Written by: Alex Sandell
Are you a Nazi skinhead? If you answered "yes," we all know you're an insecure imbecile, and there's not much you can do to change that. Still, why not be an in-style insecure imbecile? That's right; I can take you from being a person who lets the world know you're an idiot with no taste to an idiot with fairly good color-coordination, in only 10 easy steps!
What's the cost? I'll get to that later. For now, don't worry about it. Onto the 10 steps . . .
Dump the Nazi: "Nazi" is getting old. "Neo-Nazi" is an oxymoron. Why not try something like "Neo-Moron?" How about "dorky-boy," "pecker-head," or "livid-loser?" These are just a few I came up with at the spur of the moment. You can play around with them if you like. Just make sure the name describes what you are: a racist moron.
Leave the headshaving to basketball players: I know you want to look just like all your buddies, to prove to the world you "belong" somewhere (other than a garbage dump). But isn't a bald head getting a bit outdated? Why not try a bright green afro cut into Mickey Mouse ears? Think how confused that will make the general public. How about a Mickey Mouse T-Shirt to go along with the hair? Then, there's my favorite, a "party-hat." Imagine how powerful you'll look walking down the street sucking down beer through two straws attached to each side of your head. It would also go well with the bright red suspenders and combat boots. You already look like Bozo the Clown; why not go all the way?
Soloflex: You have to hide your insecurities behind a great wall of muscles, right? Why keep wasting all that money going to the gym, when you can have a handy machine delivered straight to your door for only $299.99? Just think, you could get the muscles you want at a fraction of the price, and do it all right in front of your swastika!
Find something new to hate: People have been hating others based on their race, religion or skin-color since time began. Are you really that unoriginal? What about hategroups fighting together for the liberation of rotary phones? Violent parades protesting the combined use of peanut butter and jelly? Go ahead, be self-righteous, just fuck with the peanut butter; stay away from the humans.
Start a "Skinhead McPinhead" house: McDonald's has had tremendous success in not only improving their rotten image, but in getting free advertisements placed everywhere. All in the name of charity! If McDonald's can do it, hey . . . why couldn't a Nazi?
Get breast implants: Frankly, everything you say is completely moronic, and nobody really wants to hear it, so why not make them listen (at least half of them)? Nearly everyone with a penis admires a nice set of tits, and would most likely pretend to be listening to you, just so they can stare down your shirt. With the new bisexual craze, you might find a lot of "interested" women, too!
Offer free Bibles: Sure, Jesus was a Jew and that might be scary, but a free Bible really seems to open a person's mind to your message. It pretty much goes against the message you're trying to send, but that never stopped The Church of Latter Day Saints!
Drop the swastika: It's just a broken cross. Do you want something broken representing your "tribe?" I would recommend Mickey Mouse ears flipped upside down with a little dribble of green on them, to match your new afro. A "no jelly" sign on your right shoulder may also do the trick. Maybe you could have a "no peanut butter" one on the left.
Buy a belt: I know the suspenders look good with your new party-hat, but belts are far more economical, and don't look quite as stupid. If you don't know what to do with your old pair of suspenders, just wrap them around your balls and scream a lot. I'm sure the media will find some hidden meaning deep within your swollen testicles.
Kill yourself: This is your payment for the first 9 steps. I'm sure no one will miss you.
©1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved] If you copy this without permission, I'll stick a skinhead on your ass. (And those skinheads just love asses.) The title graphic is by Amanda T. She loves asses, too. At least I think so.
Back to the table of brains 1998
Back to the mind-map.