The top ten funniest things my EX- (and I mean it this time) fiancée did to me
10 - Told me she
never had, and never would have an abortion - only to
tell me, months later, that she's already had one.
9 - Told me she doesn't understand how anyone could have anal-sex, and that she thinks it's "horrible," only to tell me, months later, (you'll start noticing a pattern, at this point) that her and her ex "kind of" had anal-sex. "He stuck it in about halfway, then pulled it out, cuz it was too tight." Later, she told me he used to "eat out" her anus. Boy, I just can't believe how fucking funny she is. What a kidder.
8 - Told me that I don't have to wear a condom, when we have sex, because "she's on the pill," and she "hasn't had sex for well over six-months, and has had an AID's test." Plus, she's never had oral or anal sex. After sticking it in, she went on to say "well, maybe it was only about five months, or so." After pulling it out, she continued by saying, "actually, it might have been four." Gee, she was a hoot.
7 - As mentioned in number six, she told me she thinks oral sex is "disgusting," and that she never has had it, and doesn't think she ever could. Then, months later, went on to tell me that she had it "a few times," with her ex, but definitely not more than ten. Then, a couple months after that, proceeded to tell me that she "pretty much had it every time we had sex." (They dated for four years, and she claims they had sex about "three times a week.")
6 - Told me she could "never hurt me," because her father had hurt her so badly by cheating on, and then divorcing, her mother. Then went on to hurt me more than I thought a person could be hurt. Plus, as an added bonus, she said she'd never cheat . . . well, you get the picture.
5 - Literally spent two months telling me, on a daily basis, a new way she had betrayed me, and then saying "that's the last lie, I promise." The next day, there was a new one, and they always got bigger with age.
4 - Watched me convulsing from all the stress she had put on me through all of her lying, and sat beside me in the hospital telling me how she would "never hurt me again." Only to tell me the next day, "Alex . . . I know you're still feeling pretty bad from the seizures, but there's just one more thing you should know."
3 - Used to tell me how much she hates people that lie, and that lying to your significant other would just have to be "one of the worst things a person could ever do." I seriously don't know why she hasn't made it as a comedian.
2 - Convinced me that, even though she used to lie to me all the time, she really did love me, and she didn't realize how bad her lying had gotten, and that it was OVER. Then spent three (rather happy) months telling me, whenever I asked if there was anymore lies, especially sexual, that there was "none." Then, just today, after I had told her how I defended her to my grandma, who thinks I'm "nutty" for talking to her, she told me she was "almost raped," when one of her brother's friends talked her into ending her virginity, with him, when she was seven-years-old. What's the punchline? She thought it was "way to young," and "sick" when my cousin's virginity was ended at fifteen.
1 - Told me, day in, and day out (until I found out the truth), that she was the one person that I could trust, and that she would never lie to me. What's so funny about that? It's funny I'm even still here. It's funny I can even get up the energy to type this page. It's funny my heart can keep pumping, when it's been so horribly broke. Isn't that a riot?
HEY!!! Do you have an ex that you just can't get over? Someone you HATE? Wanna get it off your chest? Send in your story, and become a part of "Juicy Cerebellum" history! Pay 'em back, join the "EX-FILES!"
For more about my EX, click here.
Dude, I feel for ya, but I can't even deal with hearing about this psycho EX of yours, send me back to the table of brains!
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