Santa Claus Found Dead In New York City Apartment
3:47 A.M. December 25th, 1997
It is The Juicy Cerebellum's sad duty to report the beloved Santa Claus has been found dead on this tragic Christmas day. After making his rounds, and delivering toys to all the boys and girls across the world in a record 3.5 hours, Santa decided he had time to make a "pit-stop" in New York City, where he occasionally "spends time" with an unnamed whore, says the unnamed whore, who won't give us her name. "Santa has a thing for pierced tongues," she says, "and Mrs. Claus just wouldn't get hers done, so he occasionally looked toward me, to fulfill his fetish."
Mr. Claus was discovered by his elf, Rudy, who joined Santa in his toy-giving "binge." "He was wearing nothing but pajama bottoms, and a goofy smile," claims Rudy. "I knew that if it wasn't the heroin problem that did him in, it would be the extramarital affair. Santa just wasn't a man who could do things in moderation." Surprisingly, Mrs. Claus seems to agree. "He was my husband, and I loved him, but he just didn't know when to say 'enough is enough.' The poor guy had a huge heart, but no heart can withstand the abuse that he inflicted upon it." When asked about Santa's affair, Mrs. Claus refused to comment, but proceeded to grab hold of her tongue and stand on her head.
"The guy was a fucking nut-job," reports a bitter Rudolph, nose glowing brightly enough to light up an entire cathedral. "He worked us like slaves," Vixen chimes in. All Reindeer seem to be in agreement that the deceased Claus was a "fanatic" that went "crazy" once a year, and decided to start giving toys to people, for no apparent reason. "He claims this Reindeer abuse was needed to celebrate the birth of Christ, so it's fitting that on the very same day, we celebrate the death of Santa," growls Rudolph, while taking a dump.
Seeking Santa supporters, a disillusioned Juicy Cerebellum interviewed nearly every elf employed by Mr. Claus. "Get over it, the guy was a spaz. If I didn't design a toy just right, he'd kick me across the room," says an elf who wishes to remain anonymous. "He really did abuse his employees," slurs Mrs. Claus, tongue freshly pierced, "that famous suit of his was red for a reason, the man, bless his soul, had quite a temper." The Juicy Cerebellum failed to find anyone on the North Pole, willing to go on record with a positive comment.
It is assumed that Mr. Claus died of a heart attack, but an autopsy is being done Monday to rule out the possibility of drugs, alcohol, or eggnog. The Juicy Cerebellum will keep its readers updated, as more news comes in. For now, it looks like this is one Christmas that won't be too "merry."
-Juicy Cerebellum Press Syndicate
©1997 Alex Sandell [all rights reserved].
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