With "McDonald's" giving the greenlight to the trite, senseless, catch-phrase, "did somebody say 'McDonald's?'." "Nike" doing years of great business all by proclaiming "just do it." "Fruitopia" swearing "we just want to make you feel good." The innovative "Budweiser" coming up with "Bud-weis-er," and "Winston" somehow cementing its feminist status by showing hot looking models in super tight pants, yelling out declarations of independence such as,"I'm not all sugar&Spice. And neither are my smokes."

With axioms like these, you might wonder, "what in the hell do these companies reject?" "The Juicy Cerebellum," "where everyone is normal, because nobody is sane," through its usual level of back-breaking research, has found the original pitches made for ad-campaigns such as the ones listed above, that just about became reality, but were dumped at the last minute. Here, for the first time ever, is what may have been . . .

Written by: Alex Sandell

McDonald's
"Did somebody say Salmonella?"

Nike
"Just do it . . . we're sure there'll be a cure for AIDS within the next 20 years."

Fruitopia
"We just want to use a washed-up counter-culture to get really rich."

Winston
"C'mon guys, fuck me, I'm just a hot young sex-object, wrapped up in tight jeans and a smoke."

Trojan Condoms
"If they break, hey - blame it on God."

CBS Television Network
"Welcome to the Nursing Home."

Bill Clinton
"Half of the President . . . all of the man."

Budweiser
"Hey bums, check the toilets, they're usually full of it by around 1 AM."

Columbia House
"11 free CDs, with only $135.00 shipping, and junkmail for life!"

Pepsi
"Tastes Like Chicken."

Anusol
"Because wet farts are just better."

Taco Bell
"Avoid if using "Anusol."

Titanic
"Giving Hollywood a career, year after year!"

Hershey
"Forever associated with that wonderful squirt."

Kodak
"Producing more high-quality porn, daily, than any other company."

Wal-Mart
"Giving everyone a reason to shop somewhere else."

Walt Disney
"Proving that beating a dead horse, year after year, will always pay off."

Hasbro/Kenner
"Making billions off piles of plastic junk."

Visa
"Everywhere that you want to be. Only not ever where you are at."

AT&T
"Hey, if you owned the world, wouldn't you charge that little extra, too?"

Alt.Showbiz.Gossip Newsgroup
"Proving that there really are living people, without a life."

Mercedes Benz
Proving what an arrogant prick you are, mile after mile.

Planet Hollywood
"Aforementioned celebrities not included!"

Microsoft
"Boy, are we ever fucked."

And there you have it. Imagine how close these slogans came to bombarding your television sets, magazines and shopping carts. Next time you hear somebody telling you to "just do it," maybe you'll feel lucky. I dunno . . . I just write here.

Slogan ideas of your own? Questions? Comments? Wanna sue me? Email Alex!

You know the routine, just do it!

©Copyright 1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Actual slogans used in introduction are copyrighted, patented, trade-marked, rolled-over, and sat-on by their respective owners. Title graphics created by Liz.