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The Guns as
phallic symbols are plentiful in three
in the 3rd Killzone.
Review Written by: Alex Sandell
As I have no life and can beat an entire game in a week
(you should see how fast I can beat my average sized penis!),
I've finished the Killzone 3 single-player campaign and spent
over 10 hours playing online multiplayer (all modes). I played through
the campaign using the Move controller (which is slightly bigger than
my average sized penis). I played through part of the campaign again
using the standard controller. I played through the entire campaign in
3D on my midlife crises (IE - 3DTV) and through part of it in 2D, to
compare. So I've pretty much blown every whistle and rung every bell
Sony included with this game (the only thing I haven't tried is the
offline co-op -- as my friends grew out of non-fitness related games
long, long ago). Here's what I thought of the entire thing:
It's incredibly fun. Using the Move controller gives you better
accuracy, which usually lands me in first or second place. I never land
in first or second place in anything. Well, other than that one time at
the Special Olympics. I think I received 2nd place in the "attendance"
Single player campaign.
Ignore the bitter, bullshit critics who are crying because they didn't
get a chance to play it in 3D or they're butthurt that Master Chief now
has some serious competition in the "space-related FPS" genre. Either
that, or they were upset no one Called
them to have a Duty
(that was a play on words and a poop joke -- in case you missed
it). This is in the top 10 best FPS titles ever made. Its
set-pieces are similar to early Lucas or Spielberg movies in how EPIC
they are. Think Raiders
of the Lost Ark or any of the first 3 Star Wars' films.
It's a really well put together game with more jaw-dropping moments
than the last 3 Halo
titles combined (not that one-upping Halo Wars, ODST and Reach is anything
to write home about).
They work better than you could imagine (at least if you can't imagine
much). They're better than the dual shock itself. It's the closest
you're going to come to the keyboard/mouse experience on a console,
without literally using a keyboard and mouse on a console. Very
accurate. Very fun to play.
Fuck you, Nintendo. Graphics DO matter. And the graphics in this game
are pure awesomeness. Thought Killzone
2 looked great? This one looks even better.
BAD: Campaign too
short (around 7 hours). If the single-player
campaign ran 10-20 hours, I would have given Killzone 3 a 10 out of 10.
I'm sure they'll have more of the game to sell us later (there's a "6
months later" moment in the game that feels created for DLC).
Lack of multiplayer maps.
I'm not sure how many maps the game comes with, but with 10+ hours of
online play time, I haven't seen more than 6 or 7. Not to mention,
everyone memorizes one map and then keeps voting to play it over and
over again, which is really annoying. Again, I'm sure they'll have
plenty more maps to sell us later as DLC. Am I the only one noticing
that to get a "full" game, you have to shell out around $120? Seems
like sort of a scam. And by "sort of," I mean, "totally."
UGLY ... er ... HELGHAST: The 3D. The
3D works well enough. Some parts are worthy of popping a 3D-induced
boner. One section had me screaming out to my girlfriend, "Now THIS is
what 3D gaming's all about!" Then I felt like a geek. A geek wearing
$100 3D glasses. Thinking back on it, it's hard to believe she's stayed
with me this long.
The problem with the 3D is the nonstop crosstalk (it's worse in darker
areas and cut scenes). If you're not all that familiar with 3D,
crosstalk basically looks like you're having double (or even triple)
vision. If Killzone 3
happened to be a porno movie, every man would have 2 cocks and every
woman would have 4 boobs. This can be pretty problematic when you're
staring at three crosshairs, when there's only supposed to be one. I
just kept the, "hit the one in the middle" line from Rocky IV in mind
related after the 2nd is a sad thing to keep in mind). It's the worst
crosstalk I've seen in a game or in a movie. Which sucks, because, had
it not been wrecked by the crosstalk, it would have easily been the
best 3D ever put into a game.
That said, if you have the chance, I'd recommend playing in 3D. At
least a few of the scenes (especially the section where you're flying a
spaceship -- that shit's 3Dgasm worthy). But for all the 3D hype, the
game looks and plays just fine in 2D. I wouldn't invest in that 3DTV
just yet -- at least not if you're doing so just for this game. On the
other hand, I'd definitely invest in this game. If you're a fan of
shooters; you won't be disappointed!
squirts out of a maximum 10 ejaculations
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