In the middle of trying to pick up a chick, using the infamous, "you know what would look best on you?  Me." line (it works an amazing 1% of the time), the voice of Jesus echoed throughout the bar (or maybe it was just the Jesus looking karaoke guy attempting "I Got You Babe" with his sock puppet):  "why haven't you ever let your brothers give their opinions on films? . . . babe." Karaoke Jesus asked, "wouldn't it give added dimension to the reviews at The Juicy Cerebellum? . . . babe."  Karaoke Jesus then went on to start a bar brawl by screaming taunts such as, "what? You hate your brothers? You think they're not worthy of your 'greatness?' . . . babe."  Stupid Karaoke Jesus and his Christ-like taunts.  

Still, the Son of God, or at least the sock puppet on the Son of God's right hand, was onto something; there are three of us, I thought to myself, as Christ's sock puppet dealt a hard upper-right to my face, and we don't always agree, so it would be a far more objective, and insightful, review of a film than my simply doing a critique all by myself, like most of the overpaid, self-important critics do.  So, after getting creamed by The Lord's sock, I got my overly-eager brothers together and asked them what they thought of the celluloid they had mentally ingested during the year of 2001.  

Like me, they have yet to see every film released during the past year, so when there is an "N/A" in a certain spot, that means that my brothers, or myself, have yet to see the movie (but want to), or that we couldn't make up our minds on what we thought about the film in question.  When you see a film with ALL N/A's, that means we have yet to see the movie.  

Please keep in mind that we live in a town so small, that a theater owner can actually get a two year restraining order against a person for requesting (not demanding) that he play better movies.  A town so small that your neighbor is your community.  And, finally, a town so small that I was just carded for a PG-13 movie (I'm not kidding) when I tried to rent Planet of the Apes.  

Obviously,  it is extremely hard to view any art house films until they are out on cable (the video stores here consider Ace Ventura: Pet Detective "art house").  I do receive screenings for art house films, but they're 3 hours away, and they start at 10:00 or 10:30 AM, and I'm not one to get up at 6 in the morning to drive 3 hours, watch a movie, and drive 3 hours home, although I do make the journey, on rare occasion.  

In the meantime, you'll have to look over what my brothers and I did have a chance to watch during the year of 2001, and what our opinions on the marketed-for-the-masses films were (there are a few art house films scattered throughout, when I did manage to get my ass out of bed, and down to Minneapolis).  Within the next couple of months ALL the "art house" films will be included (I always find a way to get to every one before the Academy Awards).  

I'm starting with the "A," B," and "C" movies, and will then do three letters worth of films per day, so you geeks will have to wait a few days before you get your final, LOTR: FOTR reviews.  Who knows?  Maybe my brothers will like it better than I did.  I highly doubt it, being that they have taste, and aren't geeks, but it could happen.  In the meantime, enjoy the "A", "B," and "C" (in alphabetical order) films!

Note:  I'd explain the chart, but it's pretty self-explanatory.  Where there is a full review of a film available, there will be a link to it.

"A" "B" and "C"
Films of 2001

A.I. Artificial Intelligence

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 9 Kubrick and Spielberg should have teamed up years ago . . . preferably before Kubrick died. Click here to read full review.
The Almighty Matt Sandell 8 Was a nearly perfect movie until the last 30 minutes, which were too sappy and long.
The Almighty Ben Sandell 8 Captures the Kubrick feel but none of the Spielberg charm.

Overall Rating:  8.3

 

Along Came a Spider

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell N/A N/A
The Almighty Matt Sandell 7 Predictable but still entertaining.
The Almighty Ben Sandell 5 A cheap thrill. Can't Morgan Freeman do anything else?

Overall Rating:  6

Amelie

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 5 Subtitles make the snooty, artsy-fartsy type get dumb real quick.  That's the only reason Amelie is even being considered Oscar material.  If you didn't have to read the movie, those uppity ladies and gents claiming that it's a work of art would have realized that it's nothing but a "very special" episode of Ally McBeal.  You could slap subtitles on Dumb and Dumber, and it would win Best Picture.  Still, as with Ally McBeal, there are some damn funny moments, and Audrey Tautou's puppy dog eyes and other exaggerated facial expressions do manage to charm you, no matter how calculated they are.  
The Almighty Matt Sandell N/A N/A
The Almighty Ben Sandell N/A N/A

Overall Rating:  5

 

American Pie 2

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 9 One of the funniest flicks of the summer.  Fuck what the snooty mainstream critics think. Click here to read full review.
The Almighty Matt Sandell 9 The band scene was one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen.
The Almighty Ben Sandell 7 Seemed like a repeat of the first with some improvements.

