George Bush

George Bush

George Bush

George Bush

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The Sunday School of the Union Address:
The Lines You Didn't Get to Hear in the State of the Union Address

Although last night's (1/20/04) State of the Union address was already the most sickening address ever delivered by a President, I have discovered that it could have been worse.  Due to a technical error, George Bush was only able to see the first half of each sentence he read during the address. The end of each sentence was entirely dropped. The Juicy Cerebellum has managed to come across the full speech. Here is the real State of the Union address (the bold and italicized sentences are the ones that George W. didn't read.)...

As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world in the war on terror...

By a President who used his daddy's connections to avoid fighting in the Vietnam War.

Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats; analysts are examining airline passenger lists; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders.  And their vigilance is protecting America...

From annoying nuisances such as the First Amendment and the right to a fair trial.

Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world...

Due to the fact that most people need to work at least two jobs to pay their bills, under the nasty economy that I've helped create.

The tax relief you passed is working...

For the richest 20% of Americans. 

Tonight, Members of Congress can take pride in the great works of compassion and reform that skeptics had thought impossible...

Due in large part to the fact that no compassion has come from this administration.

You are raising the standards of our public schools; and you are giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage under Medicare...

By taking away other Medicare services they currently receive at the same prices and levels of quality and pushing them into using private health-care plans.

We have faced serious challenges together -- and now we face a choice...

Continue to elect and reelect Republican zealots, or live on a planet able to sustain life.

We can go forward with confidence and resolve -- or we can turn back to the dangerous illusion that terrorists are not plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us...

Like I did, as President, when I was informed of potential terrorist airline attacks just before 9/11, and like I still do, as President, by looking the other way whenever the folks over in Saudi Arabia do anything terrorist like.

We can press on with economic growth...

For the richest 20% of Americans.

and reforms in education and Medicare...

That will destroy education and Medicare.

We have not come all this way -- through tragedy, and trial, and war -- only to falter and leave our work unfinished...

Before turning the entire world into a Police State ran by Dictator Bush and his cronies.

Americans are rising to the tasks of history...

But not learning from it.

In their efforts, their enterprise, and their character, the American people are showing that the state of our Union is confident and strong...

And extremely deluded.

Twenty-eight months have passed since September the 11th, 2001 -- over two years without an attack on American soil -- and it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us..

When it's really in front of us, standing at a podium and delivering this circumspect State of the Union.

The killing has continued in Bali, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Mombassa, Jerusalem, Istanbul, and Baghdad...

And the United States was only behind some of it!

Inside the United States, where the war began, we must continue to give homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us..

Even if it ends up destroying every freedom we claim to be defending.

And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows Federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, to seize their assets..

To imprison people (even non-terrorists) without allowing them to talk to a lawyer, to search an American's house without a warrant, to read his or her email and find out what he or she does on the Internet, to allow the Federal Government to require libraries to divulge what books an individual checks out, to look at what videos he or she rents from a video store, to disclose what paperbacks he or she may buy from his or her grocer, and to violate the First (free speech), Fourth (unreasonable searches), Fifth (right against self-incrimination), and Sixth (due process) amendments.

If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists...

And innocent Americans we just feel like harassing.

Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens...

From the American Dream.

 -- you need to renew the Patriot Act...

In the same way a deaf person needs earplugs.

Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on a manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves -- and, one by one, we will bring the terrorists to justice...

As we take away any semblance of justice from American Citizens.

We are dealing with these thugs in Iraq, just as surely as we dealt with Saddam Hussein's evil regime...

And some suspicious looking guy eating a Whopper at Burger King.

America has always been willing to do what it takes for what is right...

And hopefully in November this statement will hold true, when the citizens of America vote my sorry ass out of office.

For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible -- and no one can now doubt the word of America...

Unless they're actually paying attention.

Different threats require different strategies...

We took that dude at Burger King down with a McNugget Gun.

The terrorists and their supporters declared war on the United States -- and war is what they got...

If they were vacationing in Iraq; a country that had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq...

Others just didn't support the illegal way we went about it.

But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power...

It's a nice thing for a father to do, so his son can finish the job.

We are seeking all the facts -- already the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations..

Which doesn't actually mean we found Weapons of Mass Destruction, but it sounds good, doesn't it?

Had we failed to act, the dictator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day...

In all of the bedtime stories Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rove used to tell me.

America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country...

When violating International Law is just so damn much more convenient.

