Killing Contestants:
Bettering Survivor 2, one Bite at a Time
Written by:  Alex Sandell

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Australia, along comes the overblown, over-hyped and overly-anticipated Survivor 2.  As I predicted, it was nearly identical to part 1, with a few more pretty faces (no naked fat guy this time).  Otherwise, we had the same music, the same idiotic use of scary things like bugs to show us the constant danger the Survivor gang (or was it the cast of Dawson's Creek?) was up against, and the same moronic VH1 Jeopardy guy hosting it.  

Now, if I know one thing about Americans, it's that the majority of them are dumb.  Unfortunately for this new Survivor, if I know two things about Americans, it's that the majority of them are dumb and, unless they're in an eighties bar, a disco bar, a small-town bar, or the South, into "the next big thing," not "yesterday's greatest hits."  This is why Survivor 2 needs to revamp itself, if it wants to "survive" in the network war of the ratings. Being that I've always loved nothing more than giving free advice to big corporations to help them make more money, I am about to offer a few suggestions on what Survivor 2 needs to be as big a hit as the first one:

Dumber contestants

Play into America's "dumb" factor by getting even more imbecilic, annoying, immature contestants.  I admit that the ones you found are pretty stupid, but they just may be a little too smart for the average Survivor viewer to relate to.  How do you solve this?  Only accept applications from retards, vegetables and members of the Bush family.  

More violence

If America isn't demanding more T&A&A (Tits & Ass & Abs), they're sure to be crying out for more gore.  This problem is easily solved.  How?  Feed any contestants voted off of the island to the crocodiles.  

Get rid of the bandanas 

Product placement is one thing, but requiring the contestants of Survivor to wear Survivor bandanas is ridiculous.  I know the thoughts of "wear a Survivor bandana around your wrist, just like Kimmi, for only $19.99!" type advertising was a powerful draw, but it should have been avoided.  Could you imagine Indiana Jones wearing an Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade patch on his fedora hat in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?  Do you think George Lucas would stoop so low as to having Anakin Skywalker wearing a vintage Darth Vader T-shirt in the next episode of Star Wars?  How about Jason Voorhees strangling a victim with a Friday the 13th bandana?  It's a stupid idea, and it doesn't fly.  Drop it. 

Turn the Immunity Idol into a bong

Screw the matches, give those Survivor tribes something to fight for, like a whole bunch of pot packed into an ancient doll.  I can guarantee you they'll find a way to light a fire using sticks, then.

Get a fat girl to walk around naked, this time

The "I like big butts" single didn't sell millions of copies for nothing.  

Add commentary

I know the interviews with the contestants is all "Real World-y" and everything, but, frankly, it's fucking boring.  Get Howard Stern, those two guys from The Man Show, Larry King, Ralph Nader, Jesse Helms, Dr. Laura and Jesse Jackson together as commentators, and watch the magic. 

Use chads, and demand a recount

Whenever somebody is voted off the island, have them demand a recount.  This could prolong the results for weeks, lead to interesting battles, lots of American flags, and an intervention by the US Supreme Court.  Ratings will soar (on CNN).

Have a guest appearance by Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter

I mean, since you're already in Australia, you may as well take advantage of one of its many ("many" meaning about 3) international celebrities.  "Crikey! Amber and the crocodile are gettin' into quite the barney.  This one's a real beaut, she is, and Amber isn't so bad herself!  The way the croc pulled Amber under and then bit her in half in one swift bite was a hell of a doozy!  A hell of a doozy!"

Give away a different prize

One million dollars is a lot of money, and everything, but Who Wants to be A Millionaire is already offering like a billion a night, to up its recently pathetic ratings.  The whole "do stuff for money" thing has been done to death.  Instead of a cool million, how about the winner wins a night with Richard Hatch?  Not only do you get some (potentially) gay lovin', but also a tie-in to the original series, and a cameo from one of the original "stars."  What more could you want?

Actually have a contestant from Australia on the "Australian Outback" Survivor

It would only be fair . . .

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2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  The words "Survivor," "Idol" and "Immunity" are now the property of CBS.  Please do not even think them without getting permission to do so from CBS Incorporated.