Would you like to eat me?
Written by: Alex Sandell

Alright, we've got a few problems here. One: We're horny. Two: We're hungry. Three: We're selfish. In 1950, there was 2.5 billion people running around, thinking they're God's gift to the planet. In 1995, there was an additional three billion, bringing the total up to a whopping 5.5 billion living human beings.

It's estimated that in 30 years, the number will double, and there will be 11 BILLION self-centered little dweebs thinking the world revolves around them. Each of these people (especially those born in affluent countries, or countries pretending that they're affluent, depending on how you look at it) will want to make a nice living, and consume as though there's no tomorrow.

There's a problem with this. Out of the 5 or 6 billion people we already have, 1 billion are trying to live on less than one-dollar a day. I'm guessing that's kinda tough.

Not only are these people going hungry, they're going hungry in a world which contains certain countries where obesity is the biggest health problem there is. A world which is basically being sucked dry by two fat, greedy slobs: Canada and America.

Canadians and Americans consume more, per person, than in any other place in the world, with exception to the Netherlands. And, honestly, who really cares about the Netherlands? Averaged out, in both countries (US and Canada), each citizen is consuming nearly 15 times that of what he or she can consume to sustain life on this earth. If this rate of consumption and reproduction stays the same, in 30 years, each American and Canadian individual will be consuming 30 times that of what he or she is actually able to.

There's a problem with this. It's rather simple, really. It can't be done.

If things remain, as they are, and there is no miraculous new technology to help us solve these problems; in 30 years, there will be NO room for anything besides humans and the few select animals they choose to keep alive, for their own good. With such stress on the environment; famine, sickness, crime and more likely than not, human extinction will occur.

Personally, I've always found human extinction to be a fairly good concept for world preservation. Only, in 30 years time, it may be too little, too late. That's why I've came up with a plan:

We should eat each other!

Hey, we all love a good burger, right? I mean, currently, the US, Canada, and to a lesser extent, other countries (France, England, Sweden, Denmark, and Finland all come to mind), are, on a per-person level, consuming sooooooo much meat, it's basically destroying the countries that supply the dead cattle.

You see, we in America and Canada didn't want ALL of our forests cut down, to produce hamburgers, so we basically bought out other countries, and told them to do it for us. (They call it "colonizing.") These countries then turned what was once farmland for vegetables, grains and other stuff that grows out of the ground into meat producing plants. 

It didn't end with these meat-exporting countries taking over the farmland, and chopping down forests, to make us some tasty barbecued ribs. It went even further. The countries ended up chopping down even more forests, and taking over even more farmland to produce palm-kernel cake, which fattens up the cows.  People who depended on these areas for their livelihood have been forced into big cities which are getting more polluted, overcrowded and hopeless, every day.

It's gotten SO bad, that a lot of these Southern countries are getting the majority of grains that they use as an exchange for the meats they export to the US and Canada. Why? They have nowhere left to grow their own. They have simply replaced all their farmland with places to raise cows and pigs.

Once these countries get the grains from the US and Canada, guess where most of it is going?  Definitely not to the poor people sent to the inner-city by our carnivorous habits.  Being that the soil used to produce the palm-kernel cakes which fatten the cows that feed the American that fattens his wallet is being so drastically overused, it's now virtually useless.

Because of this, the grains we initially exported for human consumption are now replacing the cakes that were once used to fatten the cows. So the food meant to help them is now doing nothing more than helping us keep our pot-bellies intact.

Which brings me back to my "we should eat each other" plan. If we did this, not only would we still be able to eat meat, while giving the environment a little more of a chance, we'd reduce the population, too! This way, the overpopulation issue would be solved, we'd still get a burger with our fries, and smaller countries we've destroyed through over-consumption could recover.

There's a problem with this. Who would volunteer to be eaten? No one.

The solution I offer is threefold. One: we start with those folks in the Netherlands, since no one would miss them. Two: we move on to the CEOs and management of all fast-food restaurants. Three: anyone that chooses to have a child, knowing the social and environmental implications, would be immediately slaughtered, after their child has been properly raised.

If eating people's parents on graduation day leaves you a little queasy, you might want to listen to my backup plan. It may not ever have to come to parental slaughtering, if we use the "from the top, down" program.

Obviously, the richest person in America is consuming more than that poor person making a dollar a day. If we started with these pigs making millions, or even billions, every year, we may never have to worry about chowing down on stubborn humans whose need to procreate outweighs their common sense. I'm starting to drool, just thinking about a deluxe "Microsoft" burger.

With this plan, the upper 20% could give a little something back to the bottom 80% they've been robbing from, year after year. Imagine a "McCEO". Or "Executive Filet". I'm personally looking forward to the "Rich Guy McNuggets".

This should feed us through the year 3,000, at which point we'll hopefully be back down to the 2.5 billion people we had in 1950, and we can start over. Hopefully, this time, with a bit more self-control.

1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you choose to copy this, without permission from the author, you'll be the first one on my plate.

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