The Ramones - Wanted

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Yellow Submarine



 Dead Singers, Retarded Queers and a Naked Guy On Flowers:
The 30 Juiciest Rock Albums Ever Created!
Written by:  Alex Sandell

The things I'll do for rock and roll. First, I had to pick my 30 favorite albums from the hundreds that I know and love.  No easy feat, in and of itself.  Second, I had to make it clear why I picked them, and share some personal stories about my sex life, just to keep things interesting.  Third, I had to write this lame introduction.  All in all, I spent a record 11 hours and 12 minutes creating this update without taking a single break to eat, sleep, shit, piss, snort or fuck.  I have a fairly eclectic taste in music, so I'm sure you'll all find a CD or 10 that you'll like in this list.  If so, click the "buy now" button by the CD of your choice and give Amazon some of your money.  In return, you get a great CD and I get a 3% commission that I can exchange for more CDs to add to an updated list in the future!  It's like the circle of life, or something.  Now, put on some earphones, crank up the music, and have a blast!

Album # 30

The Rolling Stones:
Sticky Fingers

Okay, so "Brown Sugar" has been played to death (I wouldn't be surprised if it popped up on an add for a granola bar -- a granola bar made out of heroin!), but there are a lot of rare gems on this album.  If you know rock, you know "Sister Morphine" is one of the most brutally honest songs about drug addiction ever recorded.  "Sticky Fingers" is The Rolling Stones at their most introspective.  The band was at a turning point and the sorrowful ballad "Wild Horses" shows these guys could emote with the best of them.  On the other hand, "Bitch" and the bittersweet revenge ditty, "Dead Flowers" show they're still the band that had chicks everywhere under their thumb.  And that's alright.

Album # 29

The Mr. T Experience:

This is easily the most hated Mr. T Experience album by most punk fans, probably because it isn't punk.  Dr. Frank, the band's lead-singer and guitarist, told me that was just the idea.  Anyone willing to alienate their core audience to satisfy their own personal whims is okay by me.  I was really digging the more experimental stuff Mr. T did in the early-90's, and was slightly disappointed by their dumbed-down return to the pop-punk sound found on fan favorite, "Love is Dead." "Alcatraz" is a welcome return to form for the band.  The guitar in the title track has so much power that I sometimes wonder if it could be used as an alternative source of energy (better than drilling in Alaska).   

Album # 28
The Beatles:
The White Album

That fucking song that keeps going "number 9, number 9, number 9" nearly caused me to knock this off the list, but with 30 songs, there's at least 2 full albums worth of classic material on this beast of an album.  The Beatles were all strung out while making it and you can almost get high just listening to the thing.  Weird songs about pigs, Charles Manson and glass onions.  The whole thing's a trip.  Except that damn "number 9, number 9, number 9" -- you'd have to be really stoned to get anything out of that one.  But 29 out of 30 ain't bad.  29 ... 29 ... 29 ....................... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Album # 27


I just about conveniently forgot about this album when compiling this list.  Rancid REALLY pissed me off when they turned into a boring ska band and started popping up on MTV.  I asked the band's bassist if we'd ever see Rancid become a bunch of trendy MTV sellouts and he crossed his arms and said, "not a chance" (maybe he was also crossing his fingers).  I had faith enough to buy a shirt from the guy.  I want my money back.  At least we still have the memories, and Rancid's debut CD is a damn good memory to have.  I didn't expect much when I entered the Down in the Valley record store in Golden Valley, Minnesota, and asked for the new CD with "those Operation Ivy guys playing on it," what I got was an incredible hardcore assault.  This album still has me jumping off of the walls, every time I put it on.  Not to be confused with the other Rancid album titled "Rancid."  That one's a big pile of shit.

