What has Unsolicited Commercial Email come to?
Written by: Alex Sandell
As regular readers of The Juicy Cerebellum are aware, I have never actually sent SPAM myself, and I have never enjoyed receiving it. At the same time, I have found the inconvenience of pressing "delete" 50-100 times a day far less frustrating than I did watching vigilante anti-spam nerd groups like MAPS strong-arming people into following their every order, no matter how outlandish their order may be.
Yet, with the new wave of SPAM'S that I have been receiving, I am rethinking my position on groups like MAPS, and am wondering if their service is indeed, a necessity. I was fine with the Viagra ads the anti-spammers kept claiming were "destroying the minds" of their "children" (the thought of anti-spam geeks having offspring was far more frightening), and anyone stupid enough to fall for the "get rich quick" ads had it coming. I figured, at the time, that the only damage being done in regards to SPAM was done at the hands of MAPS, and other such groups, trying to stop it. Then, about a week ago, I began receiving a new breed of SPAM, SPAM so full of filth that even I found it shocking.
For those of you who are over 18, and are able to handle the most rancid dreg that the cyber world has to offer, here are a few examples of what I have received:
This first SPAM was particularly shocking in its nature, being that it is apparently a "get rich quick" scheme claiming that you can make millions by filming bulls making love to you, and then transferring the films/tapes to the 'net. You can read for yourself.
Dear Friends & Future Millionaire:
BE A MILLIONAIRE LIKE OTHERS WITHIN A YEAR!!! Before you say ''Bull'', please find an actual bull and let it ride you like the little cow-bitch that you are. This is the letter you have been hearing about on Nature shows lately! Due to the popularity of this letter on the Internet, a national weekly news program recently devoted an entire show to the investigation of this program, to see if people can make money from this program and to see how many times we will say "program" without once mentioning the name of the program so you can see if we are being honest with you and not just giving you "bull" about a "bullshit" program. The program proved once and for all that there are ''absolutely NO Laws prohibiting the participation in the program and if people can spread their legs for an animal and put it online they are bound to make some mega bucks with only $25 out of pocket cost." DUE TO THE RECENT INCREASE OF POPULARITY & RESPECT THIS PROGRAM HAS ATTAINED, IT IS CURRENTLY WORKING BETTER THAN EVER. It has been proven that only 50% of this program's participants are being killed when fucked by one of our bulls, down from 97% only 12 months ago! Even the recently departed are happy they joined this program when they had the chance! This is what one of the dead folks had to say, from beyond the grave: ''Thanks to this profitable opportunity. I was 'boffed' many times by plenty of bulls before I passed on. I am so glad I finally joined just to see what one could expect in return for the minimal effort and money required. To my astonishment, I received total $627,373.03 in 21 weeks, with money still coming in to help my family pay for those outlandish funeral costs. I didn't think of a burial expense plan while I was alive, who does? Now, thanks to old video of me being violated by gigantic bulls, my family is making a fortune off of your company making a killing off of me (in more ways than one - LOL!!!)!" - Bob Headcheese, New Jersey.
Thinking the last SPAM was probably a one-time joke of some sort, I simply shrugged it off, and went on with my life. Then, less than three hours later, I received this SPAM in my box, and was so disgusted, I knew that something must be done! Judge for yourself:
(Remember, this is very disgusting!)
Is your shit piling up? Do you have nutty shit, fruity shit, shit on shit, runny shit, beer shit, and sticky shit smeared all over your walls? Do you argue with your spouse (or your girlfriend/boyfriend) about your shit? Are your neighbors calling you on your shit and banging at your door telling you to cut the shit? Do you feel like you're in deep shit, with gas bubbles popping on each of your shoulders? When you hear somebody say "no shit" does it sound like a fantasy? If yes, please CHEER up! We can HELP you!
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT, AND POWERFUL LETTER YOU'LL
EVER READ, SO PLEASE PAY CLOSE ATTENTION!
Do you want to succeed in life, be a rich, happy and powerful over-shitter? Then stop bitching and keep shitting! Stop blaming the world for all your shit and start facing reality! Start doing what the Rich and Famous do!
Learn the 2000 years old, jealously guarded, by-invitation-only "SHIT SECRETS" of the Rich and Powerful and get Rich and Happy!
No, I was not born with a silver spoon up my ass, or is my family as well-known as the Bundy's, the Gein's, the Gacy's, the Borden's or the Manson's! I do not have any degrees from an ivy league university (hence the lack of proper punctuation)! I am just a regular, honest, hard working man, who happens to be full of shit!
Not too many years ago, I moved from one dead-end job to another, unable to hold any job for more than 2yrs., because I could never hold my shit for more than 2hrs.! I was flat broke most of the time, unhappy and couldn't support my toilet-paper habit. Due to depression and frustration, I was compelled to dibble-dabble in various get-rich-quick schemes—MLM, Mail Order, 900#, Stock Market, Real Estate and various internet money making programs. I made some money, but it didn't really amount to shit.
My life was falling apart and the center of my world could no longer hold! Believe me, many times, I was tempted to rob a bank and get rich over night! But I was stopped by the fear of going to prison (where if you don't get raped, get AIDS disease, you could be slashed on the face with a knife or be killed!). Besides, who in his/her right mind wants to spend eternity roasting in hell fire, for stealing money? I am a God fearing man and despite the stress and big temptations, I knew that crime doesn't pay! Sooner or later, one will get caught, and the cops would be on me like flies on shit!
