And the world will SPAM with you
Written by: Alex Sandell

Note: The SPAMMING thing didn't go the way I hoped it would when I wrote this article 7 years ago.  Sadly, the anti-spam advocates succeeded in stomping out anyone with a message and something to communicate, while allowing the assholes selling Viagra to go right on filling your emailbox and mine with their garbage. That is NOT the kind of SPAM I was in support of, when writing this article.

SPAM, it's meat in a can. SPAM, it's the most controversial form of advertising on the Internet. If you can't afford to mass-advertise in newspapers, and on television, but want to get a message out, SPAM is your best friend.

Yet people want to stop SPAM. They want to "stomp it out." Even people that could benefit by it. There's anti-SPAM campaigns everywhere. Fanatical headlines scream out rhetoric such as (and these are genuine) "Beating the email SPAMMERS," "Death to SPAM," "Ask not what SPAM can do for you, ask what YOU can do to SPAMMERS," "The SPAMMERS blacklist," "How to Sue a SPAMMER," and so on and so on. The Government is even trying to make SPAMMING illegal. Why? It scares them.

SPAM is the great equalizer. SPAM gives someone like me just about as much advertising power on the 'net as someone like Bill Gates. If I chose to write a negative article about the aforementioned Gates, I could send the article out to thousands of people. People can learn the truth through SPAM. Damnit, SPAM can set you free. And who wants that? Obviously not most computer geeks.

SPAM is a message or advertisement sent through email. It is unsolicited. It makes a lot of nerds who haven't figured out how to use the "delete" key really mad. Why are these nerds mad? They've been told that they're 'sposed to be.

They've been told this by magazines, television shows, Internet Service Providers, the Government, software companies and numerous other places that are looking out for their best interest. What these places tell them is that SPAM is wasting "bandwidth." That SPAM will destroy their treasured Internet, their life. They've been brainwashed into believing that SPAM is using all of the World Wide Web's resources. They've been told this, and just like Sneetches on the Beaches, they believe it.

Why are all these magazines, television shows, Internet Service Providers, the Government, software companies and numerous other places telling these people that SPAM is bad? Because they want to be the only ones able to advertise. The word "equalizer" terrifies them.

In newspapers, on T.V., and all those annoying billboards, it was only the big guys that could get the word out; then this thing called the Internet came along, and you didn't need to be a multi-millionaire to advertise. You didn't need your own printing-press and thousands of dollars a day to get the word to the people.

Could I advertise "The Juicy Cerebellum" on t.v.? Nope. How 'bout the newspaper? Nope. Buy a "Juicy" billboard? Nope. I could never afford it. But I can afford to advertise on the 'net. And, as many of you reading this know, a lot of the stuff written on "The Juicy Cerebellum" isn't exactly the kind of literature Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, McDonald's, Wal-Mart, or any other huge corporation (or Government institution) would want people reading.

Therefore they say my "SPAMMING" is "slowing down the Internet," and "will bring it to a halt." They even say it's murdering the Internet. If somebody says something enough, people start believing it, even if it's a blatant lie (example: "McDonald's is good food"). I'm only a small voice (not to mention, I currently have one hell of sore-throat), but I'm saying "BULLSHIT" to anyone that says SPAMMING is wrong. The anti-SPAMMERS among you are targeting the wrong guy. If you want to look at who's "slowing down" this Internet, look no further than Bill Gates or Ronald McDonald.

They're making you all red with rage when you get an email from me that takes seconds to arrive, and another second to delete, while at the same time you're waiting five minutes to read an article at "Mr. Showbiz," because the banner for "Chevy Trucks" has to finish downloading. Ooh, smart-guy, hack-boy, do the math.

THE CORPORATIONS ARE THE ONES SLOWING YOU DOWN. What do you think takes MORE space up on the 'net? A text document advertising my page, or those MILLIONS of banners that take MINUTES to load, advertising a Whopper, Microsoft, PC World, or Chevy Trucks? Of course more space is being wasted by the corporations and their banners. But these banners are just taken for granted by most of us, a part of life, right? Hey, we've been force-fed corporate trash for years, why shouldn't it get shoved down our faces on the 'net, too?

My final word of advice? If you have something to say, SAY IT. Spread the word around. SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! This is the little guy's moment in the sun, and the little guy is wasting space writing about how BAD people that take advantage of this moment are. I found over 1,000 ANTI-SPAM sites on the web, in the course of an hour. I found ZERO sites in favor of it.

SPAM is not the enemy.

There's a whole world out there . . .


1998 Alex Sandell [all rights reserved]. If you copy this, I'll SPAM you with Microsoft ads and literature.

Back to The Juicy Cerebellum