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Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
Review Written by: Alex Sandell Two
dark blobs fight in the rain.
It would be nearly impossible to make a movie with an
Alien and a
Predator fighting suck. But somehow Paul W.S. Anderson managed to do
the impossible and create a PG-13 train wreck of a film with his 2004
original. Defying all odds, The Brothers Strause (don't ask) have puked
up a movie that's even worse with
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem.
The acting is laughably
bad, the dialog is worse and -- sin of all
sins -- the aliens and predator aren't cool (Predator), scary (Alien)
or both (Aliens).
The only thing this movie gets right is its R rating.
And by the time the film's finished you'll realize how little a rating
matters when the movie itself was created by talentless hacks who
should be taking your order at Burger King before you see the movie,
rather than working on the movie you're about to see.
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem is a franchise-killer. It's
not even good
enough to be as bad as a terrible straight-to-video teen slasher such
as, I'll
Always Know What You Did Last Summer. To those just
looking for some
fun action and gore -- look somewhere else. Most of the kills in AVP:R
are ultra-fast or off-screen. A few tiny snips and the film could have
been a PG-13. Even Paul W.S. Anderson's PG-13 AVP abomination left 2 of
the
greatest monsters in sci-fi history with a little bit of dignity
intact. The Brothers Strause, taking a break from making crappy special
FX in crappy movies like Fantastic
4: Rise of the Silver Surfer to instead direct a crappy
movie with crappy special FX, have absolutely no ability to
properly stage or
direct an action or suspense scene; making both creatures look like
B-grade monsters that should be hidden in a Black Lagoon somewhere.
The
Aliens aren't kept in the dark to create a mood -- they're kept there
to hide their low-budget appearance and their director's inability to
direct. The Predator stomps around like a WWE wrestler, grunting at
everyone and using blue ooze to melt victims in an attempt to cover his
tracks (but, at the same time, he skins other people alive and leaves
them hanging from trees for inept townsfolk to discover). Next time the
Predator race decide to send
only 1 of their peeps to represent, they may want to reconsider sending
the mentally handicapped guy in the bunch. Or was this the Alien and
Predator's version of the Special Olympics? It could have
been,
for all the audience knows, as the plot in this movie is non-existent.
As for the humans? They're clearly retarded. But who
cares? Obviously not the filmmakers. There's no believable human
character to follow, identify or empathize with. It's just some
30-year-old actors playing teenagers with a few older characters thrown
in to
attract the adult demographic who watched Alien and Predator movies
when they were still good. But the only reason this movie was made was
for opening weekend numbers. FOX doesn't give a shit about either
franchise anymore, so they hire the bottom feeders to direct and write
the things. And the only thing worse than the directing in this picture
is the writing.
You know it's over when Shane
Salerno is brought in as the writer. This guy is so pathetic that the
best movie he's written is Armageddon.
You read that correctly -- Armageddon
is the best he's done. The guys writing porn laugh at the shit this guy
puts out. He has no dramatic flow, no idea how to compose a decent
action scene and no reason to be working outside of custodial
services. Whose dick did this moron suck on to get a
screenwriting
career? He's a fresh zit on the already pockmarked face of Hollywood.
One that, after the disgraceful AVP: R, should be popped by even the
least creative of the suits running the studios.
There is nothing good to say about Alien
vs. Predator: Requiem. The best
thing anyone could get out of the damn film is a
refund. If you have any respect left for
either of these franchises or simply value your free time stay far, far
away from this movie. Hopefully the Strause brothers will stay just as
far away from a camera and Shane Salerno as far away from a keyboard,
before taking it upon themselves to defecate
all over another beloved film franchise.
