The 50 Best Movies Ever Made
(Not Counting Cartoons without an "Iron Giant" in them, or Porn)
Written by:  Alex Sandell

Note: This list was written in 1999.  There have been many changes and additions since then.  I plan to update it soon.

This is it.  If you like movies, this is the list to end all lists (until I make another one).  The ultimate checklist.  The movie guide for the psycho inside!  If you haven't seen everything below, print this out, get to the video store and tell the clerk, "I don't want to be deprived anymore - find me these films!"  If the store you shop at doesn't stock all 50 of these films, please use your mouse to highlight the blank spot below and take it from there:

Dear Manager of The Worst Video Store On Earth -

GET A CLUE, MORON!   What's wrong with you, running a pathetic outfit like this?  You wouldn't know a good movie from the dried up sock you cum in every night!  Why don't you quit this job and go after your true calling as a burger-flipper?  You aren't WORTHY of working around movies.  You aren't worthy of pressing the buttons on a cash register in a store that is next to a store that has movies.  If you don't get the movies I demand, by this time next week, I'll have your job, and I'll take your precious sock along with it!

There, now that we got that out of the way, on to the list:

2001:  A Space Odyssey
I have yet to meet a female who likes it.  That's probably why guys love it so much.

Annie Hall
Typical Woody Allen from back in those days when Woody Allen wasn't just typical.

My all-time favorite "G" rated "kids movie."  Turns me into a vegetarian every time that I see it.  Unfortunately (at least for farm animals), I don't see it every day.  Mmm . . . Pooooork chooooops.  *drool*

Babe:  Pig in the City
Lives up to the original by going a totally different direction.  "Pig in the City" is similar to the original "Babe" only in spirit (I.E. - throws me into brief "vegetarian" moments).  The movie itself is refreshingly unique.

Big Carnival, The (AKA:  Ace in the Hole)
A man gets trapped alive when a mine collapses and a member of the media tries his best to insure the guy stays stuck until the press can play out the tragedy for all that it's worth. As predicted, the media makes an event out of it, and people start arriving by the truckload.  Pretty soon, everyone is having a grand 'ol time with cameras everywhere and a gigantic carnival built around the spot where the poor man is buried alive.  Director Billy Wilder created a media frenzy before people knew what a media frenzy was.  A must see!

Bridges of Madison County
Somehow the romance and characters in this movie came off to me as entirely real.   I believed they were in love and their feelings for one another could last for a lifetime (and I thought including "Friday the 13th" in this "Best Movies Ever" list was gonna be embarrassing). 

Citizen Kane
The heartwarming story of a boy and his sled.

I liked this way more than most people, so you might not want to trust me on this one.  A thought-provoking sci-fi film starring Jodie Foster and some guy from Texas.

Dances With Wolves
Yes, Kevin Costner did make a good movie once.  I'm sure this is at the top of his resume during every audition.  Anything to bury The Postman.

Dark Crystal, The
A big ass bomb at the theaters, Brian Henson said this movie contributed to his father's death.  Enjoy!

Dead Man Walking
This movie does the impossible:  It makes you feel sympathy for Sean Penn.   Amazing . . .

Die Hard
When this came out, it was a pretty unique action film.  Now that there's been ten-million rip offs and a couple of sequels (not to mention all the sequels to the ten-million rip offs), it might seem a little old.  Still, at least in this case, the original is always the best.  This movie's "greatness" factor moves it beyond the "Bruce Willisness" of it all.

This movie single-handedly restored my faith in the "teen flick."   Lots of crude sex jokes and a wickedly dark undertone.  Fun for all ages!

Even better than all those insurance commercials he's starred in, lately!

Evil Dead 2:  Dead by Dawn
Zombies, decapitations, tons of blood and demonic possession.  One of the funniest films ever made.

The Coen Brother's definitive masterpiece.  And nO we dOn't all talk like this in MinnesOta.  Just Jesse Ventura.

Friday the 13th
After including "Bridges of Madison County," what do I have to lose?

Fried Green Tomatoes
For some reason, I absolutely loved this movie and, even after seeing it 5 or 10 times, keep loving it.  It must be the chick in me.  That sounded kinda erotic.

Although we've seen most of this before, the message still rings true and we've never seen it done quite like this.  Science fiction for the poet in you.

Glengarry Glen Ross
Employers suck.

Heavenly Creatures
Kate Winslet's first big role, and director Peter Jackson's final stepping stone before going mainstream, "Heavenly Creatures" is proof that you don't have to take acid to go on a "trip." 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Hot on the heels of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Spielberg and Lucas pump out another gore-fest/thrill-ride.  Not as good as the first, due to Shorty the sidekick and the idiotic, annoying, screechy Kate Capshaw, who Spielberg went on to marry in real life.  Gotta love the scene with the bugs, though.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Spielberg and Lucas grow up and make a far less gory, more comedic, family-friendly Indy film.  Sean Connery and Harrison Ford make a great comedy duo in what was to be the last of the series (a fourth is now being considered.  "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Old Folks.").

Iron Giant, The
The biggest, boldest surprise of the last decade!  This is the best animated film, ever!!!  If you missed it at the theater, you may as well do yourself a favor by buying a gun and blowing your head off.  What's the point of going on?