Album # 26
Green Day:
American Idiot

It hurts me to include anything by Green Day on this list.  These American idiots were behind the selling out of punk rock.  But this concept album with its half-baked lyrics by its half-baked lyricist (Billy Joe) gets the job done.  Somehow they managed to rip off everything from Motley Crue to Johnny Cash, blend it all together like a frog in a blender and come up with a Shamrock Shake.  Of course since that time they've sold the rights to nearly every song on the album to every commercial company, movie studio and video game distributor known to man.  It takes something away from the whole "rebellion" thing when I hear a Green Day song on an episode of E.R.  Typical.

Album # 25

In Utero

It was easy to hate Nirvana when they brought grunge to the mainstream teeny-bop fucks that didn't deserve to hear it in the first place, but hating "In Utero" when it was released presented more of a challenge.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't convince myself that I thought it sucked.  Over the years, I've listened to it consistently, and those sellout bastards actually wormed their way into my top 25 list like that bullet inevitably wormed its way into Kurt's brain, putting to rest the argument of whether or not selling out for fame and fortune actually makes a person happy. 

Album # 24

White Trash, Two Heebs and a Bean

This album embodies everything that makes NOFX great:  the catchy hardcore, the funny, slightly insightful lyrics, and four guys with stomachs.  After "White Trash" the band's music started to get progressively worse, but this album was such an accomplishment it gave them a long way to fall.  Not to mention, "War on Errorism" was their first step back in the right direction in a long fucking time -- but that's a whole 'nother story.  If the songs from "White Trash" such as Please Play this Song on the Radio, Liza and Louise and, more than anything, Bob, don't have your toes tapping, you're either dead, or you should be.

Album # 22

Less Talk More Rock

I really thought these guys would be a one CD wonder.  "How could they ever top their amazing debut?" I asked myself, like a big nerd.  Propagandhi answered by giving me smarter lyrics, better playing, and distancing themselves from the NOFX-tinged sound of their first full-length album.  The guys would go on to lose their bassist, get a new bassist, and release another full-length 4 or 5 years later, but, although it was good (you can read my review for it here), it didn't even approach the greatness that was, "Less Talk".

Click on the link to buy Less Talk, More RockHelp "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!  

Album # 21

The Beatles:
Abbey Road

This is the final Beatles' album (unless you count the post-humus "Let it Be"), and they went out with a bang.  The album is jam-packed with gooey Beatles' goodness.  From the seductive introduction of Come Together to the final hums of, Her Majesty, we are shown just why The Beatles are considered, in millions of people's minds, to be the best rock band ever.  Pure pop genius.

Click on the link to buy Abbey Road ! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!  

Album # 20


If you close your eyes and ignore the horrifying cover, this album is chock-full of astounding songs that blew, and still blow (there was no way I could type that without it sounding like a reference to oral sex), his biggest hit, Purple Rain, straight out of the friggin' water.  When I bought this album in '88, Prince was already thought of as a gigantic has-been.  So, it was pretty embarrassing going to the counter with a Prince cassette, especially when I considered myself a big headbanger at the time, but to have to go to the counter as a teenage kid with a tape of a has-been who just happens to be NAKED, and sitting on a bunch of flowers, was, well, humiliating, to say the least.  As I drove home, questioning my sexuality the entire way, I listened to the cassette, and realized it was worth enduring every bit of the humiliation I went through to get a hold of this masterpiece.  It was experimental, it was funky, it was danceable, it was everything that a Prince album should be.  "There's no way Prince will ever top this," I said to myself.  Was I right?  To be continued . . .

Click on the link to buy Lovesexy! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!  

Album # 19

24 Hour Revenge Therapy

The name alone was indicative of the punk rock genius hidden within.  This album ran the gamut from energetic and happy to slow and heartbreaking.  It was so good the major labels even noticed, and released the next Jawbreaker album, which sucked so bad, the band broke up.  Stupid major labels.  Nevertheless, "24 Hour Revenge Therapy" contains my favorite song ever recorded, simply titled, Boxcar.  The one song alone is better than 10 ordinary CDs combined.  

Click on the link to buy 24 Hour Revenge Therapy! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!  

