54 votes, proving that resurrecting Jason a tenth time, just may make New Line Cinema some money, after-all.
All you down-home perverts out there brought The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in at an EXTREMELY close number four, with 53 votes.
Candyman came in fifth, with 41 votes, proving that black guys can be cool serial-killers, too.
Number six, with 25 votes, was the one that pretty much started it all, Halloween.
Last and definitely least, was Child's Play, with 15 votes, proving that 15 people just don't have a clue.
Question # 7:
Do you go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?
87 people admitted they go cuckoo for all the right things, including chocolate cereal that looks like rabbit turds.
83 people admitted they prefer oatmeal.
167 people claimed that this was "the stupidest fucking question I've ever heard." Which, if you think about it, it probably was.
Question # 8:
Select a month from the following list, which shows six elements at a time:
I have no idea what this question means, or what the answer is. I just thought it made me sound really smart.
And, there you have it, the final results to Juicy survey # 2. I hope you enjoyed reading them more than I did tallying them up, because, to be honest, it was such a pain in the ass, I started wondering why I'm not getting paid for this. Then I remembered that I'm in this for the art, not the money. After that, I went and sought counseling.
As always, I'd like to give a special thanks to all of you who were kind enough to take this survey. And, to all of you who didn't take it, thanks for nothing, you stupid morons.
You still have a chance to make a change! Take Juicy survey # 3, because, if you thought part one and two were strange; oh, baby - we're just getting started!
©1997 Alex Sandell. If you're bored enough to copy this, you probably have less of a life than I do, anyway, so I 'spose I shouldn't worry.
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