How to Become an
Actress in 3 Easy Steps
Written by: Alex Sandell
Step # 1:
The "wouldn't you just love it if I stopped making this fist" approach. Step number one teases the audience. Sort of like handing someone the best tasting sandwich ever, but only letting them sniff it. People will be back looking for more.
The "clingy dress" approach. Step number two works best if you have really big boobs and a nice ass. If you don't, the "baggy enough that I hope you won't notice" approach should be considered as an alternative.
Step # 3:
The "I'm so damn sexy I can even make a really stupid outfit look good" approach. This third step is the most important, being that it shows your versatility as an actress, and lets Hollywood know you can expand as an artist.
There you have it. Now, go out and be a star. "I'm not beautiful enough," you say? Well, then just stay home and watch videotapes like the rest of us.
Text ©Copyright 1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Please do not copy this. If you can get me a date with the beautiful Salma Hayek (actress in the 3 photos above), maybe we'll talk.
Back to the table of brains 1998
Back to the mind-map.