And above all, we will finish the historic work of democracy in Afghanistan and Iraq, so those nations can light the way for...

Halliburton and Lockheed Martin.

We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire...

Just the need to award exclusive contracts to our buddies in the oil industry.

Our aim is a democratic peace -- a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman...

Working as a CEO with big oil.

You have doubled the child tax credit from 500 to a thousand dollars, reduced the marriage penalty, begun to phase out the death tax, reduced taxes on capital gains and stock dividends, cut taxes on small businesses, and you have lowered taxes for every American who pays income taxes...

And left every other American stuck paying the bill.

America's growing economy is also a changing economy..

Seeing as how it's only changing for the richest 20% of Americans.

By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you have made the expectation of literacy the law of our country...

And, ironically enough, left tons of children behind.

We are requiring higher standards...

Standards I, George W. Bush, could have never met.

We are regularly testing every child on the fundamentals...

And religious fundamentalism.

We are making progress toward excellence for every child in America...

Outside of the poor ones.

Testing is the only way to identify and help students who are falling behind...

Outside of quality teaching, which the Republican budget doesn't cover.

Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes...

Like repealing the tax cut for the richest of the rich Americans who absolutely don't fucking need it.

Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life...

And dead multi-millionaires -- the only people asked to pay the ESTATE tax -- will roll over in their grave three times and claw their way out of Hell to get revenge on us all.

Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase...

At least the richest Americans, who have most of their money hidden in illegal offshore tax shelters, anyway.

Our agenda for jobs and growth must help small business owners and employees with relief from needless Federal regulation, and protect them from junk and frivolous lawsuits...

That protect consumers from shady business owners who will try to get away with anything for a buck.

My administration is promoting free and fair trade, to open up new markets for America's entrepreneurs, and manufacturers, and farmers, to create jobs for America's workers...

Working in sweatshops in Indonesia, Mexico and China.

We should make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the American people...

Who own a big chunk of Wall Street (I.E. - not you).

And we should limit the burden of government on this economy by acting as good stewards of taxpayer dollars...

By using those dollars to build Tax havens on the moon and Mars.

This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending...

Used to help people who aren't part of the richest 20% of Americans.

By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years...

And double the homeless rate in this country and triple the incarceration rate.

Tonight I also ask you to reform our immigration laws, so they reflect our values and benefit our economy...

Even if it destroys the lives of our most helpless citizens.

I propose a new temporary worker program to match willing foreign workers with willing employers...

So the willing employers can exploit the willing foreign workers and put American workers out of work.

This reform will be good for our economy -- because employers will find needed workers in an honest and orderly system...

So Wal-Mart can screw them over legally!

A temporary worker program will help protect our homeland -- allowing border patrol and law enforcement to focus on true threats to our national security...

Like that dude eating a Whopper at Burger King.

I oppose amnesty, because it would encourage further illegal immigration, and unfairly reward those who break our laws..

And those rewards are saved for big businesses such as Wal-Mart!

By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors:  You are giving them the modern medicine they deserve...

Or, at the very least, you're leading them to believe that's what you're doing —  and that should be enough to get me reelected!

In January of 2006, seniors can get prescription drug coverage under Medicare. 

But, not really.

Under this reform, senior citizens will be able to keep their Medicare just as it is, or they can choose a Medicare plan that fits them best...

Which isn't really a Medicare plan as much as it's a private insurance plan that's going to wind up helping no one, other than all those super rich private insurance companies that continue to donate lots and lots and lots of cash to help me get reelected.

I ask you to give lower-income Americans a refundable tax credit that would allow millions to buy their own basic health insurance...

So I can quietly phase out Medicare and Medicaid.

To protect the doctor-patient relationship, and keep good doctors doing good work, we must eliminate wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits...

Because we mustn't continue to hold doctors accountable for the deadly mistakes that they make during surgical procedures. It's the patient's fault; they shouldn't have been sleeping.

A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription..

Unless you actually like prescriptions that work.

By keeping costs under control, expanding access, and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America's...

Big HMOs gobs and gobs of excess cash.   

The values we try to live by never change...

For the better, as long as a bunch of zany Republicans are running the country.

And when it comes to helping children make right choices, there is work for all of us to do...

My dad and mom didn't do any of that work, and, consequently, I made lots of poor choices like becoming an alcoholic, driving drunk, doing drugs, executing tons of people and stealing the 2000 Presidential Election.

One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives and futures on drugs...

Like I did. 

