Rape of the Union Address:
The Lines You Didn't Get to Hear in the State of the Union Address

*Major changes added 2/04/06! Finalized version below*

Due to yet another technical error (this is three years in a row -- the prompters must be made by Microsoft), George W. Bush was only able to see and deliver the first half of his remarks listed on his teleprompter (or, as he calls it, "The, 'Proof I Can Read Machine'").  The second half of each statement read during the address was eliminated. The Juicy Cerebellum has managed to come across the full speech, as it was intended. Here is the real January 31st, 2006 State of the Union Address (the bold and italicized sentences are the ones that George W. didn't see, but planned on reading).

We have gathered under this Capitol dome in moments of national achievement....

Speaking of "dome," has anyone here seen "Bio-Dome"?  It's that one that stars Pauly Shore and that Republican Baldwin?  The one that was born-again, after realizing he didn't have a career in film?  You can't go wrong with a Pauly Shore picture.  I laughed to the point where Laura thought I was drinking again.  I was, but that's beside the point.  Heh-heh.  *Wink* 

We have served America through one of the most consequential periods of our history -- and it has been my honor to serve with you ...

One time I even served a fake turkey to our troops in Baghdad!  Karl Rove insisted on my using the word "consequential."  Karl sometimes tells me that he is the world's greatest ventriloquist.  Whenever I say his words, nobody can see his lips moving.

Tonight the state of our Union is strong -- and together we will make it stronger.

This was initially going to be a State of the Union Product Placement for Viagra, which I frequently use, but a few staffers thought it would be distasteful.  I didn't want to take Viagra initially, but Karl Rove told me it was sort of like a "Scooby-Snack."  Maybe he's telling the truth, because he screams, "Scooby-Dooby-Doo" every time we play "Brokeback Mountain" together.

We will choose to act confidently in pursuing the enemies of freedom ...

Like those guys at Google.

We will choose to build our prosperity by leading the world economy -- or shut ourselves off from trade and opportunity ...

The opportunity to fire Americans, so we can hire cheaper labor in Mexico, China and India.  They work hard, complain little, and rarely have a problem giving birth on the factory floor for a quarter an hour. Better yet, they're back to work the next day, so they can afford their weekly meals of rice and beans.

Abroad, our nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal -- we seek the end of tyranny in our world. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism. In reality, the future security of America depends on ...

Cheap 6 piece Chicken McNuggets and Shamrock Shakes!

No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against ...

The Government tapping their phones, searching their homes and arresting them for wanting to protect the world's environment, or American's Civil Rights.  Those traitors don't like Chicken McNuggets or Shamrock Shakes!  I've been told they consume lots of Tofu and organic bananas!   

The United States will not retreat from the world, and we will never surrender to evil ...

Organic bananas!

We're on the offensive in Iraq, with a clear plan for victory ...

First we were there because of Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Then it was about finding Saddam Hussein.  Now we're there to bring "Democracy" to Iraq.  Like we did with Democracy in Palestine.  That worked well.

we're continuing reconstruction efforts ...

Because Halliburton needs more cash and has even more contaminated water to sell to our soldiers! 

Hindsight alone is not wisdom, and second-guessing is not a strategy ...

Remember when Milli Vanilli pretended they were singing their own songs?  That's kind of like what we did when we pretended we were going after Osama bin Laden.  We're not as good looking as Milli Vanilli -- or even Osama bin Laden -- but Karl, Dick and I put on fake dreadlocks and ram our chests together while singing "Blame it on the Rain."  Then we laugh and drink about 20 beers each.  Usually "Billy Beer."  Dick says it's "ironic" we drink "Liberal" brew.  I don't know what "ironic" or "brew" means, but I like beer.

Liberty is the right and hope of all humanity ...

As long as they don't use the Internet or telephones.  We're tapping every conversation you have.  Tina, I can't believe you screwed Josh behind Andy's back!  You so nasty, girl!

Isolationism would not only tie our hands in fighting enemies ...

Karl tied my hands the first time we played "Brokeback Mountain."  The game made my asshole bleed for a week.  Maybe that's why it has "Brokeback" in the title.

The only way to protect our people, the only way to secure the peace, the only way to control our destiny is through ...

Dictatorship.

The United States of America will continue to lead ...

As Dictators.

We love our freedom, and we will fight to keep it ...

