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It all began on a seemingly normal day in late September. I had been up nights fretting over the sexual orientation of my childhood hero, Kermit the Frog. If he was really straight, why didn't he go after Janice, or one of the guest stars, rather than putting up with an obnoxious pig? I mean, Janice was sorta hot, for a Muppet. Maybe he just had a thing for fat chicks. But if it was an extreme sexual craving for blobby bodies, and he was hetero, why didn't he book any weighty women on the show? He booked numerous heavy men ... OH GAWD, HE HAS A THING FOR LARD AND HE BOOKED NUMEROUS HEAVY MEN! PIGGY'S VOICE WAS REALLY DONE BY A MALE NAMED FRANK! HE BOOKED LIBERACE ... TWICE! The unanswered questions and thoughts were traumatizing me in a way that nothing had since Mark Hamill first grew a mustache. I knew I had to start getting opinions, and fast, and it was then that Totally Juicy Suvey was born. 58% of you thought Kermit was a homosexual, but only because Miss Piggy was all he could get. 30% of you thought that there was no way "Kermie" was the world's first famous froggy faggot (that honor would be bestowed upon video game legend, Frogger). Only 12% of you thought our lovable Kermit was actually boffing Fozzie Bear during commercial breaks because he was "born that way." The matter was settled: Miss Piggy drove the poor amphibian to homosexuality. Once again I could sleep. The next day I woke up with another in-depth question, and put it online, where you were all too eager to answer. Now, 3 months later, here are the questions I asked, and the answers you gave, during the objective month of October. We can now see where we stand as a Juicy collective. Then maybe we can all get really obsessed with me, and I'll turn into a psycho fascist that tries to take over the world under the guise of stopping SPAM. Oh, the possibilities. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, let's see where we stand in the game of
Written by: Alex Sandell
Texas should ...
12% of you thought that Texas should
stay a part of the United States.
17% of you thought that Texas should become its own country.
77% of you thought that Texas should become a nuclear testing ground.
There were no big surprises here. Since the beginning, I've always said that "77% of my readers are fairly intelligent people, 17% are about average, and the other 12% are from Texas."
Who would make the best President?
4% of you picked Al Gore.
3% of you picked George Bush.
17% of you picked Ralph Nader.
10% of you picked David McReynolds.
66% of you picked Alex Sandell.
And I woulda won, too, if it weren't for you meddling age restrictions!
58% of you thought they were worth
9% of you thought they weren't worth the effort, and that getting an STD would be better.
33% of you were virgins, and didn't care.
Being that this survey is already 3 months old, I'm guessing that the 33% virgin number has probably been whittled, poked and screwed down to about 1%, and the 9% "STD would be better" number has well, turned into a lot of hospital beds and corpses. Maybe the 9% met the 33% before the 9% died, and spread their "love" to the 33%, causing the 33% to change their answer to that of the 9%, raising the 9% to 33%, and altering the results of this survey. Did I mention that none of this is scientific?
My favorite position is...
34% of you chose "on top."
27% of you chose "on bottom."
15% of you chose "doggy style."
12% of you chose "69."
11% of you chose "Twister."
This survey always gets me all horny. I probably prefer being either on top, on bottom, in doggy style, or twister mode, so I'm only incompatible with you "69" types. Although, you could probably get me to 69 if you sweet-talked me into it by saying something romantic like, "I promise I won't fart."
Tilting Windmills ...
14% of you thought tilting windmills
"is a loser's game."
47% of you thought tilting windmills "is worth the effort, even if everyone IS laughing at you."
39% of you thought tilting windmills "is a good way to pick up chicks."
I've found the last two are both accurate. What's wrong with the 14% of you that decided it's "a loser's game?" Has life really become that hopeless for you? Why give up on the cause (whatever "cause" that may be) so easily? "Tilt on," I always say.
The ugliest "private part" is ...
4% of you picked the penis.
28% of you picked the scrotum.
25% of you picked the vagina.
18% of you picked the rectum.
25% of you picked the weird grown on your partner's ass.
The scrotum and vagina were neck in neck (so to speak) in this race, until the very end, when the scrotum pulled ahead and became the ugliest "private part" in Juicy readers minds. I guess I should have asked which smelled worse. In the end (no pun intended), men still claimed victory with the penis receiving the least number of votes for ugliest part. Our shared private part, the rectum, received a modest 18%. I guess you can't blame the "part" for all of the gross things that it does. It's actually kind of cute lookin', really. Uh, maybe I shouldn't of typed out that last line. NEXT!
The Death Penalty is ...
of you said the death penalty is "morally reprehensible and should NOT be
used under any circumstance."
24% of you said that it's not "a bad idea in theory, but is too risky in practice."
11% of you said that it's "a just form of punishment, even if a few innocent people ARE killed because of it."
11% of you said that it's making you horny.
Could the 11% of you that said the death penalty is a "just form of punishment" even if "a few innocent people" are killed, please identify yourselves, so I can see if you give the same answer when your "innocent" ass is strapped down and about to get punished "justly?"
Tits or ass?
of you chose tits because "they're bouncy and fun!"
37% of you chose ass because "it's for more than just shitting!"
A nice ass is always neat, but I'd take a good pair of tits, any day. Mmm ... tiiiiiiiiiiitssss.
I'd drink a quart of semen for ...
of you would drink a quart of semen for "the price of a good bottle of
7% of you would do it for $1,000.00.
18% of you would do it for $100,000.00.
55% of you would need at least $1,000,000.00 to start getting thirsty.
18% of you would do it for free, because you could "use the protein."
1% would do it for the price of a good bottle of mouthwash? Must be from a third-world country.
To stop babies from *CRYING* in theaters we should ...
of you thought that we should have a dedicated "baby" day each week
where parents can bring their brats.
12% of you thought that we should have parents hire a babysitter, for once in their damn lives.
24% of you thought that we should have parents with crying babies be stripped nude and ridiculed.
8% of you thought that we should introduce parents to a video store.
46% of you thought that we should outlaw childbirth so we can call watch films in peace.
The whole overpopulation thing pisses me off, and if people are going to be selfish enough to reproduce, I'd say they should keep their damn crying snots home when they go to the movies, or stay home themselves.
I skipped a few of them (fifteen being "a few"), but that pretty much covers the month of October ("pretty much covers" being "covers about half"). Be back for November! And then be back again for December! And then, I'm sure we'll be doing January sometime in February! In the meantime, don't forget to take today's survey!
©2000 Alex Sandell [all rights reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and you'll know just how slimy a frog's dick really is!
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