One day, I ran into an old friend of mine, named Stinky, who was a manager at Bank of Japan in Northern Canada. I told him about all my financial problems and how desperate I was to find a solution. At first he said he didn't give a shit, but he finally took pity on me, and told me about a "little known", and "jealously guarded secret" of the Rich and Powerful that I can use to change my shit into gold!
What was this plan? He called it "Japanese Scat." I guess the Japanese love to watch people poop! In no time, he set up a camera and had me shitting on cue! I had to put my pride and skepticism aside, blast off at the ass, and let go with the crap. I cannot forget that day! It was the luckiest and happiest day of my life! Now I make 58 billion dollars a year selling my "Scat" videos, and autographed canisters of shit to eager Japanese people, and, for one reason or another, a few Texans, usually with the last name of "Bush." I'm guessing the name's fake, but the money they send me is real!
I'm not filling you full of shit (we all know you're full of enough of that already)! This really does work! Turn your shit into cash, just like I did! Email me today for more info..!
"This has gone too far," I said to myself, with a look of mock outrage on my face, "I will have to contact MAPS." To my chagrin, as I finished typing my report to maps, tattling on this SPAM, I received another unsolicited bulk email.....an email that had me wondering if I could truly trust the legitimacy of the "non-profit" MAPS' anti-SPAM organization. I decided not to send my initial complaint to MAPS, but I will print the SPAM that they sent me, and let you decide for yourself if MAPS is really all about stopping SPAM:
77 MILLION FRESH EMAIL ADDRESSES FOR ONLY US$99
Look, we don't want to waste your time, or OURS. If you're serious about getting rich on the Internet, there's only one way to do it: go through MAPS. Mail Abuse Prevention Systems (MAPS) has been around for years now, passing itself off as an "anti-SPAM" movement. During that time we have actually received, through over-zealous web-cultists, over 97 billion email addresses. Some members of our organization claim that we now control over 20% of the 'net, although that number is probably actually closer to .002145%.
Through many illegal scare-tactics, we have managed to terrify small ISPs into surrendering to our "charm" and big ISPs to join our calling. Did you know Hotmail uses us? How about AOL? Hey, you lefties out there, you're all for freedom of speech, right? Did you know the Green Party's (home of Ralph Nader) webpage itself uses MAPS? We didn't think so. Why? Because big companies, and smaller companies alike, know that if their members found out that the mail that they did and didn't receive was determined by a small group of four-eyed freaks they'd probably be just a little upset. Like the mafia before us, MAPS is good at getting in bed with the politicians and is even better at keeping our "clients" a secret.
Now wouldn't you want to be a part of that?
Do you have a product to offer to the online community?
Do you have a web site that that receives over 8 MILLION hits per week? If
you do, then you probably don't need what MAPS is cooking.
Direct marketing is easier and cheaper. A lot easier and a lot cheaper! But, unless you're in good with MAPS, it just ain't gonna happen for ya, because one of our nerd-herd WILL report you to us and your email address WILL be shut down. The only way it's going to stick around is if we conveniently "overlook" it, which we may, if you buy our new deluxe 77 million email address package for only US$99 (Canada$3,885).
That's because we provide you with:
Protection from other anti-spamming organizations who may want to shut you down.
A huge Internet backbone that is, for all intents and purposes, run by MAPS (keep that "hush hush").
77 million fresh email addresses that are guaranteed fresh because we haven't
killed them yet!
Included in the price, you also receive a collection of BULK EMAIL PROGRAMS to automate your mailouts to this huge list and a TOTALLY NUDE picture of MAPS' proud father, Paul Vixie!
These programs usually cost around $199 each, and the nude picture of Paul has been sold on eBay for nearly $1.00! But both are FREE to you when you invest in this mailing list! You can send 50,000 emails an hour using this program. Unlike other programs, our bulk mailer will send your emails into people's INBOX and NOT the bulk mail folder. Set your computer in the morning and it can send emails all day by itself, while you masturbate over Paul's saggy, pale body (and sexy, graying ponytail)!
Does this sound too good to pass up? Good. Why? Because if it didn't, MAPS would come after you. Send the mandatory US$99 (Canada$3,885) in the mail TODAY (or else)!
After reading this, my faith in power-hungry twerps disintegrated. My dreams were shattered. If you can't trust a group of conniving conmen (and women), who can you trust? The truth is out there . . .
Email Alex about this update, your thoughts, your feelings, and/or your first orgasm
Copyright ©2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, I'll shove Paul Vixie's dick in your left ear and watch it rip through your right. Wait, this is Vixie we're talking about. Um, hmm, I guess I'll shove something else in your left ear, and just let Paul Vixie's little bobbin clean out some of the wax.The Juicy Cerebellum is a nonprofit website (at least we haven't made a damn penny, yet) full of a bunch of brutal, yet honest, crap you can't read anywhere else. We do not accept corporate ads, and we rely on reader support to keep the site REAL. If you enjoyed this update, or the update before it, or the update before that, and want to see more like them, please send a dollar or three (or whatever you can spare) to:
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