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Guns as phallic symbols are plentiful in three dimensions
in the 3rd Killzone.

Killzone 3
Review Written by: Alex Sandell

As I have no life and can beat an entire game in a week (you should see how fast I can beat my average sized penis!), I've finished the Killzone 3 single-player campaign and spent over 10 hours playing online multiplayer (all modes). I played through the campaign using the Move controller (which is slightly bigger than my average sized penis). I played through part of the campaign again using the standard controller. I played through the entire campaign in 3D on my midlife crises (IE - 3DTV) and through part of it in 2D, to compare. So I've pretty much blown every whistle and rung every bell Sony included with this game (the only thing I haven't tried is the offline co-op -- as my friends grew out of non-fitness related games long, long ago). Here's what I thought of the entire thing:


Online Multiplayer. It's incredibly fun. Using the Move controller gives you better accuracy, which usually lands me in first or second place. I never land in first or second place in anything. Well, other than that one time at the Special Olympics. I think I received 2nd place in the "attendance" award. 

Single player campaign. Ignore the bitter, bullshit critics who are crying because they didn't get a chance to play it in 3D or they're butthurt that Master Chief now has some serious competition in the "space-related FPS" genre. Either that, or they were upset no one Called them to have a Duty (that was a play on words and a poop joke -- in case you missed it). This is in the top 10 best FPS titles ever made. Its set-pieces are similar to early Lucas or Spielberg movies in how EPIC they are. Think Raiders of the Lost Ark or any of the first 3 Star Wars' films. It's a really well put together game with more jaw-dropping moments than the last 3 Halo titles combined (not that one-upping Halo Wars, ODST and Reach is anything to write home about).

Move Controls. They work better than you could imagine (at least if you can't imagine much). They're better than the dual shock itself. It's the closest you're going to come to the keyboard/mouse experience on a console, without literally using a keyboard and mouse on a console. Very accurate. Very fun to play.

Graphics. Fuck you, Nintendo. Graphics DO matter. And the graphics in this game are pure awesomeness. Thought Killzone 2 looked great? This one looks even better.

The BAD:

Campaign too short (around 7 hours). If the single-player campaign ran 10-20 hours, I would have given Killzone 3 a 10 out of 10. I'm sure they'll have more of the game to sell us later (there's a "6 months later" moment in the game that feels created for DLC).

Lack of multiplayer maps. I'm not sure how many maps the game comes with, but with 10+ hours of online play time, I haven't seen more than 6 or 7. Not to mention, everyone memorizes one map and then keeps voting to play it over and over again, which is really annoying. Again, I'm sure they'll have plenty more maps to sell us later as DLC. Am I the only one noticing that to get a "full" game, you have to shell out around $120? Seems like sort of a scam. And by "sort of," I mean, "totally."

The UGLY ... er ... HELGHAST:

The 3D. The 3D works well enough. Some parts are worthy of popping a 3D-induced boner. One section had me screaming out to my girlfriend, "Now THIS is what 3D gaming's all about!" Then I felt like a geek. A geek wearing $100 3D glasses. Thinking back on it, it's hard to believe she's stayed with me this long.

The problem with the 3D is the nonstop crosstalk (it's worse in darker areas and cut scenes). If you're not all that familiar with 3D, crosstalk basically looks like you're having double (or even triple) vision. If Killzone 3 happened to be a porno movie, every man would have 2 cocks and every woman would have 4 boobs. This can be pretty problematic when you're staring at three crosshairs, when there's only supposed to be one. I just kept the, "hit the one in the middle" line from Rocky IV in mind (anything Rocky related after the 2nd is a sad thing to keep in mind). It's the worst crosstalk I've seen in a game or in a movie. Which sucks, because, had it not been wrecked by the crosstalk, it would have easily been the best 3D ever put into a game.

That said, if you have the chance, I'd recommend playing in 3D. At least a few of the scenes (especially the section where you're flying a spaceship -- that shit's 3Dgasm worthy). But for all the 3D hype, the game looks and plays just fine in 2D. I wouldn't invest in that 3DTV just yet -- at least not if you're doing so just for this game. On the other hand, I'd definitely invest in this game. If you're a fan of shooters; you won't be disappointed!

9 Juicy squirts out of a maximum 10 ejaculations

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©2011 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without my permission and I'll use my 3D double-dick to jab out both of your eyeballs!