Overall Rating:  8.3

 

Apocalypse Now Redux

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 4 Just when you thought it couldn't get any more tedious . . .
The Almighty Matt Sandell N/A N/A
The Almighty Ben Sandell N/A N/A

Overall Rating:  4

 

Atlantis:  The Lost Empire

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 8 Disney tried to go adult, but couldn't quite grow up.  A fun ride, nonetheless. Click here to read full review.
The Almighty Matt Sandell 4 Good first half, pile of crap second half that you've seen a hundred times before.
The Almighty Ben Sandell 7 The first half is really good but the second half was boring and typical.

Overall Rating:  6.3

 

Beautiful Mind, A

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 8 Chop off the last 30 minutes and this would be a great movie, even if it does resemble Fight Club a bit much.  It's still a damn fine film that should leave you smiling, if a little bored, during the, "please shed a tear so we can win an Oscar" moments.  
The Almighty Matt Sandell 7 Great acting but a bit draggy.
The Almighty Ben Sandell 6 Inspiring story, but boring.

Overall Rating:  7

Black Hawk Down

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 10 There is no way I could put into words how much I love Ridley Scott's directing.   Try to describe how an orgasm feels.  I bet you can't.  Well, it's the same with Scott's directing.  Black Hawk Down comes off to me as the end of a superb trilogy of mayhem Scott began with Gladiator, continued with Hannibal and now completed with Black Hawk Down.  It's a bloody, dark trilogy, and it isn't for the meek.  It isn't for the optimists.  It's a trilogy for the cynics, the psychos and true film connoisseurs.  Scott's directing has always been good, but in these last three films, it has become far more pronounced, louder, more intense.  Thanks to Ridley Scott's directing, Black Hawk Down is beautiful in its ugliness, and sad in its beauty.  Thanks to Black Hawk Down, I can now say that Ridley Scott is planet earth's greatest living director.
The Almighty Matt Sandell 5 Like the true life event, this movie shouldn't have happened.
The Almighty Ben Sandell 4 People shoot guns, that's about it.

Overall Rating:  6.3

 

Brotherhood of the Wolf

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 6 It's kind of good but it's kind of boring and I saw it at 10:30 AM, so I might have liked it better if it was screened at a decent hour.  Sort of a little bit of a rip off of everything genre fans love.  Totally unique for a French film.
The Almighty Matt Sandell N/A N/A
The Almighty Ben Sandell N/A N/A

Overall Rating:  6

 

Bridget Jones's Diary

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 5 Formulaic drivel with the word "fuck" said a lot.  You've seen this one plenty of times before, just without so many "fucks," and Julia Roberts was usually starring in it.
The Almighty Matt Sandell N/A N/A
The Almighty Ben Sandell N/A N/A

Overall Rating:  5

Cats and Dogs

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 6 Probably sucked more than I'm giving it credit for, but I hate cats, and dogs are portrayed as the good guys.  The bad pussy was a bit more harsh than I expected, which was a pleasant surprise.
The Almighty Matt Sandell 3 Even though I'm a dog person and this movie had the dogs as the good guys, it was still shitty.
The Almighty Ben Sandell N/A N/A

Overall Rating:  4.5

Curse of the Jade Scorpion, The

The Almighty Sandell's: 1-10 rating (10 being the best): Comments:
The Almighty Alex Sandell 8 Whenever I think Woody Allen has completely lost it, he makes a little comeback.  Any true fan of a good Woody (that sounded wrong), knows that his last film, Small Time Crooks was absolutely dreadful.  The poor marketing DreamWorks did for The Curse of the Jade Scorpion made me think Woody was washed up, and that this film would be another dud.  Quite the contrary.  This is NOT classic Woody Allen, but it's a damn fun little film filled with classic Woody MOMENTS.  It's well, well, well worth a rental, and it puts Mr. Allen back in the game.  I really had a blast with this movie.  If you have a taste for dry humor mixed with comedy hijinks, all slapped together in a far-fetched story created solely for laughs, you should, too.
The Almighty Matt Sandell N/A N/A
The Almighty Ben Sandell N/A N/A

Overall Rating:  8

 

 

Now that you know your A B C's, IT'S TIME TO HEAD ON OVER TO THE WONDERFUL D, E AND F SECTION OF THIS MIRACULOUS SERIES!

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All text, title graphic and end graphic are Copyright 2002 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  I don't know why you'd want to copy other people's opinions in the first place (but that is what made Lord of the Rings a hit), but if you do, for some pathetic reason, you must contact me first, and get my permission!

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