I wouldn't go swimming for over a year . . . in a pool.  (Hey, I was only 3 years old.)  Still sends shivers up and down my spine. 

LA Confidential
Cops, killers . . . the line is blurred, drawn in the sand, and then blurred again.   If anyone claims, "they don't make 'em like they used to," show them this. 

20 years ago, Woody Allen made a black and white movie about the romance between an old man and a young girl.  20 years later, we find out it was a true story.

Muppet Movie, The
So what if a singing frog makes me cry?  "The Rainbow Connection" is the most moving song ever written. 

National Lampoon's Vacation
This has a special place in my heart only because it's the first "R" rated movie that I ever saw, and the first time I saw a naked pair of tits actually moving (before that it was pretty much "National Geographic" photos).  At 12 years old, a bouncing set of boobs is a pretty big thrill.  At 27, my love of all things "Lampoon" hasn't held up quite as well as my obsession with breasts, but "Vacation" still earns some pretty big laughs.

On Golden Pond
This movie actually makes getting super old and wrinkly look tolerable, even somewhat amusing.  Still, it can't save Jane Fonda from sucking. 

Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Steve Martin was actually funny?!?  John Candy was actually breathing?!?   John Hughes still knew his head from his ass?!?  It must have came from the eighties.

This gay Priest runs around being gay and stuff.  Had The Catholic League up in arms, which is worth a rental, right there.  A really well-written, well-directed and well-acted movie.

Pump Up The Volume
Most critics didn't seem to get it, and it made my grandmother start crying and grandfather die (they say it was Parkinson's, but you should have seen him when this came out on video).  "Is this really what you children are like?  Is this what the world's came to?!?" My grandmother asked.  My grandpa just sat there, making sounds of disgust that I never knew could come emanate from a human.

The 1960 version.  Anthony Perkins gives what I feel is the best performance ever in a horror movie (which, actually, may not be saying much).  Another classic from the Hitchcock camp.

Psycho IV:  The Beginning
A "prequel" before prequels were hip, Psycho IV went greatly unnoticed.   If you're familiar with the original, and haven't seen this one yet, you're in for a treat.  Find out how a life of loneliness and abuse can just make a kid turn into, well . . . Norman Bates.

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Han Solo with a bullwhip and fedora.  Probably the bloodiest movie to ever get a "PG" rating.  Made when Lucas and Spielberg were still at the top of their game (and probably on top of each other). 

Rear Window
Hitchcock created a surreal "otherworld" for the film and kept us enthralled with it for the entire two hours.  Ignore the amazingly crappy 1998 television thing starring Superman in a wheelchair, unless you're a glutton for suckiness.  

Roger & Me
The best documentary ever made.  A hilarious look at a depressing subject.   You'll never view corporations the same way again.

Stand By Me
A classic coming of age story.  "The Wonder Years" shamelessly stole from it a couple years later.

Star Trek IV:  The Voyage Home
Star Trek has put out a lot of boring movies and given nerds across the galaxy a reason to live, but when it does something right, it really does something right.   Not only is this great Science Fiction, it's an excellent comedy!

Star Trek:  First Contact (Part VIII)
See above, eliminate the "it's an excellent comedy" and you have your review.  You might wanna add something like, "Borgs RULE!" if you're sort of a nerd.

Star Wars:  A New Hope
I saw it waaay back 1n 1977, when I was 5.  Not even ending my virginity could compare. 

Star Wars:  The Empire Strikes Back
8 years old and I was still lovin' this "Star Wars" thing.  Looking back years later, this is probably the best of the trilogy.  Ending my virginity still couldn't compare.

Star Wars:  Return of the Jedi
The Ewoks kind of blew.  Ending my virginity was probably better.  Still a classic.

Star Wars:  The Phantom Menace
This is the only "Star Wars" I saw for the first time with adult eyes.   Unbelievably enough, they were almost as amazed as my child eyes were 22 years before.  Still, 7 times out of 10, I'd prefer a good blowjob.

Sunset Blvd.
It's 1950 and legendary director Billy Wilder exposes Hollywood in a movie so far ahead of its time I think it'll become a hit in about 2173 AD. 

Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The
Not for the faint of heart.  This is the most disturbing horror movie that has ever been.  A masterpiece, if you like that sort of thing.

To Kill a Mockingbird
I'm sure if it came out today, the title alone would have animal rights groups in a tizzy.  Maybe they could call it, "To Accidentally Injure a Mockingbird While Setting It Free From a College Laboratory."  My grandma's favorite movie.   "Much better than that crazy 'Pump up the Volume.'" she would say.

I'll never forgive Clint Eastwood if he doesn't make a western this good again.

Wizard of Oz, The
A classic family movie, midgets and all.

HEY, YOU - That's right, YOU!  What movie(s) would you have included that I didn't list?  What did I list that you think totally sucked?  What do you agree with 100%?  Email me your opinions and favorite movies (whether they're on this list, or not) at  and help me build The Juicy Cerebellum READER Top 50!

ęcopyright 1999 alex sandell [all rights reserved].  use this without my permission and i'll steal your vcr and dvd player (you can keep your divx.  i don't want the damn thing.)

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