Here are the
Wonderful, Wonderful Survey Results
To the
First EVER Juicy Cerebellum Survey!

About three weeks ago, I embarked on an adventure, a test if you will, to see what the rest of the human-race really thought about important stuff, like cereal. Sure, there's been lots of surveys given, but most of them are on trivial matters, like who the next president should be, or something. Well, leading the free world is one thing, saving it is another, and that's why I found out which James Bond the majority of people would rather have saving them.

Being that it just isn't fair to keep information this important under wraps, I am going to share the results with you, the faithful Juicy Cerebellum reader. Some of what you are about to read may shock, titillate, or even offend you, but it is all true.

Question # 1:
Which do you prefer, Alpha-Bits or Frosted Lucy Charms?

Frosted Lucky Charms clobbered Alpha-Bits by a 48-29 margin. Once again proving my theory that midgets in funny green outfits make wonderful pitchmen.

Question # 2:
How many bowls of sugared-cereal do you eat per week?

I can't deny that I was a little disappointed with the results on this one. A whopping 26 people claimed to eat NO sugared-cereal. No wonder we live in such a bitter, frightening world. 34 of you said you eat a miniscule 1-5 bowls of cereal per week, putting that selection into the lead. 8 people claimed to eat 6-10 bowls. There was yet another decline in the 11-20 bowl bracket, which only 5 people selected. And, sadly, only 4 of you eat more than 20 bowls per week.

Question # 3:
Do you ever use any toys and/or household items to play with yourself while eating sugared-cereal? What do you use?

The majority of people chose to leave this question blank, revealing to the world why people are so grumpy in the morning. The more adventurous participants admitted to using these items while eating their morning cereal: Vaseline, Zippo lighter, plastic nose hair trimmer, yo-yo, Shaving Ken, Hot Skating Barbie, lint, my hand, hand lotion, dildo, candles, mayo, barrel o' monkeys, used "Bounce" sheets, goose liver, liver, taco bell food, baby oil, spoon, ruler, milk, cheese, bedpost, fork, telephone, cat, and washing machine.

Breakfast will never be the same again!

Question # 4:
What is your favorite "under-water" horror movie?

"Jaws" won this one, hands down, with 41 votes. Another Peter Benchley based film, "The Deep" came in a distant second with 13 votes. Oddly, the wanna-be "E.T." flick, "Free Willy," came in at number three, with 9 votes. Number four in the contest was the "get me outta these damn sewers" film, "Alligator," receiving 4 votes. 3 votes brought "Piranha" in at number five. "Jaws 2," "Jaws 3," "Jaws 4," and "Orca" all tied for number six, with only 2 votes a piece. And, "Piranha 2" brought up the rear, with just 1 vote, probably from some guy that watches way too much late-night t.v..

Question # 5:
Select the subject(s) you are most interested in:

The five subjects to select from were: "The Brady Bunch," "Masturbation," "Living Dead Dogs," "Poetry," and "'Under-Water' Horror Movies." "Masturbation" came in number one with 41 votes, proving, once again, that humans would be a miserable specie if our hands couldn't reach our genitals. "Poetry" came in second, with 27 votes. "Living dead dogs" was number three, with a respectable 23 votes. "The Brady Bunch" came in fourth, with 19 votes, proving that the Brady trend is fizzling away, like day old grape soda. Last, and I guess, least, was "Under-Water Horror Movies" which managed to scare up 17 votes.

Question # 6:
Who do YOU think makes a better James Bond?

Nothing too surprising here. Sean Connery took the lead with an incredible 57 votes. Roger Moore and Pierce Bronson (the newest Bond) tied for a distant second, with only 9 votes a piece. Timothy Dalton proved to be a big, dorky idiot, once again, by coming in fourth, with only 3 votes.

And, there's the survey. I would like to give a special thanks to all of you who were kind enough to take it. The rest of you, thanks for nothing, you lazy bastards.

- Alex Sandell

1997 Alex Sandell.