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Terminator Salvation
Review Written by: Alex Sandell

The unforgivably generic Terminator Salvation can be summed up in 3 words: Boring. Pointless. Gray. But why stop there when there's so much more wrong with the film?

First -- and worst -- the characters are as colorless as the color palette of the movie (gray, gray and slightly grayer), itself. The "angels" in Director McG's Charlie's Angels films' had more convincing motives and better development (even when you exclude all the implants) - and that's saying something. There is nothing in Terminator Salvation to make you care about the characters, or even get you to know or understand them. If you could count it, Christian Bale's ridiculous temper-tantrum while filming this movie would provide more character insight than all of the bullshit a few talentless hacks farted onto the page for this stupid Terminator wanna-be.

The first 2 films in the series (and, to a lesser extent, the 3rd) worked because you had a vested interest in whether or not the main characters lived or died. In Salvation the soulless machines have more personality than the humans fighting them.  Seriously, the metal bastards in zombie boots elicited more emotional response than the fleshbags vomiting out bad line after bad line, trying to make you care. Resident Evil: Extinction looks like a post-apocalyptic masterpiece compared to this piece of shit. The Road Warrior is cowering somewhere in embarrassment.

With the dialogue as bad as it was, I wondered if George Lucas was hired as a script-doctor, as this Terminator wanna-be contains some of the worst lines delivered in film since Jar Jar Binks uttered, "mesa so happy to see you!" Then I saw the screenwriters were the same as those behind Catwoman and I realized they didn't need George's help to make lines as laughable as the ones found in Salvation. Even the trademark lines, "I'll be back" and "come with me if you want to live" were turned into unintentional comedy when delivered. An audience hasn't laughed so hard over generic sci-fi lines since Yoda said, "
Around the survivors a perimeter create." in Attack of the Clones.

The story structure is abysmal, as the bulk of narrative and character conflict driving the film is never resolved. Cliffhanger, maybe ... but you won't give a flying used tampon what happens next. The movie never gives you a reason to hold on for the sequel.

You never even get to know who some of the characters are. Who is Ron Howard's daughter supposed to be, other than Ron Howard's daughter? I guess she got a job due to the sperm-lotto, but why? We see she's pregnant, but it has nothing to do with the film. It's window dressing like everything else. Underdeveloped. Cold. Cynical.

Terminator Salvation is a two-hour flick about how John Connor got scars on his face. That's it.  And if that's enough for you, you're not a Terminator fan, you're a Terminator junkie in need of some help (seriously, it's not that inventive). Even the television show (Sarah Connor Chronicles) provided more character moments and stuck closer to the look and feel of the original trilogy. And that starred some dude from Beverly Hills 90210!

Next time Warner Bros. decides to milk this once classic franchise out for cash, they should set their sites higher than hiring the crackpots behind Catwoman, Primeval, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Married with Children. The Terminator series used to mean something. Seriously, geeks would watch it and say, "That movie I just viewed meant something!" And they'd mean it. Not just because they were geeks, but because they were watching quality film.

This movie diminishes what came before in a way that a drunk, stoned and retarded George Lucas could have only dreamed of when creating the Star Wars' prequels. This is a franchise-killer. It is an embarrassment. This movie makes it hard to call yourself a Terminator fan. This movie is so awful, it guarantees we won't see another Terminator ... unless it's a remake. 

Terminator Salvation has all the substance of the 7-11 "Big Gulp" glasses that were made to promote it (and yes, they do manage to work a 7-11 product-placement into the film). With the entertaining Star Trek released two weeks before and Up out a week later, there is no reason that this one should warrant a rating anything above: AVOID.

3 Juicy squirts out of a maximum 10 ejaculations

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©2009 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without my permission and I'll sing a new song out to the lord of Westboro Baptist Church. Those mother fuckers are psycho, man!