Our government is helping parents confront this problem, with aggressive education, treatment, and law enforcement...

We've gotten so strict, that if I happened to be 18 years old now, I'd be put in jail for life!

Drug testing in our schools has proven to be an effective part of this effort..

And terribly invasive. 

So tonight I propose an additional 23 million for schools that want to use drug testing as a tool to save children's lives...

As they violate them.

The aim here is not to punish children, but to send them this message:  We love you, and we don't want to lose you...

And you're going to be punished!

The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message -- that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character...

I send that message every day as President.  I avoided the war, did lots of drugs and drove really drunk, but I got to be President.  And kids, so can you!

So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now...

Because I'm sort of running out of things to say in this State of the Union, so I figured I'd throw this Steroid thing in.

We will double Federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases...

And a great way to avoid teaching teenagers, who are going to have sex anyway, how to protect themselves from the diseases they're going to get due to being fucked by our hypocritical and foolish abstinence programs.

All of us -- parents, and schools, and government -- must work together to counter the negative influence of the culture, and to send the right messages to our children...

That their sexual feelings our wrong and abstinence programs will get the religious fundamentalists to reelect me.

A strong America must also value the institution of marriage...

By being completely homophobic.

Activist judges ... have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives...

Unless you count homosexuals as people.

On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard...

Unless you count homosexuals as people.

If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. 

And I was just hinting at adding an Amendment to the Constitution which would prevent gays from getting married.  So much for Republicans getting Big Government™ out of your lives!  And coming off as a seething homophobe will get the religious fundamentalists to reelect me!

Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage...

Even though Big Government™ really has no business deciding who can and can't get married.

The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight...

Unless you count homosexuals as individuals.

It is also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the compassion of America's religious institutions. 

Upon an unwilling public, who may not want religion crammed down its throat.

Religious charities of every creed are doing some of the most vital work in our country -- mentoring children, feeding the hungry, taking the hand of the lonely.

And they're doing it without the Government's help. 

Yet government has often denied social service grants and contracts to these groups, just because they have a cross or a Star of David or a crescent on the wall. 

And it would eventually screw up both the Government and the religious groups.  We want Big Government™ out of people's pockets, but into their churches.  Ain't Republicans grand?

By Executive Order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities.  Tonight I ask you to codify this into law, so people of faith can know that the law will never discriminate against them again...

Because, even though most Americans consider themselves to be Christian, tapping into this persecution paranoia many of them have will get the religious fundamentalists to reelect me!

So tonight, I propose a four-year, 300 million dollar Prisoner Re-Entry Initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide transitional housing, and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring, including from faith-based groups...

Not that I care about prisoners (I killed a ton of them when I was Governor), but mentioning "faith-based groups" will get the religious fundamentalists to reelect me!  Not to mention, that "compassionate conservative" thing worked for me back in '99.

America is the land of the second chance...

Unless you're executed by a hypocritical Texas Governor who plays Christian, but ignores the most important of the Ten Commandments, "Thou Shall Not Kill."

 -- and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life...

Or the morgue, if Governor Bush had his way with ya!

For all Americans, the last three years have brought tests we did not ask for...

Such as putting up with an illegitimate President who runs the country like he has a Mandate.

By our actions, we have shown what kind of nation we are...

And it turns out we're a nation of assholes!

In challenge, we rediscovered the courage and daring of a free people...

By taking away many of their freedoms.

I have been a witness to the character of the American people, who have shown calm in times of danger...

Outside of that moron Tom Ridge, who seems to put us on Orange (High) Alert every time there's a Holiday (talk about the boy who cried wolf).

compassion for one another,

Unless you count homosexuals as "one another."

My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with confidence and faith...

Based groups.

The cause we serve is right, because it is the cause of all mankind...

Outside of those pricks over in France. 

The momentum of freedom in our world is unmistakable -- and it is not carried forward by our power alone...

But pretty much mostly it is.

We can trust in that greater power who guides the unfolding of the years.

Because this is no longer the State of the Union, it's now Sunday School. 

And in all that is to come, we can know that His purposes are just and true.

And mentioning Him will get the religious fundamentalists to reelect me!

Thank you...

For proving that a sucker is born every second ― and they all vote Republican!

I'd like to give special thanks to George W. Bush and his speechwriters for assisting with this update.  Anyone have any comments or questions?  Email me.

Everything in bold and/or italic print ©2004 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll show you one bitch of a "junk and frivolous" lawsuit.