Star Wars gets Juicy On Opening Night:
A Report From the Front
Written by:  Alex Sandell
Photography by:  Alex Sandell
Editing by:  Alex Sandell
Proofreading by:  Alex Sandell
Typing by:  Alex Sandell

Yes, I was there.  I drove 7 hours, round-trip, not even knowing if I had the four tickets I was promised, sat in line for another 5 and a half hours after getting the tickets, and spent numerous hours fighting General Cinema managers and Moviefone (if you haven't read all about it, click here) to be there, but I did it, damnit.  Sure, I could have taken the easy way out by settling for my crappy ass-backwards local theater, with its lousy speakers, wobbly projection system, terrible seating, and rotten feces, popcorn and urine odor, but this was Star Wars, and I didn't spend 16 years waiting to see it in a dump.  I wanted to see it right at midnight, in style, at the best theater I could.  And, if you live in Minnesota, the Mall of America 14 theater is the hands-down winner in the "best of everything" category. 

THX sound system.  Dolby EX (or whatever the hell that new Dolby system is called)  presentation.  Pristine projection systems ready to project a crisp image on one of the towering (for a multiplex) screens.  Comfortable seating.  Party like atmosphere.  News media (just about EVERY television network and radio station showed up to film the line and interview people live on the air), the most die-hard fans, and the only theater in America that overlooks a gigantic indoor theme park. 

The night was an absolute blast!  I was interviewed twice, hiding political messages and personal beliefs behind the dorky catch-phrases I spit out on television.  "Worship Yoda . . ." I screamed into the camera, "no World Wars have been fought over him!"   I can't remember what the other thing I said was, but I'm sure it was something just as "profound."   I think it revolved around Star Wars and the need for nudity on prime-time television.  "NYPD does it . . . why not FULL HOUSE?"  It was spur of the moment, what can I say?

Anyway, now that I've rambled on long enough for the photos I took to download onto your screen, let me do my little cyber-slideshow.  If you imagine hard enough, it will be like you were actually there!  Thrilling, huh?

swmoa03.jpg (53907 bytes)
When I arrived to pick up my tickets, nearly 6 hours
before the first showing, I was
surprised to see that a huge line had already formed. 
What you see in the photo above is about 1/5th of the
line.  It was at this time I realized I was going to have
to miss the season-finale of "Futurama" and get in the line.
I think I just typed the word "line" too much. 
this really nice girl who was near the front let
my friends and I sit down by her.  She had a really nice
pair of boobs.  I looked at them some.  I was going to
take a picture of them, but she told me that if I did, she'd
"smack me up good."  I didn't look at her boobs again
the rest of the night.  It's not like they were so hot, or

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This is the "butt-shot" from Hell.  If I had known this photo
would turn out to be so grotesque, so, so . . . horrifying, I wouldn't have
taken it.  But, unfortunately, I got caught up in the mood of
the moment and was seduced by some guy's big ugly butt. 
These people are getting ready to set up cameras and crap
to videotape all of the nerds in line, and ask people questions
for a "special" news report.  I still haven't found out if they
meant "special" in that "he's God's 'special' child" sort of
way, or just "special" like, "we wouldn't want to talk about
the real news, for once, would we?"  I think they should do
a special on that guy's raunchy ass.  That would be kind of
funny.  I hope no one secretly took a picture of my ass and
is now making fun of it on some website.  That would totally
suck.  I hate my ass.

NOTE:  The news report finally aired yesterday evening.   It was
titled, "God's Special Children."  How embarrassing.

swmoa05.jpg (45249 bytes)
These are the "children" that God made to be "special."  From Left
to Right we have:  Boba Fett, Super Fat Ben Kenobi, Kind
Of Chubby Ben Kenobi and Pretty Damn Cool Looking
Darth Maul.  If you stare at this photo for 3 minutes, you'll
get to see Darth Maul for as long as he is in the actual film.  If you
move your mouse up and down around the chunky Obi-Wan's,
you can pretend you're having a light-saber battle!

swmoa06.jpg (63556 bytes)
While taking this picture of Star Wars fans eating,
I joked around saying, "you can see I'm pretty serious
about this whole thing by the mega-expensive camera
I have."  It was a disposable camera that cost like ten
bucks.  The people eating laughed.  I asked if I could
take a picture of them laughing, but they said "no" and told
me to leave them alone.  I asked if I could take a picture of
them telling me to leave them alone, but they told me to "eat shit."  I
think they were just trying to get a picture of me doing that.
What a bunch of perverts.

swmoa07.jpg (53849 bytes)
This is a girl who is pretending to be Princess Leia.  She was
such a kind, modest, gentle person.  Of course, being a man, this
immediately made me want to have wild sex with her and brag
about it to my friends.  "Hey, dudes - I did Leia!"

swmoa08.jpg (42539 bytes)
This is a section of the actual theater I saw it in.  I wanted to get a wide
shot of the place when it was totally sold out, but I got busted taking this
one, and was forced to hand my cardboard camera over until the end of
the film.  I asked if I could take a picture of the person asking me not
to take any more pictures, but I just got a dirty look and my camera
taken away.  This guy told me, after the show, that I was "lucky" to be
getting the camera back, at all, and not to pull a "stunt" like that again.
At least he didn't call me "special."

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1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  If you copy this, without my permission, I'll slice you in two and then have sex with your innards.

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