Alternate endings to Scream 3

The End of Scream 3 as we Know It . . . Is a Lie!
Written by: Alex Sandell

Scream 3, whether you loved it, or hated it, you were most likely disappointed with the lame ending. It seems that you can't read a single review, positive or negative, without the author complaining about how horrible this finale actually is. Fortunately for Scream fans, The Juicy Cerebellum has found out, through extensive research and reliable contacts, that there were actually seven endings created for the film, and that the one the audience saw was a red herring, meant to throw off Internet spies, and was left on the movie by mistake. Unfortunately, Dimension films didn't realize this mistake until they had sent out over 3,000 prints of the film, and it was too late to take it back. So, what each of us ended up watching was nothing but the "Trick Six" ending that was never meant to be viewed by the general public. That should explain, to some extent, why what we saw was so pitiful. Here, for the first time, are the six real endings, featuring their respective killers in bold print. No one is sure which was going to be used in the final film, but it is rumored that it is the one featuring Randy (the last on this page).

*WARNING* As much as I tried to avoid them, there are a few spoilers in this update, so, if you want everything in Scream 3 to be a surprise, I wouldn't recommend reading this until after you've seen the movie.

Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres
Hollywood's most popular lesbian couple feel slighted when they are not offered cameos in Stab 3. Feeling that they were unjustly ignored by the studio, due to rampant homophobia, Ellen and Anne reveal, during the Scooby-Doo like ending, that they went on a killing spree to insure production was stopped on the film they so badly wanted to make out in. In a slick bit of irony, Sidney ends up killing the two by repeatedly hitting them over the head with Ellen and Where the Boys Aren't videotapes. "No faggy lesbo is going to accuse me of being homophobic," she says, not realizing that her comment itself was, indeed, very homophobic.

Captain Kirk and that guy from Felicity
When asked where he found an item so high-tech it could make his voice sound like anyone, the guy from Felicity reveals, during the Scooby-Doo like ending, that he traveled to the 23rd Century and stole the technology from the Starship Enterprise. After admitting this, Captain Kirk walks out in another "Ghost Face" mask and reveals that he is the second killer, and allowed the guy from Felicity to help him kill the entire Enterprise crew, because that way he would be "the only star left in the galaxy." In a slick bit of irony, Sidney ends up killing the two by strangling each of them with Felicity star Keri Russell's shorn locks. "May the Force be with this," she says, not realizing that she's killing someone from Star Trek, not Star Wars.

Jay and Silent Bob
After their success with the movie Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob reveal, during the Scooby-Doo like ending, that they needed the sort of crossover appeal that could only come from a celebrity killing spree. Jay also says that he's had a "constant woody for that Campbell bitch." Silent Bob doesn't say anything, but wears a slimming trench-coat. In a slick bit of irony, Sidney ends up killing the two hormone-drenched characters by seducing them and giving each of them AIDS. "Now who's on top?" she asks, while having sex with the two, not realizing how idiotic it sounds, being that she's on the bottom.

Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold
The two Columbine gunmen reveal, during the Scooby-Doo like ending, that they didn't actually commit suicide, and that the bodies authorities found were "mannequins with lots of ketchup on them." Klebold and Harris claim that they had originally planned on hiding out in JonBenet Ramsey's parent's basement "where anyone can get away with murder," until the "wake of the Columbine tragedy" ended, but, upon seeing there was no end in sight, decided to "kill some famous people" so politicians and the media could finally "focus on something new, for a change." In a slick bit of irony, Sidney ends up killing the two by repeatedly hitting them over the head with a Doom video game. "Now you're playing with power!" she says, not realizing that that was an old Nintendo slogan, and had nothing to do with ID software, or any of its computer games.

Sidney, Gale and Dewey
The three main stars of all three Scream films reveal, during the Scooby-Doo like ending, that they've all killed "a person or two," along the way. In a slick bit of irony, the three end up killing themselves, out of guilt. "This is like Heaven's Gate without the UFO," says Sidney, before offing herself with vodka and barbiturates.

Randy the Beloved Film Geek who was killed in Scream 2
Randy the beloved film geek's death in Scream 2 was a big surprise to most of the audience. An even bigger surprise is when he returns in part 3, revealing, during the Scooby-Doo like ending, the final rule of a horror movie . . . "the killer never dies." In a slick bit of irony, Sidney ends up killing him by revealing the final rule of a Scream movie . . . "the heroes always win." Randy is immediately vaporized and Wes Craven secretly signs on to direct Scream 4: A New Beginning. "I'm still the one with the contract," Neve says, not realizing that her contract is up at the end of this film.

And there you have it, the six endings we didn't see. Two of my sources tell me that these will all be released along with the DVD. One can only hope . . .

You can email Alex at alex@juicycerebellum.com

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