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Going Through the Motions
Written by:  Alex Sandell

I am so fucking sick of this page.  Every week I come up with two or three things to update it with, and every week I get more and more tired of the two or three things that I come up with.  Maybe I should start living my life instead of writing about the life that I'm living.  Maybe I need someone to validate what I write by saying I'm worthwhile, while backing up their comments by proving that I'm actually worth something more than a compliment.  Maybe I need to quit working minimum wage jobs while watching one generation of morons after another, with 1/100th of the skill/talent that I have, go on to be rich.  Maybe I need to stop being a dreamer and start being the realist this world requires me to be to become a success.  I dunno, chalk it up to depression, but this "paycheck to paycheck, no health or dental insurance, haven't been to the dentist in 7 years, can't afford to get the medical treatment I need to stay alive" life is getting really fucking old.   Along with it, so is my page.  I can feel the depression oozing through each update, even those that I try to make humorous.  I can see that I'm only going through the motions.  Determined to make it what it once was, rather than what it is.

I'm obviously not the only one who thinks so.   Over the past month, the emails I receive regarding my updates have become fewer and farther between.  I've went from 100 emails per day, in regards to one update, to 11 or 12 in a week.  Nobody gives a shit about what I have to say anymore.  At least not enough to write about it.

If anything, people are inspired to write in and tell me how much they don't care about what I'm writing.  Example: in the middle of typing this update, I received an email stating that my page had lost its "edge" and that it is "like the next step in cyber-evolution toward sponsoring a cyber-mortuary."  Sure, the idiot that wrote the letter has been a thorn in my side for the past year, and couldn't write his way out of a mausoleum, but maybe it was more than just a little ironic that I received his email while writing an update about how much I am currently sucking.

Maybe we're both to blame.  You, as the audience, have just accepted this shit as it is, and don't feel like provoking me into making it better.  I, as the author, have just gotten tired of it, and don't feel overly motivated to write another update no one really cares to read. 

To be honest, I have only felt inspired once or twice in the past month, and that was while writing "From Tatooine to Colorado:  The Last Hope of the Damned Generation" and my movie reviews.  Those were the only times that my heart was really standing behind what I was saying.  The rest of the mind-spew you read was just there to fill space.  Something to make sure my limited audience keeps coming back.  Somehow, a part of me continues saying, "keep trying," while the rest of me screams, "GIVE IT UP!" 

Give up before I do.  Don't be here to watch me completely fall apart.  Leave this page now; this is your last warning.  As of today, The Juicy Cerebellum is written by a freak and read only by losers.   I'm sick of it, and so are you.

All contents are ęCopyright 1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. 

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