Album # 18

Rocket to Russia

1977 will forever be remembered as the year that gave us "Star Wars".  A smaller blip on the pop-culture radar was Ramones, "Rocket to Russia".  This entire album is like a bouncy fun punk rock beach party!   If you haven't heard it, you won't know what that means, but if you have, I'm sure you're putting on your best dancing shoes (Converse, of course), grabbing your surfboard and heading to Rockaway Beach!

Click on the link to buy Rocket to Russia [Expanded]! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!   

Album # 17

The Queers:
Love Songs for the Retarded

I had never even heard of these guys until I saw them open for Screeching Weasel back in 1993.  After the concert B-Face, the band's bassist, was hanging around chatting with his newfound fans.  My friend Jeff, and I, went up to him and said we had to have a copy of anything they were selling.  Apparently, we weren't the only ones who had made that request.  There was only one copy of the cassette left.  All CDs and LPs were already sold out.  It was apparent, that night, that this band would be big.  Jeff said to B-Face, "I just have to know who came up with that album title."  B-Face said, "I don't know, I think it was Ben (Weasel)".  It's a great record that The Queers have tried to recreate, but have yet to equal, time and time again, over the past 8 years.  A must have, even if you're not a retarded queer.

Click on the link to buy Love Songs for the Retarded! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!   

Album # 16

Stations of the CRASS

This album has the best lyrics ever written, hands down.  To this day, it is the lyric booklet to this CD that I pull out when I feel the need to make some point or another (dozens of friends and ex-friends will attest to this).  Sadly, I didn't hear this release until 1991, but ever since, I've been hooked.  This one spends more time in my CD player than it does in its case (and you wouldn't believe how tattered the booklet has become).  

Click on the link to buy Stations of the Crass! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!   

Album # 15

Cure for Pain

As I write this list, I'm noticing two really strange things:  1.  1993 was like the best year for music ever (4 albums out of the first 11 have been from that year) and 2.   I like lots of bands with dead singers (Nirvana, The Beatles, Ramones and now, Morphine).  I first discovered this band when a few songs off of the above album were played in the soundtrack of a movie about a kid fucking his mom (I have NO IDEA what the movie was, but I remember the kid fucks his mom in it).  The movie wasn't very good, but the songs were incredible.  I stuck around for the credits, remembered the name, "Morphine", and went out and got this CD the very same day.  Thank heaven for movies about incest!  This CD is spectacular.  The way the saxophone weaves around the lead singer's voice can almost charm you into a trance.  The only contact I had with the band is when I emailed them asking if they're going to become all boring and go on a major label.  They sent me back a smart-ass, bitchy letter, and then became all boring and went on a major label.  Now the lead singer's dead.  Makes ya stop and think. 

Click on the link to buy Cure for Pain! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!   

Album # 14

Alice Cooper:
Welcome to my Nightmare

This was Alice's first album as a soloist, and last album before he went all disco, forever tarnishing his image.  The album is a concept album, and is pretty freaky.  Songs about making love to dead people that you keep in your refrigerator, a schizo kid, and spiders taking over the world dominate the record, but it's all done with a wink and a smile.  Fun stuff.  

Click on the link to buy Welcome to My Nightmare! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!   

Album # 13

Motley Crue:
Too Fast For Love

This album is energetic, catchy as hell, and RAW.  Hair metal at its best.  Actually, probably the only time hair metal was any good, but I digress.

Click on the link to buy Too Fast for Love! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!   

Album # 12

Pink Floyd:
The Wall

When I think about it, I really hate Pink Floyd.  Everything prior to "The Wall" sucked (yes, even the supposed "classic", "Dark Side of the Moon"), and everything since "The Wall" was crap.  So, that leaves us with "The Wall".  This is a haunting record that nearly every teenager has put on and cried to, at one point or another.  Although I don't play this CD very often, it is the first thing I pull out on special occasions, such as when a best friend dies, or a girl dumps me.  Yes, it's THAT depressing.  A musical and lyrical masterpiece that should not be ignored.

