SMALL TOWN NICE:
Hang 'em up! Tie 'em down! Let 'em fry!
Written by:  Alex Sandell, with some help from the "friendly" folk of Alexandria, Minnesota

It's no secret that I live in small town America.  Ironically enough, I live in a little town called Alexandria.  I spend 4 or 5 days a week in this piss-poor pustule on the face of America.  I also spend 2 or 3 days a week in a big city (Minneapolis), visiting friends, attending movie screenings, going to plays, attending poetry slams, and generally escaping the mediocrity of small town life.  Therefore, I am able to see, every week, what both parts of the state of Minnesota are really like, and can let the fun-loving, tolerant people I talk with in the big city of Minneapolis know that they should avoid small towns like Alexandria at all costs.  The happy face that a small town puts on hides the festering evil that is buried inside it.  

Next time you enter a town like Alexandria, take in a deep breath of the air, and, as you let it wrap its way around your senses, pay very close attention to all that you're sensing; if you do, you may sense that, under that "clean" scent there is just a tinge of sulfur.  Within a couple of decades, there will probably be goggles that are able to detect the nastiness and seething hatred that is tucked deep down within the majority of small town citizens.  Really expensive "small town" goggles may even be able to make out the invisible horns shooting out of the heads of a lot of the little demons playing nice for the tourists, until they are able to take over the world, claiming the ultimate victory for the "Moral Majority."  If these goggles are effective enough, maybe we can thwart this onslaught of "morality," when we see that all of the churches in the town were built on Brimstone and are surrounded by fire.

There is this misconception that small town folk are more kind, friendly, and caring than those people in the big city.  Alexandria, according to its own official website, is the town that offers, "small town hospitality and spirit."  A town like that sounds like it would be filled with just a ton of friendly folk, willing to help a stranger feel right at home.  Well, this is true, unless the stranger is in a minority, is an atheist, is a liberal, doesn't dress "normal," doesn't act "normal," doesn't attend church 17 times a week, shows compassion, has more than two teeth and a cousin that isn't a brother, isn't willing to play small town politics (I could write an entire update on small town politics, alone), has an open-mind, "dares" to exercise his or her First Amendment rights, doesn't attend "the races" every Saturday night, thinks that there's something better than 80's heavy metal and country music, points out that "mullet" haircuts went out over ten years ago, or may spice up his or her language with a "curse" word or two, when writing a letter to an elected official about a subject as simple as movies.  

But, without the help of the upcoming "small town" goggles, narrow-minded people continue to think that people like me are in the wrong.  We're just "crazy tree-huggers" that haven't memorized our Bible (Old Testament, only, please).  The small town myth is a hard one to tear down.  Yet, I think, as ignorant as they are, small town Americans will destroy this myth far faster than I ever could, with their own words.  Feeling it my civic duty to hurry this process along, I've decided to print a handful of the responses the local paper got when it asked if executions, such as Timothy McVeigh's, should be televised.  I have left every glaring spelling and grammatical error intact, in each of these comments, to show that not only is "small town nice" a myth, but also, "small town literacy."  Enjoy!

"I believe we should go back to torture and inflicting excruciating pain on the convicts before they are allowed to die. These people should be made an example of what will happen to murderers. Also once they are convicted and sentenced to the death penalty there should be no wait."

"Let 'em fry! and Let me watch!! Obviously, we had public hangings in Alex. I think we should go back to that. I bet people would think twice about killing people if they thought the whole town could watch them hang in front of Big Ole."

"if they truley believe that they are guilty and deserve to die, then take them out of the court room and hook them up and get done with it instead of using more of tax dollars to house these people for 2 up to 20 + years....."

"I think that if capital punishment is televised, perhaps potential criminals may see it and think twice about committing crimes. I believe in the eye-for-an-eye philosophy and think that criminals get off way to easy these days, more or less living a life of luxury in prison where they don't have to work, don't have to do anything, and get everything they could possibly need...three meals a day, television, entertainment, a free place to live, etc. and it really is upsetting to the rest of us honest citizens who go to work each day to pay the thousands of dollars it costs to house these people."

"he sucked, they should have shown it on the internet and that be all, you know?"

"They should have tied some C4 to him and blow him up on live TV!!!"

Nice, eh?  Only friendly folk would want to blow someone up on television, bring back public hangings, and inflict "excruciating pain" on convicts.  Oh, and in a time when we are realizing, more and more, that a lot of death row inmates are actually innocent of the crimes that they were accused of, it is only appropriate that the nice people in small town America would want to "take them out of the court room" and "hook them up and get done with it."  In small town America, it's "guilty until you're proven innocent," and the justice system is just another obstacle standing in the way of the complete and total validated vindictiveness that small town Americans so desperately crave. 

God have mercy on our souls.

The stuff I wrote is 2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  The stuff written by the Nazis is not copyrighted by me.  I don't really care too much for Nazis.  

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