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Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
Review Written by: Alex Sandell
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
Two dark blobs fight in the rain.

It would be nearly impossible to make a movie with an Alien and a Predator fighting suck. But somehow Paul W.S. Anderson managed to do the impossible and create a PG-13 train wreck of a film with his 2004 original. Defying all odds, The Brothers Strause (don't ask) have puked up a movie that's even worse with Alien vs. Predator: Requiem.

The acting is laughably bad, the dialog is worse and -- sin of all sins -- the aliens and predator aren't cool (Predator), scary (Alien) or both (Aliens). The only thing this movie gets right is its R rating. And by the time the film's finished you'll realize how little a rating matters when the movie itself was created by talentless hacks who should be taking your order at Burger King before you see the movie, rather than working on the movie you're about to see.

Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
is a franchise-killer. It's not even good enough to be as bad as a terrible straight-to-video teen slasher such as, I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer. To those just looking for some fun action and gore -- look somewhere else. Most of the kills in AVP:R are ultra-fast or off-screen. A few tiny snips and the film could have been a PG-13. Even Paul W.S. Anderson's PG-13 AVP abomination left 2 of the greatest monsters in sci-fi history with a little bit of dignity intact. The Brothers Strause, taking a break from making crappy special FX in crappy movies like Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer to instead direct a crappy movie with crappy special FX, have absolutely no ability to properly stage or direct an action or suspense scene; making both creatures look like B-grade monsters that should be hidden in a Black Lagoon somewhere.

The Aliens aren't kept in the dark to create a mood -- they're kept there to hide their low-budget appearance and their director's inability to direct. The Predator stomps around like a WWE wrestler, grunting at everyone and using blue ooze to melt victims in an attempt to cover his tracks (but, at the same time, he skins other people alive and leaves them hanging from trees for inept townsfolk to discover). Next time the Predator race decide to send only 1 of their peeps to represent, they may want to reconsider sending the mentally handicapped guy in the bunch. Or was this the Alien and Predator's version of the Special Olympics?  It could have been, for all the audience knows, as the plot in this movie is non-existent.

As for the humans? They're clearly retarded. But who cares? Obviously not the filmmakers. There's no believable human character to follow, identify or empathize with. It's just some 30-year-old actors playing teenagers with a few older characters thrown in to attract the adult demographic who watched Alien and Predator movies when they were still good. But the only reason this movie was made was for opening weekend numbers. FOX doesn't give a shit about either franchise anymore, so they hire the bottom feeders to direct and write the things. And the only thing worse than the directing in this picture is the writing.

You know it's over when Shane Salerno is brought in as the writer. This guy is so pathetic that the best movie he's written is Armageddon. You read that correctly -- Armageddon is the best he's done. The guys writing porn laugh at the shit this guy puts out. He has no dramatic flow, no idea how to compose a decent action scene and no reason to be working outside of custodial services. Whose dick did this moron suck on to get a screenwriting career? He's a fresh zit on the already pockmarked face of Hollywood. One that, after the disgraceful AVP: R, should be popped by even the least creative of the suits running the studios.

There is nothing good to say about
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem.
The best thing anyone could get out of the damn film is a refund. If you have any respect left for either of these franchises or simply value your free time stay far, far away from this movie. Hopefully the Strause brothers will stay just as far away from a camera and Shane Salerno as far away from a keyboard, before taking it upon themselves to defecate all over another beloved film franchise.

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©2007 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without my permission and I'll make sure Shane Salerno turns your life into a major motion picture. That's not a good thing