Click on the link to buy The Wall (Deluxe Packaging Digitally Remastered)! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!   

Album # 11

Leonard Cohen:
The Best of Leonard Cohen

Consistently, Leonard Cohen is the best lyricist that has ever lived.  No one can write a love sonnet quite like he can.  No one can put heartbreak into words the way that he does.  This CD is one "best of" that actually lives up to its name.  I own all of Leonard's albums, and I can say, without reservation, that this is the best collection of his songs available to date.  Please note that I am not saying that all his best songs are on this CD.  Far from it.  Cohen has never disappointed me.  His music and words are brilliant.  And about that "Leonard Cohen VS Bob Dylan" debate that continues to rage in the folk community; Leonard wins, now, can we move on?

Click on the link to buy The Best of Leonard Cohen! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!    

Album # 10

Screeching Weasel:
My Brain Hurts

I was living with my now ex-girlfriend at the time this was released, and I remember how much we were both looking forward to the record, being that MRR kept praising it like it was the second coming of Christ.  When it finally became available in the Minneapolis area, my girlfriend drove to this inner-city record shop (the only place you could find punk rock back then was in the ghetto.  It wasn't until Green Day hit that you could run down to Best Buy or Wal-Mart and pick up a copy of the newest "underground" punk release.) and purchased it (for $6.99.  I still have the price tag stuck to the cover).  When I got home from the shitty job I was working at to pay for our punk rock habit, we put the CD in and were immediately . . . disappointed.  Still, we put it in again, and again, and again, and, before you can say, "grows on you like a fungus", I began to worship the damn thing.  Unfortunately, my girlfriend never got into it.  I dumped the bitch.

Click on the link to buy My Brain Hurts! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!    

Album # 9

The Beatles:
Rubber Soul

This album is where The Beatles were in the process of crossing over from the 50's remake stuff to the 60's psychedelic junk.  This awkward phase, where they were sort of stuck between teen idols and hippy idealists was their best moment, and it's captured here, on this record.  The songs are, like most of the stuff The Beatles did, catchier than genital warts, and one can never underestimate the cool irony of future hippy and feminist, John Lennon, singing, "I'd rather see you dead little girl than to be with another man.  Hide your head in the sand little girl, or you won't know where I am.  I mean every word I said, baby I'm determined and I'd rather see you dead.  Run for your life if you can little girl, catch you with another man, that's the end . . . little girl." 

Click on the link to buy Rubber Soul! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!   

 Album # 8

Alice Cooper:
Billion Dollar Babies

The Alice Cooper band is possibly the most underrated group of musicians to ever put music to vinyl.  This album is proof-positive that Alice Cooper was a hell of a lot more than just image.  This group could write some REALLY good songs.  From a tune about Alice the man getting raped by a woman, to a song about loving the dead, to the bisexual ode to Alice's lover, Mary "I thought you were my man" Ann, this album is full of twists and surprises and some damn fine rock and roll.  If you haven't heard it, well, you don't know jack about rock.  (I still have that "you don't know jack" crap in my mind thanks to AMC's Monsterfest.)

Click on the link to buy Billion Dollar Babies! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music! 

 Album # 7

A bunch of people:
The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack

This soundtrack is so good it's nearly painful.  There's nothing here not to like.  This movie doesn't play in nearly every big city every weekend because of the plot.  Nearly all of the songs featured on the disc melt me with memories, and some of the lyrics make me nostalgic for things that I have never even experienced; now that's powerful songwriting.  Why can't it be Halloween every day?

Click on the link to buy The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music! 

