The top ten funniest things my EX- (and I mean it this time) fiancée did to me
10 - Told me she
never had, and never would have an abortion - only to
tell me, months later, that she's already had one.
9 - Told me she doesn't understand how anyone could have
anal-sex, and that she thinks it's "horrible," only to
tell me, months later, (you'll start noticing a pattern, at this
point) that her and her ex "kind of" had anal-sex.
"He stuck it in about halfway, then pulled it out, cuz it
was too tight." Later, she told me he used to "eat
out" her anus. Boy, I just can't believe how fucking funny
she is. What a kidder.
8 - Told me that I don't have to wear a condom, when we have sex,
because "she's on the pill," and she "hasn't had
sex for well over six-months, and has had an AID's
test." Plus, she's never had oral or anal sex.
After sticking it in, she went on to say "well, maybe it was
only about five months, or so." After pulling it out,
she continued by saying, "actually, it might have been
four." Gee, she was a hoot.
7 - As mentioned in number six, she told me she thinks oral sex
is "disgusting," and that she never has had it, and
doesn't think she ever could. Then, months later, went on to tell
me that she had it "a few times," with her ex, but
definitely not more than ten. Then, a couple months after that,
proceeded to tell me that she "pretty much had it every time
we had sex." (They dated for four years, and she claims
they had sex about "three times a week.")
6 - Told me she could "never hurt me," because her
father had hurt her so badly by cheating on, and then divorcing,
her mother. Then went on to hurt me more than I thought a person
could be hurt. Plus, as an added bonus, she said she'd never cheat
. . . well, you get the picture.
5 - Literally spent two months telling me, on a daily basis, a
new way she had betrayed me, and then saying "that's the
last lie, I promise." The next day, there was a new
one, and they always got bigger with age.
4 - Watched me convulsing from all the stress she had put on me
through all of her lying, and sat beside me in the hospital
telling me how she would "never hurt me again." Only to
tell me the next day, "Alex . . . I know you're still
feeling pretty bad from the seizures, but there's just one more
thing you should know."
3 - Used to tell me how much she hates people that lie, and that
lying to your significant other would just have to be "one
of the worst things a person could ever do." I seriously
don't know why she hasn't made it as a comedian.
2 - Convinced me that, even though she used to lie to me
all the time, she really did love me, and she didn't
realize how bad her lying had gotten, and that it was OVER. Then
spent three (rather happy) months telling me, whenever I asked if
there was anymore lies, especially sexual, that there
was "none." Then, just today, after I had told
her how I defended her to my grandma, who thinks I'm
"nutty" for talking to her, she told me she was
"almost raped," when one of her brother's friends
talked her into ending her virginity, with him, when she was seven-years-old.
What's the punchline? She thought it was "way to
young," and "sick" when my cousin's
virginity was ended at fifteen.
1 - Told me, day in, and day out (until I found out the truth),
that she was the one person that I could trust, and that
she would never lie to me. What's so funny about that?
It's funny I'm even still here. It's funny I can even get up the
energy to type this page. It's funny my heart can keep pumping,
when it's been so horribly broke. Isn't
that a riot?
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Dude, I feel for ya, but I can't even deal with hearing
about this psycho EX of yours, send me back to the table of
brains!