Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Buffy - UPN Presents

The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers

Harry Potter - Polyjuice



*Updated 12/4/02 - 12:01 AM*
Attack of the Clones VS. The Fellowship of the Ring:
Here's a Saber in Your Eye, LOTR!
Written by:  Alex Sandell
Title Graphic by:  Scott Maxwell, based on a concept by Alex Sandell

*NEW INTRO ADDED 11/27/02*

Since first putting this "versus" update online, I have been sent just over 300 nasty emails from once prime candidates for abortions, each of them frothing at the mouth over the professed victory of "their" lengthy LOTR geek-fest, claiming that I was wrong in my prediction that Attack of the Clones -- an incredibly weak entry into the Star Wars' saga -- would outperform Fellowship of the Ring at the box office.  They told me that the lousy Attack of the Clones wouldn't even come close to the lousy FOTR's $313 million. 

I grew tired of the hate mail, honestly didn't care which one of these two shitheaps took home the trophy, and wondered if this "battle" was all worth it.  Being that I don't consider any film a religion, and refuse to live my life vicariously through the movies that I enjoy (ironically enough, I didn't really enjoy either of these movies), I decided to drop the entire "versus" thing, in hopes that the LOTR fans would leave me the hell alone and get back to playing their The Two Towers video game. 

Of course the absence of the updates sent LOTR fans into a nerdy tizzy.  "You're a lowly coward.  Now that you see The Fellowship of the Ring is going to do better than Attack of the Clones you run and hide like a little baby with a lightsaber lollypop in your mouth pretending none of this ever happened," claimed one fairly articulate LOTR loony. 

Actually, the "lightsaber lollypop" line was mine, but I felt the need to give these walking blobs of monkey IQ a fair shake in the put-down department.  The best the knuckleheads could do without my assistance was to take cheap shots at my dearly departed dog and to threaten my life through cyberspace.  Now, if someone disagreeing with you on a film causes you to want to kill that said someone, you have issues, dude.

I received many more non-threatening emails from LOTR lobotomies crying over the fact that I wasn't posting what they perceived to be a "victory" for The Fellowship of the Ring.  I shoved them all aside until I started receiving death threats.  A geek I can handle.  A geek with a grudge I can handle.  A geek with a grudge and a gun?  Well, he's gonna get just what he asked for, and that's the conclusion to this wonderful box office battle. 

So, to you fuckhead LOTR fans (and not all LOTR fans are fuckheads, although a little psychotherapy for the majority of them probably wouldn't hurt) who think I somehow "chickened out" of this petty battle you've taken so seriously, let me say: I'm here for the long-haul, and it's time to let the games begin ... again! 


11/25/02 - $0.00

11/25/02 - $56,346



11/26/02 - $0.00

11/26/02 - $60,928



11/27/02 - $0.00

11/27/02 - $79,137



11/28/02 - $0.00

11/28/02 - $60,030



11/29/02 - $0.00

11/29/02 - $260,700



11/30/02 - $0.00

11/30/02 - $259,220



12/1/02 - $0.00

12/1/02 - $112,002



12/2/02 - $0.00

12/2/02 - $58,020 (est.)




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