If you aren't looking up "Lactating Breasts" on Google.  Our fight for freedom is about as real as Britney Spears' tits.  Heh-heh.  *Wink*

We're continuing reconstruction efforts, and helping the Iraqi government to fight corruption and build a modern economy, so all Iraqis can experience the benefits of freedom ...

Which just may include a 6 piece order of Chicken McNuggets and Shamrock Shakes made with contaminated water provided by McHalliburton.

Fellow citizens, we are in this fight to win, and we are winning ...

If "winning" means "losing."  Remember, I am dyslexic.

There is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but ...

Our lies.

Liberty is the right and hope of all humanity ...

Unless you're American.  Or gay.  Or don't agree with what I say.  That rhymed!  I have an earpiece in, like I did during the Presidential debates, and Karl Rove just whispered, "Who said you're not the most clever President to deliver a State of the Union Address?"  I'm not going to debate Karl.  Farl!  I just did it again!

Regions overwhelmed by poverty, corruption, and despair are sources of terrorism, and organized crime, and human trafficking, and the drug trade ...

But without them, how would we get our $399.99 XBOX 360's?  Every single time I play Project Gotham Racing, I scream, "Thank God for poverty, corruption, and despair!"  It got me that game for $59.99.  My console broke, and I can't play it right now, but you can't expect people making twenty-five cents an hour to make a quality unit.  If American's made this "American" machine, it would cost as much as $419.99!  That's at least $1,000,000.00 more than it currently goes for (Dick says I'm not "so good" at math).

Our country must also remain on the offensive against terrorism here at home ...

Unless it gets us cheap XBOX 360's -- at least until they're "silently" recalled due to an overheating power supply.

The enemy has not lost the desire or capability to attack us ...

Through overheating power supplies.

I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act ...

Because taking away anything and everything that makes America special is a good thing.

Prior to the attacks of September the 11th, our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy ...

By "our" I mean "The Bush Administration."

Roosevelt to Truman to Kennedy to Reagan ...

Would be sickened over how I'm running the United States of America.    

Our economy is healthy and vigorous. We need more than temporary tax relief. I urge the Congress to act responsibly, and make the tax cuts permanent ...

Even though that will only help the upper 1%.  My XBOX 360 "friend list" is full of rich folk wanting a permanent tax cut.  So please make the tax cuts permanent for the people who need it the least.  Like Bill Gates.  And Elmo.

We want people everywhere to buy American ...

If you can find the 1 out of 10 products that are made in America.  Even the American Flags sold at Wal-Mart are made in Taiwan.  But those Wal-Mart employees with the blue vests that ask, "How may I help you?" were probably made in America.  These folks are proud to work at Wal-Mart.  They watched a video that said unions are bad and the best healthcare is Medicaid.  Since our tax dollars pay for their healthcare, we can ask them lots of questions about horrible Sanyo products, right? 

No one can out-produce or out-compete the American worker ...

But plenty of people can outsource the American worker's job.

Our government has a responsibility to provide health care for the poor and the elderly, and we are meeting that responsibility ...

If by "meeting" I mean the poor and elderly are as broke as my XBOX 360.

Because lawsuits are driving many good doctors out of practice -- leaving women in nearly 1,500 American counties without a single OB/GYN -- ask the Congress to pass medical liability reform this year ...

Doctors are making a fortune.  But they're convinced they're "poor," due to fictional lawsuits.  A doctor is sued as often as a popsicle is accused of being made of buffalo meat.  Ask your paranoid doctor how many times he or she's been brought to court.  The answer will inevitably be "never."  But their cousin's sister's friend's father was sued straight out of the medical practice.

The Supreme Court now has two superb new members -- new members on its bench: Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Sam Alito ...

Roberts is the friendly Wally Beaver-ish Nazi type.  He makes people feel good about losing their rights.  Alito?  Oh, good Lord.  That man is as pleasant as heart failure on Easter Sunday. 

Hey, did somebody forget to type anything in about New Orleans?  Aren't we going to talk about an entire lost city and the destruction of much of Louisiana?  I'm getting feedback here ... was my mic turned off ... hello?  Hello?

I'd like to give special thanks to George W. Bush and his speechwriters for assisting with this update.  Anyone have any comments or questions?  Email me.

Everything in bold and/or italic print 2006 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll show you one bitch of a "junk and frivolous" lawsuit.