 Album # 6

Guns N' Roses:
Appetite For Destruction

It was 1987 and every metal magazine had one critic or another BEGGING heavy metal fans to buy this album.  At the time, the band was so unknown, a friend of mine had to drive out of state to find a copy of their tape (this was before you could order rare crap on the Internet).  When he brought it over to my place, and shoved the cassette into the generic boombox I got for Christmas a couple of years earlier, we both nearly went into shock.  WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS?  We had been listening to KISS, and Alice Cooper, and Motley Crue, and Ozzy Osbourne.  This was nothing like any of that.  This was HEAVY.  It wasn't Slayer heavy, but we didn't dig the crap like Slayer, anyway (even though we did like Suicidal Tendencies).  This was powerful.  I remember we were so excited over the frequent use of the "F" word, that I actually took it upon myself to write down the number of times Axl said "fuck."  As I was doing this, I received a call telling me that one of my best friends had accidentally hung himself, in an attempt to get high, and was living on life-support.  About five days later, I was called again, and they said my friend was taken off of life-support, and his organs were donated, so his death wasn't in vain.  Writing about this all now, almost 15 years later, still brings a tear to my eye, and only one other memory sticks out, from that traumatic time; Guns N' Fucking Roses!  Their anger and rage got me through my confusion and sadness.  A few months later I saw Alice Cooper in concert for my first time, and Guns N' Roses were opening.  By that time, "Welcome to the Jungle" was catching on, and I remember there were just as many Guns N' Roses shirts as there were Alice Cooper.  What a fucking show.  Even though I had strep-throat, it was still one of the greatest nights of my life.  And, when it comes to Guns N' Roses, even screaming through the vile STREP became oh so fuckin' easy!  After Guns N' Roses I couldn't bring myself to go back to the dull heavy metal I was listening to, but there wasn't enough good metal to keep me satisfied, that's when, and how, I found the Ramones, who led me through a door that Guns N' Roses had opened, and took me into a whole new world . . . punk rock.  I never looked back.

Click on the link to buy Appetite for Destruction! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music! 

Album # 5

The Rainbow Children

Way back on album # 20, my past self claimed that there was "no way" Prince would surpass the greatness that was "Lovesexy".  I wondered then, if I was right, and left the review with a "to be continued."  Here, for your reading pleasure, is the continuation, and the answer is "no, I wasn't right.  Prince CAN, and did, surpass the greatness that was 'Lovesexy'." It took him 13 years, but with "The Rainbow Children", he finally did it!  It is Prince you can thank for this update.  I have been planning to write this thing since the first day The Juicy Cerebellum went online, five years ago, but I wanted to wait until an album that was released during the time The Juicy Cerebellum was online made it into my top 10 favorites.  Five years later, an album finally has.  Prince's, "The Rainbow Children" makes up for the five years of mediocre drivel that's passed itself off as rock n' roll. This album is truly revolutionary!  It's the next step in the rock world.  It's so unique, so experimental, controversial and bold, that it is literally on another level from every other release listed here.  You have not heard anything like this.  Sure, anything revolutionary uses variations of the old and tired to make something fresh and new, but it's rare that anyone actually comes up with something worthwhile enough that it rethinks what rock and roll can do as an art form.  The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix and Dylan did it in the sixties.  The Ramones did it in the seventies.  Guns N' Roses did it in the eighties.  Nirvana did it in the nineties.  And now Prince, yes PRINCE, does it at the close of 2001 (the album is scheduled to be released to the general public November 20th)!  There's really something magic going on in this CD.  Because it's something so inimitable, it's hard for me to describe what it is.  Prince has never been better on the guitar (and that's saying something).  His band wails.  There are so many layers to this album, that I can't even begin to describe them all.  I only got a hold of a copy of this 4 days ago, but I've already heard it over 15 times.  This isn't an easy album.  The lyrics are harsh and confusing, and come off as sort of cultish.  There are no breaks between songs.  Nothing jumps out as immediately catchy, but it all appears incredibly complex, at first maybe too complex.  This isn't something you'll pick up and instantly LOVE.  It's something that will immediately intrigue you, and you won't be able to resist going back to try and figure out the mysteries contained therein.  Soon, you'll begin to appreciate it, and then start to understand it, and then, finally, you will enjoy it, and realize that rock and roll hasn't grown stagnant, and isn't stuck in a rut, rock and roll is still capable of growing, and hopefully "The Rainbow Children" is merely a springboard for the next generation of rock music.  Either that, or it will be filed away into obscurity, without anyone really taking notice, while MTV focuses on Britney Spears' videos.  Oh well.

