My Friends are All Old and Sucky
Written by: Alex Sandell

Just bought myself a ticket to the 12:01 AM showing of Saw III.  I would have gone to the screening, but somehow my pass never arrived in the mail.  That seems to happen a lot. 

I think the mailman hates me. 

Or maybe it's the agency sending the passes.  Which is odd, being that I'm about the only critic alive who gave both Saw films a positive review (see my review of Saw here and my review of Saw II here).  But now I'm just making a whole lotta sense and what does sense and PR firms have to do with one-another? 

Prior to buying tickets, I called up my handful of friends and relatives to ask if anyone wanted to go with me to the movie.  I received one of two answers:  "I'm sick of horror movies" or "I have to work in the morning."  One person answered with, "What's Saw III and how did I miss the first two?" but he's completely out of touch and hasn't picked up a movie on DVD since it was on VCR and hasn't purchased a CD since they were on LP.

My friends have all "grown up."  That's probably the most depressing thing to happen since the Holocaust.  Or at least since McDonald's stopped selling the McRib.  I'm turning into a former young American.  And, while my friends are all starting to act their age, I'm still sitting here blogging and bitching about my friends maturing at a normal pace. 

Okay, the ones working in the morning I can understand.  A movie -- unless it's a Star Wars, Indiana Jones or a rare midnight showing of a Charlie Chaplin classic -- isn't worth losing sleep over.  But to those that don't have an excuse, other than, "I'm sick of horror movies" -- well, you're my friends, so I guess I'll have to bite my tongue and avoid saying all the things I want to say. 

"Bite my tongue."  Something an adult would do.  Now I'm scaring me.  Much more than Saw III ever will.   

No matter how old you are, how can sitting in a sold-out theater with an eager audience willing to scream their lungs out be a bad thing?  How can that not be fun?  How could you grow out of having a good time or start thinking that times are only good if they happen before 10PM and don't feature, "strong grisly violence and gore, sequences of terror and torture, nudity and language" (the reasons the MPAA rated Saw III an R)?

"Strong grisly violence and gore."

How fun is that in a fictional setting?  Covering our eyes and screaming, "Oh no you don't!" and "Don't go there!" is a blast -- even for the "elderly."

"Sequences of terror and torture."

It's your patriotic duty as an American to watch this movie!  With the Torture Bill passing the House and Senate; Saw III is as pro-USA as you can get!  Bring a flag to wave as the torment begins!  Maybe the Republicans will supply them at the door at taxpayer cost.  I'm sure Resident Bush has already ordered a copy of the film for a private screening upon hearing about the aforementioned sequences.  Booyah!

"Nudity."

Oh come now.  No matter how old you are, nudity is always fun.  A little T&A never hurt anyone (unlike a little torture).  You pay for the horror and you stay for the titties.  If she's too naked, you're too old, d00d!  And if you don't spell "d00d" with a couple of zeros, instead of a "u" and an "e," you're even more too old (older?)!

"Language."

Who doesn't like a good swear?  I haven't met a person -- no matter how "moralistic" -- who hasn't muttered a curse or two.  You're never too old for foul language.  As a matter of fact, the older you get the less you seem to give a fuck what words you utter.  Even in front of the cute nurse who's watching you as you take a big dump in your adult diapers.

I've made my case.  Horror movies are fun, no matter how old you are or what sort of undergarments you're wearing.  The solitary ticket I pre-ordered is bringing me down.  Back when my friends were young and hip, I never had a problem getting a few of them to go to the latest Scream film -- and they loved every minute of each one of them! 

Isn't this whole 'net thing about making friends?  Anyone in the Minneapolis area wanting to go to the 12:01 AM showing of Saw III with me tonight, let me know.  If you're reading this, you're automatically invited. 

Hell, as long as you're 18 and can still find the fun in life, you're welcome to come along and enjoy the show.  This isn't a fake invite.  If you want to go, get in touch with me through email, through instant messenger, or by yelling loud enough that I can hear you from miles away. 

I don't care if you're male, female or mutant.  Just as long as you love movies.  Even movies playing late at night with "strong grisly violence and gore, sequences of terror and torture, nudity and language."  I'm serious about the "18" thing, though.  I'm not about to play your "parent or guardian."  I'm not mature enough to take that step in my life.

Either way, I'll have a review up for you guys by Friday morning.  Unless my arthritis kicks in so bad I can't type.  Arthritis:  "Inflammation of a joint or joints resulting in pain and swelling.  Often associated with old age."

Ouch.

email me! now! thanks.

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