Click on the link to buy The Rainbow Children! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music! 

Album # 4

The Mr. T Experience:
Milk Milk Lemonade

I had been a "somewhat" fan of The Mr. T Experience prior to this release, way back nearly 10 years ago.  I liked "Making Things With Light" and thought, "Everyone's Entitled to Their Own Opinion" was pretty snappy, but they didn't really grab me by the balls and make me holler for more.  That all changed when I bought, "Milk Milk Lemonade".  I actually told a friend that this would be, "Mr. T's last chance" when I bought it.  I brought it home, put it on my record player, and fucking HATED it.  I just despised it.  I actually tried to bring it back and exchange it for a different album.  Luckily, the store would have none of that, and so I brought it home and spun it again, since I paid for the damn thing, and suddenly I realized that it was good.  It was really good.  The strange lyrics all started sort of meaning something.  Suddenly, The Mr. T Experience tied with Cringer and Ramones as my favorite band.  For the next 3 years, Mr. T was almost all I played.  I had every song memorized ten times over.  I could sing these things while walking backward, blindfolded, chewing gum, patting my head and rubbing my stomach.  Needless to say, this album earned its spot in the top five rock albums ever made.

Click on the link to buy Milk, Milk, Lemonade! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!  

Album # 3

J Church:
Camels, Spilled Corona, and the Sound of Mariachi Bands


Yet another great release from '93.  J Church is simply a new name for the band Cringer.  Although they're extremely close, I actually prefer Cringer's stuff, but it's not in this list, because they only had one full-length album, which I liked, but didn't love, and the rest of their really GREAT stuff was released on 7"'s, and I'm not counting those in this list.  Anyway, as I was saying, J Church consists of the bassist, guitarist and singer from Cringer.  Lance Hahn is the greatest "woe-is-me" lyricist in the punk rock world.  The band is pretty poppy, but their politics, rawness and DIY attitude should keep even hardcore punks satisfied (unless they buy the new album, which is REALLY wimpy).  If you count Cringer as J Church, which you should, because I do, and of course you want to be like me, they were one of the first three underground, NON-MAJOR LABEL punk bands I got into (if you count Descendents as "underground," which you shouldn't, because I don't, and of course you want to be like me, I actually got into them first).  The other two were Monsula and, ironically enough, Green Day.  This was back in '88 or '89 and Cringer was my favorite, right from the start.  To this day, J Church and Cringer probably get the most play on my record player of any punk band, with possible exception made for The Ramones

Album # 2

Alice Cooper:
Love it to Death


"Ballad of Dwight Fry" (based on horror actor Dwight Frye, and his role as Renfield in the 1931 version of Dracula).  'Nuff said.

Click on the link to buy Love It to Death! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music! 

Album # 1



This is the one that started it all.  People were dabbling in gritty experimental stuff before the Ramones, but the Ramones created punk rock as we know it.  This is one of those times where the original is still the best.  It is impossible to grow tired of this album.  I must have listened to this thing 3 million times, and I still like it as much as I did the very first time I heard it.  It's raw, it's uncompromising, it's short, it's punk as fuck!  If you don't get it, well, you just don't get it.  "I'm hip, daddy-O, I'm into the Ramones!"

Click on the link to buy Ramones [Expanded]! Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!  Help "The Juicy Cerebellum" stay alive, AND get some great music!  

And that's that!  I'd like to give honorable mention to Sloppy Seconds, a band that I completely forgot about when creating this list, and that should have 2 albums in the top 26, 1 of them in the top 10, which would actually make my top 26 my top 28, or something like that. 

So, did you agree with any of my picks?  Do you think there's anything I left out, that you would have added?  Let me know!

2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  If you copy this, without my permission, I'll go ballistic and poke your eye out with a Vis-a-Vis!

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